Do you think men are getting caught up on the “perfect proposal”?

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I don’t know anyone in real life who has done a “Pinterest proposal” so I’d have to go with no. 

Post # 47
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t know what’s happening…all the men around me spend at least 2K for a perfect proposal…and planned it out for months….lol (Canada)

Post # 48
Member
1117 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

No.  I think the men who say they want to “make it perfect” are providing an excuse that sounds better than “I don’t want to marry you right now, but I value you immensely”.   

Why do I believe this?  When those guys finally propose, it’s usually a standard issue proposal in a pretty place. 

Where are the parrots who learned to sing Ed Sheeran songs?  Where is the aisle strewn with Tahitian pearls?  Where are the fireworks spelling her name accompanied by tap-dancing lemurs?  The proposals are usually something that can be slapped together in a couple of hours, not a proposal that truly requires 3 years of planning. 

Post # 49
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

coffeecakez :  pffffff….I know plenty of happy couples who had amazing proposals  (some women I know – they never even were in a waiting stageand never doubted anything) They valued the fact that their SO took time to plan a nice evening/event for them. Everyone is different, no point in being snarky. Some girls want lavish weddings, others prefer creative and memorable proposals. My man knows I don’t care about the wedding but want a special proposal. Maybe some people are bitter they didn’t get it

Post # 50
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee

peekaboobs :  absolutely not. Just another convenient excuse to not propose in a timely manner. They hang on to this with a death grip and we are stupid for believing this is the reason why they aren’t proposing yet. 

Post # 51
Member
1117 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

vanessa9090 :   OPs post specifically asks about women who are left waiting for longer than they’d like because of the guy’s desire to make it “perfect”.  

Of course I know plenty of people who had AMAZING proposals (including the fireworks, scavenger hunts, super-well-planned-secret vacations, helicopter rides- the works).  Those guys never said “I want to make things perfect for you” and made their partners wait X years to make it happen. 

 

Post # 52
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

coffeecakez :  Ok. I see your point. But this is how I see it and I was responding to the title of the post. If a girl specified that she wants a special proposal (like me) then she has to be prepared to wait longer and yes guys definitely get caught up in this and feel pressure (not ALL of them but some for sure. I know plenty of stories). My SO told me that his collegues and friends discuss it a lot and some have been planning proposals for months brainstorming ideas and choosing a perfect place. So can a “special well-planned proposal” delay everything? Yes, 100%. However if a guy is just saying – oh…I am just planning something extra special for you and has been saying it for years, then yes, it’s stupid. Girls just need to use their common sense/logic. 

Post # 53
Member
45 posts
Newbee

I’m actually concerned that this phenomenon might be contributing to the delay I’m struggling through right now.  Boyfriend has the ring. We bought it together weeks ago.  He asked me how I’d like him to propose, and now I’m concerned that the vagueness/open ended-ness of my answer might feel overwhelming given the pressure to produce the “perfect proposal.” All I said was “no Jumbotron, but also not when we’re just sitting around on the couch one night. I’d like for you to plan something special and romantic but not too over the top… involve family or friends or not, your call…” Whoops.  

Just prior to ring shopping, we’d discussed our desire to get married in fall of 2019 or winter of 2020. Even back in October he acknowledged that putting together the type of wedding we want in less than a year is more stress than we care to take on. I’ve given up in fall 2019; the more desirable places here in New England book up very quickly for fall weddings and he made it clear that venue is important to him. Now Jan/Feb/Mar 2020 might even be a stretch, and neither of us want to do spring or summer. This additional delay might jeopardize our wedding timeline, and, by extension, our TTC timeline… and I turn 36 in less than a month. If this were 10 years ago, I’d be ok having a longer engagement, but we don’t have time to wait an additional year. Although we otherwise talk about everything (one of the reasons our relationship is so great!) I recognize that the proposal is “his thing,” and I’m cautious about bringing it up or trying to prod him into action. Thinking I’ll wait until after my birthday in early January, and only ask for clarification on his plans if it doesn’t happen by then. 

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  WasabiWithYou. Reason: More info
Post # 54
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

WasabiWithYou :  If you guys have a ring, there is nothing to worry about. If he changes his mind after buying it (and you know that this is unlikely to happen) then would you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? xx

Post # 55
Member
45 posts
Newbee

vanessa9090 :  oh, certainly not… nobody should suffer to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with them, no should someone string anyone along that they don’t want to be with. Rationally, I know that I likely have nothing to worry about. He’s very likely going to propose soon. It would surprise me if we got through the next 20 days without it happening.

But that nagging little voice in the back of my head, because he’s had the ring for weeks, and several good opportunities to ask… it’s scary.  I mean, if he were to change his mind after getting this far, I’d be crushed beyond devastation. And I’d be age 36 with zero prospects. I’m not saying my anxiety is entirely rational (though wanting to get married sooner rather than later so that we can start our family is pretty firmly rooted in logic and real biological consideration), but it’s still very real. I want to get going on this thing. 

I don’t mean to devalue the legitimate impatience of the younger waiting bees here (those under, say, age 30, which I suspect are the majority), but I’m bumping up against the age when getting pregnant may be more difficult and may carry greater risks to both my health and the baby’s. And if I’m being totally honest, I don’t want to be an “older” mom. I want to have the youthful energy to enjoy my kids’ childhood, I want to be alive to see them grow and succeed and have families of their own. I’ve alteady come to terms with the fact that I may not get to see my grandchildren become full adults. Do the math. 

So in the waaay off chance that he changes his mind, or even if he decides he needs another few years to be sure, everything I just described is a future I will be left to mourn. 

Sorry this is so dark. I feel for the bees who have been waiting for much longer than me. There does come an age when there’s even more at stake when waiting things out, and I’m finding myself standing on that very edge today. 

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