Do you think men are getting caught up on the “perfect proposal”?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

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peekaboobs :  My SO left me waiting, but the delay had nothing to do with the actual proposal. He just put it off because he kept prioritizing everything else, and he waited until the last minute to buy the ring. Towards the end of the timeline he had given me, I told him that the proposal itself wasn’t important to me, and that I didn’t want to wait any longer after he got the ring.

I think it’s rare that a delayed proposal is due to a genuine need for extra time or effort in planning. My SO proposed in the state park where we like to walk. He had said in April that he wanted to propose when it was warmer, but we’ve walked in that park year-round, so he could have done it anytime. He just didn’t have the ring.

I do think there is some pressure to have a good proposal story though.  I don’t know if my SO felt it prior to the proposal, but he did seem awkward about it after once we started announcing to people. Neither my SO nor I use social media, but upon being told of our engagment in person, nearly everyone asked how he proposed. Sometimes I would tell it, and sometimes he would, but I did notice how we both felt compelled to end it by saying, “It was very us.” As if we needed to confirm that or else people would assume it was disappointing. 

Post # 32
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I don’t think a proposal should be delayed for months and months for the perfect time or place, but I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with putting thought and effort into that moment. My ring arrived on a Wednesday and my husband proposed on the following Wednesday during our trip to London. He found a place on the London bridge and asked a guy to take our picture and then proposed.  It was not elaborate by any means, but there was a bit of planning involved. I far preferred what he did to him proposing after dinner at home. I have great memories of our London trip.

I have seen plenty of backlash to the “instagram proposal,” in which people who didn’t get engaged at home/in their pajamas/hair wet, etc. are accused of “only wanting the spectacle and not the marriage,” which doesn’t seem warranted in most cases.

Post # 33
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

For the most part, in my circle of friends, the guys did not have the pressure of planning the “perfect” proposal.

I only have one guy friend that did but it was pressure he put on himself, not any that his now wife put on him.  She was definitely waiting a lot longer than I would have been comfortable, and he planned an elaborate proposal on Valentine’s Day, complete with rose petals on the hotel bed, champagne and chocolate covered strawberries.  She told us in confidence while she appreciated the effort, she wished he had done something more casual and private since the lack of proposal was starting to really bother her.  So I think for some guys, they want to look like the big hero and have everyone gushing as to what a great guy he is.

 

Post # 34
Member
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I know literally zero people in real life who had IG/Pinterest proposals. Most were done at holidays or anniversary’s. 

Post # 35
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

I don’t think you can make a blanket generalisation, but I certainly think some people feel like it has to be *perfect*. My boyfriend for example! We’ve been together 8 years, we’ve just bought our first home, just adopted our first dog and we’ve got the ring. He knows I don’t care for a fancy proposal (I don’t even feel like I need one at all to be honest) but he wants to make it *something*. I used to think that people who said this were using delaying tactics, but I would not make that judgemental generalisation now that I’m in that position myself. I’ve taken the lead in most of our big life things (such as the house, the dog, organising our trips and holidays) and he wants to do something special back for me in the form of a well thought out proposal. Whenever I try to tell him it’s not necessary he gets upset because it’s important to him and he wants that *moment*. Luckiky I’m not in a rush 😂 But yes, clearly in his case he has seen friends and tv and film portraying intricate, large gestures when it comes to proposals and he’s got that idea in his head. 

Post # 36
Member
2761 posts
Sugar bee

I imagine a big proposal is important to some men, just as it is important to some women. But I don’t think it’s important to a majority of men or women. 

My own proposal was very low-key, and I didn’t really care about anything other than him asking the question. My husband got down on one knee to propose, said a few sweet things, and asked me to marry him. It was simple and traditional, in a private scenic location while we were traveling. Neither of us would have wanted a more public setting or an audience of family. There wasn’t a photographer and I didn’t have my nails done. Honestly I would have hated having a stranger there to photograph our private moment. I thought it was perfect the way it was. 

