(Closed) Do you think this is inappropriate or OK for a married man to do?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

The only female friends my husband has is someone he knew when he was in the Navy. And her wife. When he was stationed in Hawaii and I couldn’t live with him for nine months, they were his local support network. I’ve also become pretty close to them too.

Anyway, you should be posting about the texts your Fiance is hiding from you. It’s clearly irking you.

 

Post # 63
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@patchy:  Not saying onesie/twosie experiences don’t exist – but for every one that does I can show a million – literally; a million divorces stemming from the same ‘innocent’ behaviour.

Post # 64
Member
5191 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

That situation would not fly in my marriage. Mr. LK and I agree that, in addition to not doing improper things, we are also committed to avoiding the appearance of impropriety. We’ve also committed to not willingly placing ourselves in situations where we may develop a bond with another person that could jepordize the bonds of our marriage. Quite simply, the health of our marriage comes before any and all outsiders. Period.

I would say that Mike is jeopardizing the health of his marriage in many ways, and willingly and routinely spending 1 on 1 time with a female that shares his interests/point of view when he is already unhappy in his marriage is a recipe for improper things to occur (emotionally and/or physically).

Post # 65
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Mike’s marriage sounds like its basically over, so I wouldn’t concern myself with their business. 

I think you are trying to refocus the fact that Tammy is a potential homewrecker who may be moving in on your marriage now. By making Mike her suitor, you are taking your DH out of the equation. Him hiding his phone from you tells you all you need to know.

Post # 66
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@suburbian:  in my opinion, cheating is more often a side-effect of problems in the marriage, less often the actual problem.

Post # 67
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think its a problem but only because of his expressed unhappiness with his wife. It seems like he’s using it as an escape. His time in the car with tammy is his way to “connect” with a woman because he can’t “connect” with his wife.

I wouldn’t want my husband doing this EVERY week either. If she normally has another way home and say once a month my husband had to take her home i wouldn’t care. However if my husband and I were having marital problems already and he was doing this and volunteering EVERY week… i’d definitely be very suspicious and i’d probably think he was cheating as well. IF he’s not then out of respect for his wife and respect for his marriage he should atleast trade off with someone else taking her home as a way to prove to his wife that he’s committed to her and not this other girl.

Post # 68
Member
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

No, it isn’t inappropriate, and i’m trying to figure out why you care?

Post # 69
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@fzesguer:  I would think it was really lame of him to leave the game with Tammy while his wife goes home. Tammy should find another ride. If I was her, Mike was my friend, and I cared about him AS A FRIEND, nothing more, I would NOT want to make his wife hate me or suspect Mike of cheating. I believe that it is perfectly rational for the wife to be jealous/fearful of a close relationship developing between Mike/Tammy when her marriage is on rocky ground.

 

If Mike wants out of the marriage, so that he can be free to pursue other women, he should LEAVE. If he does not want out, he should be working on that relationship rather than doing things that could hurt it. Giving rides to other women in front on coworkers while your wife drags the kids home is going to raise eyebrows, especially if they know you are having issues w/your wife. Even if NOTHING HAPPENS EVER with Tammy, he has still made his wife feel less important than giving another woman a ride (because she can’t manage to find one herself? Does she not drive at all?)

 

Furthermore, it is also lame of Mike to bitch about his wife to his coworkers. i’m sure there are two sides to the story, and you are only hearing his when he complains about her.

Post # 70
Member
3380 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@fzesguer:  Sounds to me like Tammy needs to find some single men to text with. Like others have said, I’d keep an eye on my *own* situation regarding her. Why does she feel the need to fraternize with spoken-for men? I understand I’m only getting one side of this (yours), but based on what you’ve said, I’d have my guard up with her.

Post # 71
Member
3380 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MsBlackberry:  +100. Maybe his wife wouldnt be such a “jealous/emotional” bitch if he wasnt complaining about her to their friends and driving around/texting with Tammy.

Post # 72
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

@fzesguer:  Just because you are married does not mean you cannot have friends. the wife is insecure and should trust her husband. you cannot have love without trust. Her jealousy is a reflection of her and is not her husband’s fault.

Post # 73
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@futuremrsk18:  I am emotionally bonded to a few of my close male friends because guess what? I care about them. Does that mean I’m going to cheat on my husband? The idea is laughable.

Post # 74
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Weetzie:  +1 

 

I would be bother me too. My husband invites another woman, co-worker or not and I’m assuming his wife doesn’t know her on a personal level either, then my husband takes her home every time. When he should just be focus that his wife and kids are there to support him. 

 

It sucks when people get so personal and touchy when you just ask a simple question about a situation you may or may not agree with, just to see others point of views on the matter. Just hearing others opinions on the matter might change your thoughts and therefore, if it ever became a situation in your relationship, you’ll be more open minded after discussing it with the bees. I see all these post as a learning experience for my own relationship and in life. Reading other people’s opinions, problems, advice to others can and may help you in your own problems or way of thinking. It’s the same thing as reading any other bee’s post on here about their problems. Why do you care about their problems and commenting on it. OP had this discussion with her SO and wanted to hear others point of views. No problem with that. 

