(Closed) Do you think that couples should talk about engagement?

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree w/ Corgie.

While I don’t ever want to judge others’ relationships, I personally can’t quite identify with the whole, discussing all the details of the engagement together thing. Picking out the ring together, telling the girl when to expect it by, etc. I totally know this works for some people, but for me, it would just kinda kill the romance of it.

But establishing that you want to marry each other and having open communication about that? Definitely!! My guy and I talk about our future often. Not in so much depth, but just in little ways, like, “I wonder if our kids are gonna have your weird little toes?” etc. We already talked about getting married a while ago and we’ve both known we were on the same page since very early on. So the only time I really brought up engagement was in relation to wedding planning, by explaining how long it takes to plan a wedding, so that he would know roughly when would be a good time to propose based on when we want our wedding to be. We talk wedding and marriage stuff, but not engagement. I like it that way.

Post # 33
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Yeah I don’t get not talking about something that affects the rest of both of the couple’s lives.

I don’t think that  I’ll be able to watch the youtube videos though. Too cringe worthy.

Post # 34
Member
20 posts
Newbee

View original reply
@JennyW1:  HAHA!   Your “I’m snarky like that” post made me nearly keel over laughing!  TOOO funny.

Post # 35
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

My honey and I definitely talked about getting engaged.  He surprised me with the ring and the day, but I knew it was coming because of the talks we had.  It was nice to know we’re on the same page.

Post # 36
Member
36 posts
Newbee

^_^;; So, I’m totally different than almost everyone here… we were one of those couples that never talked about getting engaged or marriage.

We had been together for almost 4 years, and in that time we didn’t talk about it at all. Not to say I didn’t want to be engaged or get married to Mr Crol, but I was just totally afraid to be “That girl”. In my mind I didn’t want to come across as the type of girl that talked about it all the time. The type that bothered them about: Why haven’t we done this yet? When are we doing this? What’s wrong with me? Don’t you love me? Where are we headed? On and on…
Now that I look back on it, it was silly of me to be so fearful of bringing it up. We had talked about our future, but in a different way. And besides, some of those questions are totally valid.

Mr Crol surprised me out of the blue when he proposed at the almost 4 year mark, but it wasn’t a bad thing even though we never talked about it. He knew I wanted the next step, so I don’t think he was worried or nervous.
I said yes of course ^_~

Now back to the original point, I completely think it should be on the table as something to openly discuss. I think that is the main reason you see some of those failed proposals online. Even though Mr Crol and I didn’t talk about it ourselves, we were on the same page. I just didn’t know it lol

Post # 37
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

For me, talking about our plans and intentions beforehand was right.  We had a few (not all that often) really in depth discussions on timing, hopes, plans, pre-nup, etc.  It really got us both on the same page so that when we were ready to move to a formal engagement all the “big things” were hashed out and all that was left was the tell people and be happy!  It took a lot of the weight off IMO.  

Since things didn’t have to be discussed or planned all at once (timelines, legal paperwork, preferences, etc) I feel like our engagement has really just been a huge joy.  We’re thrilled, people are thrilled for us – and all of the grunt work of planning a wedding and life was nearly completed beforehand.

Similarly, I wanted to be involved in choosing my rings.  I didn’t want a surprise ring that was who knows what style.  I’m not a huge jewelry person anyway and I just know that SO many rings are not my style at all.  So, I made that part clear early on as well. 

Post # 38
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

DEFINITELY. Something as big and life-changing as getting married is something both people should be on the same page with before someone proposes.

Post # 39
Member
383 posts
Helper bee

I’m in the minority – while I don’t think it should be an avoided topic, I don’t want to know when, what type of ring, how, where – I want a total surprise!  I want to be blown away and 100% surprised. 

Sorry – I’m the weirdo here.  🙂

 

 

Post # 40
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

This is SO old, but I had to add my input!