ETA: I can see how if you’ve been together for years and years there would be more pressure for it to be spectacular. We got engaged relatively quickly, so there certainly wasn’t any resentment or even expectation of a proposal yet on my part. I think that allowed for it to feel more spontaneous (even though my husband carried around the ring for a week on our trip!). We had talked about marriage and were on the same page, but he managed to catch me totally off guard. In a different kind of dynamic, I can see how after years of not proposing, it would feel like there had to be a big gesture to justify the wait. 

Post # 37
Member
2501 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: County courthouse

I do and it’s because of some women’s extremely high expectations

Post # 38
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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peekaboobs :  I had the same thing happen to me. My husband proposed to me in our bedroom. We were butt naked. Not the way I expected but it was very intimate. Years later, the story isn’t really important. I remember feeling upset that he didn’t make a big show of it. We have real love and now that I understand him, I know that a big production would have made him uncomfortable. He loves me alot and he shows it in more important ways. Like at our wedding reception, he wrote a second set of vows and read it aloud to me. It was like a manifesto of dedication to me. That was huge and more meaningful than the fairytale proposal. It’s all going to be ok but you have to get really strong about not worrying about the opinion of others. It’s tough but an important step in what it truly means to be married. 

Post # 39
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee

This is not something that happens in my social circles. But I’m sure it is true to an extend. But I’m not so sure it’s necessarily about the woman. I think the guys want the Instagram moment and the credit of being “amazing boyfriend” as much much as girls wanting the Instagram moment.

Then there are a lot of bees here being disappointed for the proposal when their partner have told that it’s so amazing that it takes 2 years to plan. In the end its a proposal at the park during a walk. And then the woman gets blamed for being disappointed and only wanting engagement for Instagram. So yeah, it can also be a tactic. 

Post # 40
Member
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

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butternutter :  I think the other person’s point about how proposals are typically no longer complete surprises (you usually live together/have already had the discussion…which is how it should be, and I’m sure part of the reason why the divorce rate is lower among millenials than other generations) is a good one. Since the proposal itself is no longer surprising, the “how” keeps the surprise element. It keeps the tradition fun, and it certainly isn’t hurting anyone. 

Post # 41
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

I definitely think so especially in the countries like Canada and US. All the men I’ve spoken to including my SO want it to be perfect, special and memorable. Some people spend a lot of time and money planning it. I made it harder for my SO saying I want to be proposed in some exotic place. I also made it very restrictive but it was long time ago that I mentioned it so I am hopeing that he forgot about it…as 3 years later, I don’t really care anymore but still want it to be special

Post # 42
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I don’t think men think the same way about proposals. They think I get a ring, I ask her to marry me, that should be enough. These are the ones who sincerely want to marry their girlfriends. They wind up scared and nervous, worrying about the stuff they hear about bad proposals. 

Post # 43
Member
1346 posts
Bumble bee

In my experience, no.  All of the men I have  known to have proposed did so in very simple ways, private ways.  Only on the bee or some vral video do I see elaborate proposals.  

Post # 44
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee

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peekaboobs :  must just be the practical people I know. I’ve never heard of any of them expecting nor planning anything extravagant for propsal. 

Post # 45
Member
1970 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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peekaboobs :  men who WANT to get married can plan the perfect proposal in any amount of time that they feel they can do what they need to do. Men who drag their feet or don’t want to get married are a whole separate issue opposed to those that do. I have tons of friends who have had seemingly “perfect instagram proposals” but it has nothing to do with that and more to do with the fact their guy wanted to marry them just like mine. My husband saved for a ring and planned the proposal with my two best friends and had the location, a photographer, and speech all set up and he has no Instagram or any social media and I didn’t shove it down his throat.  He came up with it himself when he had the ring and knew he was ready. Unfortunately the date got messed up because of work and he ended up proposing in our living room sooner than the original time because he didn’twant to wait any longer. It was one of the best days ever and I didn’t care about missing out on what he actually planned. It’s hard ti stomach the entitlement of bees on here who want do-overs and complain about literally everything under the sun. 

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