(Closed) Do you think the first year of marriage is the hardest?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Member
4605 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m not married yet, but everyone that knows I’m getting married has told me that the first year is the hardest. Even my mom, and she pretty much lived with my dad before they got married. A lot of people say that finances is the focus of all the problems because some people don’t have joint accounts until they are married. I see how that could cause issues, especially if you don’t know how good your spouse is with money or their spending habits. FH and I have a joint account, but there’s really not much money in it. I do know that FH has already got a taste of what our cost of living will be. He’s used to getting by on very little. He lived in a cheap apartment when he went to college, then a small mobile home after the fact, he’s got a pre paid cell phone, his insurance on his truck is liability only, he’s used to buying groceries for one person and not having credit cards or student debt. He’s gone from that to making a house payment, buying groceries for two people (and I like to cook), plus four animals, having more bills to pay (I have cable and a house phone, he’s never had either since he’s been on his own). My student loans are mine though, and I will be paying those myself with my own money. 

Other than that, I don’t see how it will be much different. We already live together and will have lived together for two years when we get married. I’m sure that it’s different for every couple though, especially for those who didn’t live together before marriage. 

Post # 33
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

We’d been together for around two years when we got married and hadn’t lived together before, but, even though we haven’t been married a whole year yet, so far things have been great, and very easy. We like to joke that the first (however long we’ve been married) are the hardest ;). One of my professors said that he thought the first year might be the hardest, because things kept getting easier, not because it was necessarily hard. When I shared that with my husband he asked how things could possibly get easier 🙂

Post # 34
Member
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

As and Encore Bride (1st Marriage = Circa 1980) I’d vote a resounding NO !!

(And statistics would prove that out as well… not a lot of Divorces in Year 1)

The first year may have some challenges (be that marriage or living together common law), but you are usually so blissfully in LOVE that they don’t add up to a whole lot

Stressers in the years to come, can have waaay more impact on the marriage IMO…

Bills / Debt – Mortage / Home Ownership – Babies – Children – Childcare – Kid’s School – Kid’s Activities – Household Chores – Career (Changes, Advancement, Loss) – Inlaws – Health Issues – Saving for Retirement – Elderly or Sick Parents – Teens – Kids in College / University – Downsizing etc

There are lots of things to “survive” in a Marriage, if the Big Bad A’s don’t get you first…

Adultry – Addictions – Abuse – Amoral Behavior – or Apathy

I think the best indicator is how many C’s you can maintain…

Commitment – Connection – Communication – Consideration – Cuddling etc

 

Post # 35
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

We only lived together 2 1/2 months before marriage, and only because we relocated for my husband’s job.  Had we stayed in our original city, we wouldn’t have lived together first.

Having said that, our first year together has been pretty wonderful–and that’s in spite of many potential stressors: moving far away from friends/family, looking for and starting new jobs, moving twice in a matter of months, getting pregnant, dealing with horrible morning sickness (me), and now house hunting.

I’m guessing it has to do with the individual couple and how different they are in their day-to-day expectations (like, if one is very clean and the other is messy–or one wants to play video games constantly and the other one resents it, etc).

Post # 36
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We are 8 months into marriage. We didn’t live together before either. Living together has been pretty easy to get used to. I’m REALLY working on getting used to being a stepmom more than anything! Having the two munchkins and being thrown right into the daily duties of mom is a huge challenge. we also got a dog 2 months into marriage… What were we thinking?!?!? 

Overall, I love all 4 of the boys in my life (DH, 2 boys and a dog) and trying my best. I just need to work on my confidence that I’m doing the best I can.

Post # 37
Member
4462 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I definitely think that the first year of marriage is hardest. At least for my husband and I it was. We moved in together, and with that came a superficial set of challenges, as well as deeper ones, like communication and issues of that nature. We just finished one year together and as the year came to a close I saw a marked difference in our ability to communicate with each other in not only a healthy way, but in a way that works for the other person’s needs and communication style, as well. I am looking forward to what the rest of our marriage will be now that we’ve gotten past the one year mark (which I do see as a milestone for us).

