Post # 1
Member
2083 posts
Buzzing bee
If there has ever been a major fight between my new hubby and I it is sure to have involved his mom… Over the past 7 years that we have dated she has been overbearing and just plain annoying. There have been plenty of great things about her, but then little situations would occur when she just would act like a major brat if she didn’t get her way about something or when she would just seem TOO involved. Now I know that moms and their sons have a special connection or what have you, but I think we all know the type I’m talking about here…
So I am hoping and praying that after the wedding she will (no idea how to put this more lightly) back off. I’m really nervous about it mainly because Darling Husband and I just bought a house within a couple miles of them. My family jokes around about it and says it is going to be like Everyone Loves Raymond (as soon as we bought the house just a few weeks ago that’s how it has been, his parents have been there nearly every day). The wedding was just Friday, but there wasn’t a clear sign of improvement when the next morning she made us go to their house for a “quick brunch” which ended up being about 12 people in attendance from only his side of the family (didn’t seem to matter that mine weren’t present) and where we were pressured into opening our wedding gifts in front of everyone (I personally did not want any part of this – she even wanted us to open our cards with checks in front of everyone and I found that very disrespectful because I don’t think it is anyone’s business besides mine and DH’s). Luckily my foot went sternly down about not opening cards, but I had to compromise and do the gifts.
Anyway so that was not a good sign that things are going in the right direction… We were beginning driving from Michigan to Florida that day, but we still couldn’t manage to get away until noon and of course on our way out there had to be numerous hugs and photos. Part of me was upset that we had to go be around her the next morning when I couldn’t wait to get a break and the other part of me was just upset that my family wasn’t even included in what she clearly planned as a “celebration”. I’m terrified that when we have kids she is going to be super overbearing and will try to make everything about their side of the family. My side knows that she is nuts about things like that and they get a kick out of it mostly, but I’m sure sometimes when she demands we spend more time with them that it hurts their feelings occassionally..
So bees, did your Mother-In-Law situations improve post wedding? I’m praying she’ll view us as more of a separate unit when we get home from the honeymoon, but 7 years of experience with it is bringing down my hopes…
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
7 years and she’s STILL not getting better? sorry babe, old habits die hard.
For us, what really made the switch was that Dh moved away for 4 years. Cord cutting ensued. But, Darling Husband doesn’t think seeing his family “once or twice a week” isn’t too much to ask. Finally i asked him to put the shoe on the other foot. We talked about it, and it’s different when it’s YOUR family versus your in laws.
1) put down boundaries about when they can come over. Just b/c they live super close (which i have to admit, probably wasn’t the best choice, so nip it in the bud RIGHT NOW) doesn’t mean they are entitled to come over ALL THE TIME. Not cool. We live 30 minutes away from DH’s family b/c they like to go on walks together and hang out ALL the time.
2) Sometimes family celebrations are one sided. I understand why you are upset, but at the same time, I think you could possibly be reading into this too much (maybe not, you know her, i don’t)
3) YOu need to talk to your husband about family boundaries. my husband’s family does EVERYTHING together. Mother’s Day bbqs, Memorial Day get togethers, if there’s a holiday, we MUST go over. My rule is that it’s not freakin’ all day b/c i’ts my holiday, too, and I really don’t want to just sit around at a bbq all day long with his extended family (who we see plenty).If your family is close and you are concerned about holidays being one-sided, you need to take the initiative (your husband, too) to invite your family along to FAMILY celebrations. Or, host a few yourself.
You and your husband need to establish what’s OK with his family and what’s not. If he doesn’t see an issue with any of it, you’ll really have to try to get him to at least see and respect your point of view. For our family events, when I’m tired, I have every right to tell my husband I’m done and I want to go home now. We usually leave soon after. He doesn’t always realize when too much is too much because it’s his family, and i can only handle so much hullaballoo and I’d imagine you’re the same.
Post # 4
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
I don’t think it will get better unless BOTH your husband and you set firm boundaries. If your husband doesn’t see a problem with things she’s doing or doesn’t want to stand up to his mom, then you’re probably not going to change anything.
Post # 5
Member
2083 posts
Buzzing bee
lol yes I am pretty much like you. I do spend WAY more time with his family than mine, but that is because they have something for EVERYTHING. Plus, mine live an hour away. I totally know it wasn’t the best idea to move so close, but Darling Husband is starting medical school in June so we had to move to the area. I pushed for an area that was half an hour away, but he wasn’t into the idea of commuting every day.
I think the only reason why this time I minded that my family wasn’t involved was because it had to do with the wedding, you know? My parents were both within fifteen minutes of their house (they got a hotel room the night after the wedding), so they could have easily came but even though she knew that she didn’t even offer it to them to be a part of.
Darling Husband really needs to work on it though. For a long time I thought I may be overreacting about the situation, but once we had to start doing our church counseling prior to the wedding and those issues started coming up they made it clear that I was not crazy and that it really was wrong. They also laid it into Darling Husband that he needed to put his foot down and deal with it which he has kind of started to attempt, but he isn’t very good at it.. I told him if he doesn’t then one day I WILL snap at her.
Post # 6
Member
2083 posts
Buzzing bee
50/50? lol not promising…