I strongly believe couples should discuss marriage before getting engaged. It’s a huge step in a relationship that shouldn’t be decided in seconds. Couples should take the time to think it over long before the proposal. If a man proposes before he’s ready or a woman says “yes” without thinking about it, they’ll be more likely to second-guess their decision than if they’d talked and thought about it beforehand. I’m all for spontanity, but not for major decisions like marriage! In my opinion, it’s better to seriously discuss it before the proposal, not after. When you get engaged, you should be 100% positive that you want to marry this person, and I feel like many couples who spontaneously get engaged aren’t so sure of their decision because they didn’t have time to think it over before saying “yes”. Just my opinion!

Post # 41
Member
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I know a girl who rejected a guy. She didn’t only reject his proposal, but she broke up with him too! She freaked and said she wasn’t ready for marriage. Then, she got engaged to someone shortly after haha. Go figure

Post # 42
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My Fiance is old fashioned in some ways and was really leery about discussing the specifics of getting engaged. I respected his wishes as best I could (I come from a culture where couples just don’t do surprise proposals and everything is discussed to the nth degree between the families – honestly it’s like Middle Eastern peace negotiations). He knew I wanted to get married even though I avoided bringing up words like “proposal” and “ring.” BUT we still discussed our future in the abstract. When he proposed he must have been 99% sure that I was going to say yes. (Honestly I would have thought he’d been 110% sure but he says he was still nervous when it came right down to it.)

Post # 43
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah, i think couples DEFINITELY need to talk about it first!

Post # 44
Member
1133 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

For sure!  I think it’s so important to discuss openly everything you expect and want from a relationship.  Our relationship has had its ups and downs, but I think it’s lasted 4 years because we are not afraid to tell one another what we want or expect out of this.  If I hadn’t of told him last summer that I wanted to wait a year before we got engaged (due to the fact that we have a year left of schooling, and I felt it was pointless as I didn’t want to get married while I was still in school), he would have proposed last year and I would have said no. 

Definitely communication issues I think are a huge reason why there are failed proposals.

Post # 45
Member
4655 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Absolutely. I wouldn’t feel comfortable accepting a proposal that was a TOTAL surprise… it would mean I wasn’t solid enough in the relationship yet. You should already know what you want out of marriage, what the other person wants, what you both expect… you should have already discussed everything before you make a decision. Otherwise it’s kind of like… buying THE ONLY PAIR OF JEANS YOU WILL EVER WEAR AGAIN… only by looking at them, without trying them on!

Post # 46
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee

My SO has not only brought up the topic often enough to know exactly my feelings on it (and if he hadn’t figured them out, the few times I’VE brought it up in the last six months would certainly clarify the issue!), but he actually knows exactly what I’m going to say, and has for…oh…almost a year and a half?  You see, one day we were sitting at our computers and he asked me, out of the blue, “This isn’t a proposal,  but if I asked you to marry me, what would you say?”  I of course answered that I would say “Yes,” because I believe in being honest with my SO, but now I kind of wish I hadn’t been so forthcoming (not that I wish I had lied, but maybe a “You have to ask that question for real to get my answer,” or something).  

You see, it feels unfair to me that he essentially knows exactly what my level of commitment to him is, but I have to continue to wonder about his level of commitment to me (since a proposal has, obviously,  not been forthcoming).  In addition,  one of the reasons he gave for not having proposed yet, the last time we discussed it, was the fact that “he considers us already married,  so why go through [it].”  I feel like he’s so secure in our relationship that he feels no need to move it to the next level anytime soon; that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to move it to the next level someday,  but he’s mentioned “still dating in 5 years” in recent conversations with his relatives,  and I don’t know if that was an actual timeline he has in the back of his head or if it was just a random number he threw out (it wasn’t really a friendly conversation).

 I hope it wasn’t a serious number!  We’ve agreed that (if we do have them) we don’t want to have children until we’re married,  and we both turn 28 this year.  5+ years would put us at 33+ when TTC, and that’s assuming we jumped right into trying to have kids after marriage (which I personally would prefer not to do).  And I have severe PCOS and may very well have difficulty TTC, which he knows!

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