Post # 75
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I am just… So many thoughts right now.  Get ready for the tidal wave.

 

I am absolutely flabbergasted and downright APPALLED that there are people who have basically said they do not think it’s appropriate to be friends with members of the opposite sex.  Does that mean (if you’re a woman) you can’t be friends with lesbians?  How about bisexuals?  Or how about “fake siblings,” the ones that are so close to you, who have known you before you met your SO, but just happen to be the opposite sex?  You’re saying that’s not OK?  Because guess what, a friend is a friend is a friend, and just because you say he’s “like a brother” doesn’t make him one- he’s still a friend.

And furthermore, you think that you shouldn’t be ALONE with them?  I would think that you would have some self-respect here to know that you wouldn’t bow down to temptation at every corner.  “Oh, I’m alone with this guy getting coffee, better rip my cloths off and do him at the next possible opportunity!”

Guess what everyone?  I HAVE GUY FRIENDS.  And I hang out with them one-on-one sometimes to watch a movie or get dinner.  My Fiance has gal friends.  Most of his friends are girls!  They play video games or get lunch.  And guess what?  I DON’T CARE.  I trust my Fiance, and he trusts me.  We know that these relationships are just friendships.  We know nothing will happen.

I feel like it is extremely small minded to assume that just because people spend time together means that they must be forming some emotional affair.  It seems rather stupid to limit yourself to being friends with only half the people you could be friends with.  It’s just… asanine, there, I said it!

And I’m sorry if that offended someone, but implying that I’m cheating on my guy just because I have male friends is pretty damn offensive to me.

 

 

Now, back to the actual problem.

 

 

OP, there are lots of reasons your Fiance didn’t want you to read his phone.  It’s possible he was embarassed by a conversation, not becuase it was scandalous, but just because it was stupid.  Like how my friends and I will text about their personal problems, and I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to tell Fiance.  Or they’re embarassed by the conversation because it’s just plain idiotic and goofing around.

 

As for Tammy and Mike… Is she a big baseball fan?  I know people who literally go and watch any game they possibly can because they love it so much.  Or she’s being supportive of her coworkers as a whole.  I’ve been to friends’ IM games, because they’re fun to watch sometimes.  One of my FI’s close gal friends goes to his games a lot, because she finds the entire experience entertaining.  (And no, I’m not at those games, so she’s not going to hang out with me.)

It’s also possible she doesn’t have a car, or is very active in trying to carpool.  Maybe she’s very pro-green.  And maybe her house is on the way to Mike’s house (that issue hasn’t been discussed, I believe), so it makes sense for him to take her.  You said yourself you don’t know how she gets to the field from work.  Maybe work and her house are close by, so she doesn’t need a car, and the softball field is far away, so she needs a ride back.  Or she could walk, but it’s at night, and it’s a nice gesture to give a ride.  I don’t know the geography, but these seems pretty plausible in my opinion.  And it’s not like Mike would be driving his wife home anyways- she has to come in her own car.

Maybe she’s not into guys.  (Or maybe Mike isn’t really into girls, the potential root of his marriage problems.)

I don’t think the issue here is Tammy.  You said it yourself, she’s nice and she shares their sense of humor.  She doesn’t appear to be coming on to him from what I can see.

The issue is Mike’s failing marriage and complaints about his wife.  He might be using Tammy as a distraction, but not necessarily as a sexual distraction. He might just want to get away from his wife, and Tammy lets him do that.  I mean, Mike can’t hang out with your Fiance too much, or you’ll get mad he’s not spending time with you.

And yes, he could also be cheating.  That is a possibility.  But it’s pretty brazen to jump to that conclusion.

Post # 76
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@suburbian:  I am with you 100%. I think it’s totally inappropriate! As far as our relationship, FH and I do not spend time out to dinner with anyone of the opposite sex or go drinking with the opposite sex. FH and I have boundaries that we decided on regarding relationships with members of the opposite sex. Some may call it “small minded,” but I call it being respectful and wanting to maintain a healthy relationship. Whether or not people think appearances are “important” people WILL notice these things. Chances are OP is not the only one that has witnessed this behavior. I think Mike’s behavior plus his bad mouthing his wife to co-workers would likely result in them not respecting her. And in my opinion, once the co-workers/friends lose respect for a spouse is when the problems start.

It is frightening how high the divorce rate is right now and if people would just look at the statistics, most situations where infidelity is involved occurs in the work place. I just typed in “infidelity in the work place” on google and hundreds of articles popped up. It starts as a friendship “going to get coffee or lunch” then turns into something else. Does this always happen? Of course not…but i’m not going to put myself in a situation that would jeopardize my relationship or make my FH uncomfortable. Just because you want a healthy, respectful relationship does not make you insecure/crazy/jealous.

OP- I’m sorry that people with different opinions feel it necessary to attack your relationship. I think from your post you seem to be a very empathetic person and that doesn’t come naturally to everyone. I would be concerned too if I were in your position!

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