Post # 38
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@BelliniChic:  This times 1000!!! I agree completely. The first year of marriage was absolute bliss for us, as was our first year of living together (several years before marriage).  Our whole relationship has been like that…  But we didn’t meet online so I can’t thank eharmony – I feel like you should be in one of those commercials 🙂

 

Post # 39
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I actually thought the second year of marriage was the hardest. Our situation is a little different than most, however. We lived together for 5 months before we got married and 2 months after we tied the knot, he left for basic training in the Army. The first year we were married, he was gone for 8.5 months, so when we did get to see each other, it was always like a honeymoon. The second year was the first real year of living together as a married couple and adjusting to Army life. I’d say the adjusting to Army life was the most difficult. We had a great relationship before the Army brought so many extra stressors into our life and it was kind of difficult to get into a new normal. We finally found our routine and we are better and stronger than ever! Our “hard” year wasn’t even awful, either. Just stressful, bc we didn’t get to spend very much time together. He was always working late and when he wasn’t working, he was exhausted. It was just an adjustment. 

Post # 40
Hostess
3571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Our first year was pretty tough for a host of reasons. However, the main one being that we picked up and moved to Afghanistan for work! Seriously, talk about love being a battlefield or whatever, lol. But in all seriousiness, living here and going through some of the work-related things that we did, has be undoubtedly one of the most challenging times of my life. That said, I feel like DH and I are like superhero strong now. I constantly tell myself, “man, if we can do this, we can do anything!” 

But honestly, no, I don’t think the first year is the hardest one. I suspect that it gets a lot harder around 15-20 years. Thats when everyone I know got a divorce growing up. I think people tend to grow apart, stop communicating, and taking each other for granted. And it takes a lot of effort not to do those things and to bring a relationship back from the edge. At least, that’s what I’m preparing myself for.

ETA: DH and I have been married for 20 months; lived together an additional for 2 years before that (although we had a 6 mo LD when he moved to DC and I had to stay in Egypt for grad school).

Post # 41
Member
1651 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Not at all, we have been married for over a year and a half and it has been bliss. I don’t find anything about marriage hard, I love it!

Post # 42
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

No. I think that the time period right after having your first child is probably the most stressful for a marriage. It’s more of a balancing act.

Post # 43
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

well i only have 2 years to go on–but our first year was def. harder than our second year!

 first year was our first year living together–lots of BIG fights.

 my DH is *not* an easy person to live with, habits-wise.

he was the lastborn of 4, and a lot of things that I consider ‘basic’ (and that I never had a problem with, with other roomates), he just didn’t ‘get’ growing up. No one was on his back, i guess! which makes him a fun, easygoing person in general. but –NOT an easy person to split household duties with, esp when I was working a very stressful job.

so there was a steep learning curve of ‘training’. he really resented the idea for a few months that yes,every weekend we have to do *some* cleaning! (if you don’t do it on the weekdays, which I don’t–i’m really not that neat of a person either). But seriously, he would just be totally content to live in FILTH. absolute filth. as in, never ever do a single household chore ever. and I was shocked. and so I screamed a lot.

but he learned, somewhat 🙂 and i’ve gotten used to him. so now we have a very traditional marriage in that I really do most of the domestic duties, but he absolutely does all the yardwork, taking out trash, fixing anything that needs to be fixed, etc.

he also is better about his own personal hygiene (i won’t even mention some of the things I found out when I first moved in with him! it’s amazing what you can hide when not living together!!).

so yes- for us, the first year was definitely the hardest bc we had a lot of groundwork that needed to be laid.

 

Post # 44
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Definitely not.  Our first year of marriage was the best year of our entire relationship.  We also lived together for 2 years before we got married.  I definitely think the whole, ‘the first year is the hardest’ thing only applies to those whom haven’t lived together before.

Post # 45
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Ours was hard in some respects, but really awesome in others. Any problems we had were more related to growing pains than anything else – we built a house together (STRESSFUL!), we combined finances, which took some getting used to, we paid off a lot of debt, we saved and scrimped hardcore for our honeymoon, and DH unexpectedly had an unpaid month off work due to injury. I will say I prefer year two because it feels like we’ve hit our stride and its just easy, but I’m not sure whether our first year was harder because of circumstances or not.

Post # 46
Member
7305 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

That idiom has not been true for us.

 

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