(Closed) Do you think this is fair?

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Omg, 175 doesn’t even seem small to me!  But there are weddings with a ton more. 

Who is paying for the wedding?  If its a combination of you, your family and his, I think the guest list should be somewhat even.  Give or take a few.  But that’s just my opinion.  It hasn’t happened that way with our guest list either but we’re close enough to it for me to be comfortable.  I think you have every right to stand your ground about the number of guests you’d like.  175 is more than reasonable, and you have already expressed this so it shouldn’t be an issue to them now.  However, I think you should speak to your Fiance and have him be the one “standing ground”, because you don’t want to damage your relationship with the future in laws. 

Post # 4
Bee
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden

I don’t have tips because we had a similar situation and I’m not sure we had the best outcome – it was a really tough time for us, but I jsut wanted to let you know that you are not alone, this is a really difficult part of the process for many couples.  It is unfair of your future in laws to do this to you, but you either have to put your foot down and tell them how many guests they can have, or you’ll have to find a compromise.  Let them throw a party in their hometown for their friends for you guys after the wedding if they need to have all their friends there.  I hope it gets worked out!

Post # 5
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

If you want to be 100% in control of your wedding, then you either need to sit them down with an actual number or refuse to accept their money.  You wanted 175 originally?  Tell them they have to cap it at 90 people for their side, maybe less if you want to factor in your mutual friends.  Even though they gave you “not even half” once people plunk money on the table, they have a measure of control. If you’re not okay with this, give the money back and have a smaller wedding your way.  

Besides, “small weddings” were listed as one of the top wedding trends on the Knot. Most people not actively planning a wedding have no idea of the amount of money that goes into an event.  Our catering bill nearly gave me a stroke and we’re having 85 people.  I can’t even imagine 175 or 250.   

Post # 6
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You mostly just need to sit down and come to a compromise. Way easier said than done, I know. But if they are not paying for the majority of the wedding, they have no right to dictate that your guest list be higher than you are comfortable with.

Can you have your fiance talk some sense into his parents?

One option, if it comes to it, is to say that if they insist upon having that large a guest list, they need to pay for the extra guests. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s really not unreasonable.

Good luck. This is such a tough place for you to be in. We’re here for you!

Post # 7
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

This is a tough one! Are they contributing financially? I know that usually means they feel a little more entitled to control the guest list.

My Future Mother-In-Law did the “do whatever you want, but I’d really love to have so-and-so there…”. Lo and behold, it worked and our very small and intimate wedding is now at 100 guests. However once we made the decision to go bigger, we made the guest list together, and cut a lot of cousins that Fiance hasn’t seen in years and that I’ve never even met.

I think you should bring you Fiance into the discussion and have him help mediate with your in laws. But I would be firm on your guest list cap. It’s understandable for parents to want to share their child’s wedding with everyone, but there have to be limits. The other thing is that you could have your in laws do an A-list and a B-list for guests, so that if people RSVP no, you can invite others they’d like there.

I would stand your ground, make sure they know the per-person cost and what goes into adding extra guests, but be open to compromise with them if they are willing. Good luck. These stresses are the things you never really hear about weddings until you’re planning one!

Post # 8
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

Everyone goes through this in the beginning.  I think it’s the hardest part of the wedding.  

For me, it helped to ask for one big list with the “must invite” people (family members, very close friends) highlighted.  Anyone who wasn’t highlighted was then basically on the B list.  I think it was good for them to know that there was still a chance that the rest of their friends would make the list, and then as time went on they seemed more at ease with the fact that they probably wouldn’t.

Sometimes it also helps to show them how much the wedding costs per person, and how much all of these extra people will cost you.

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