(Closed) Do you think it is rude?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What do you think

    Rude

    Not at all

    Other, please explain

  • Post # 47
    Member
    2153 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Yes it is rude to request no gifts.

    The explanation is multi layered.

    1. It implies that gifts were otherwise required, but through the grace of your selflessness you have let your guests off the hook.

    2. It shuts down people who have possibly made, or selected something especially special just for you and your partner.  Who may want to give it to you for themselves.  You are telling them there gifts aren’t welcome

    3. It puts people in an awkward position.  Some people will choose to follow the hosts’ wishes, and others won’t.  Which then causes those that followed the wishes to feel guilty when they see other people turn up with gifts.

    Post # 48
    Member
    91 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Pre-Wedding Bee I would never have thought this was rude. I still don’t think it’s rude but now I know etiquette dictates that you shouldn’t mention gifts on the invitiation at all. If etiquette is important to you, I would leave it out. 

    We also don’t want gifts (destination wedding so I would feel really really awful if people paid for a trip AND a gift! I feel bad enough about the trip). We’re not mentioning gifts in writing anywhere and we’re not registering. We are spreading the ‘no gifts’ message verbally which I think comes across as more sincere – but I guess it’s easier when you only have 50 guests. 

    Post # 49
    Member
    56 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I think it was rude to tell them not to bring any gifts, i think if they want to bring a gift then left them especially if went out of their way to buy you guys a gift and you tell them not to bring a gift.

    Post # 50
    Member
    3292 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @abbie017:  Exactly. Saying you don’t want gifts implies that you expect gifts. 

    We initially didn’t want gifts for our wedding. We debated whether/how to convey this, whether we could ask people to donate to charity instead, and various other options. After discussing it with some close friends and relatives, I realized that people WANT to give you a gift. It’s a huge moment in your life. It makes people feel good to do something for you, and to be generous. It’s people’s way of participating in the wedding. 

    If I were you, I wouldn’t say anything about gifts on the invitation, and I just wouldn’t register anywhere. If people ask what you want, THEN politely decline.

    And be forewarned that there will always be people who buy you a velvet painting/weird sculpture/whatever random thing you didn’t ask for anyway, because…that’s just what they do. . 🙂

    Post # 51
    Member
    676 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    Word of Mouth is a terrible way to spread ANYTHING around. Hasn’t anyone ever played telephone? So many suggestions on this site are “spread it through word of mouth.” Word of Mouth is a great show on NPR, but it is not a legitimate means to spread a message.

    I don’t think it’s rude. I think some people have just been told it was rude, and they are happy to inform anyone else that it is rude. But true rudeness comes from offending people, and I can’t see how that would offend anyone.

    Post # 52
    Member
    676 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @stillme:  Oh man, I have my fingers crossed for that velvet painting!

    Is it weird that I had a giant velvet painting of a pegasus in my room growing up? Like, until I was 17 or so. I mean, giant. It was like 4×5 feet.

    Post # 53
    Member
    1935 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I don’t think it’s rude but I wouldn’t put it on the invite.  I’m in the “don’t mention gifts on invites to a wedding” camp.  

    It’s not that people don’t expect gifts from some guests, but for me, I don’t expect gifts from every guest.  And mentioning gifts on an individual invitation insinuates that you are expecting a gift from that individual.

     Also, I feel like it correlates the gift with the invitation, which in my mind are two very different gestures. 

    Post # 54
    Member
    3292 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @Tangled:  HA! That’s awesome! 

    I joke about velvet paintings, and yet I have a framed painting of a unicorn hanging up in my apt. lol. But at least I picked it out! 🙂

    Post # 55
    Member
    2637 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I voted other… I think it’s rude to say it on the invitation, but word of mouth or even on your website is much better. I went to a wedding recently, where the couple is quite well-off and has been living together for awhile, and I *really* appreciated that on their website they suggested that if we wanted to, we could donate to their favorite charity. Then, they listed a traditional registry and said something like if anyone felt they must, that they could buy things from that. (In nicer wording.) I thought it was nice of them to acknowledge that they really didn’t need any material items, but to give options for gift-givers, and those that somehow wanted to honor them by donating.

    Post # 56
    Member
    302 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    So I just read this entire board and I must say, this issue leaves me so perplexed. I really don’t understand that for a birthday/anniversary/etc. party it’s perfectly fine to say “No Gifts, Please: Your Prescense is Presents Enough!” but not at a wedding? WHY? Tradition? “Etiquette”? Because some people (that we don’t even know who they are) will get offended? I guess for me it’s a “know your people” thing rather than a hard and fast rule. If people tend to put registry information in the envelope with the invitation, why wouldn’t you? And if they do that, then they likely wouldn’t be offended by the “no gifts, please” either: though some definitely will still bring gifts. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    2153 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @RapunzelRapunzel:  It isn’t polite to say so on any type of invitation.  So I’m not sure I follow your point.

    Post # 58
    Member
    972 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I have seen wording like no gifts please, instead make a donation too…that way the money that they want to spend on a gift goes to a good cause and they feel like they gave if they wanted to give.

    Post # 59
    Member
    492 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I may be echoing what others have said on here, but technically when you say “no gifts” it’s implying “I know you were going to bring one, but please don’t now”.  There is no real way to beat around this bush.  Your best bet is to spread this by word of mouth.    

    (to a birthday though, I have to say the last time I gave a friend a birthday presen, t I was nine, maybe ten.  Cards are all I ever get from them and I all ever give out)

     

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