Post # 1
I had to contact my cousin about something this week and out of nowhere she asked point blank if I was coming to her wedding or not. It was in an email, so not a phone conversation (thank goodness). Just “Are you and Darling Husband coming to the wedding?” It wasn’t really in casual conversation, she was asking for real.
Some background: I am invited to my cousin’s wedding this fall. I received the STD a few months ago, the wedding is on a Sunday in November so still several months away. An invitation has not gone out yet, I still don’t know what time everything is taking place which will determine if I can drive or fly based on my vacation days (which are very limited). It’s either a 12 hour drive or a $400 flight per person (me and DH). So there’s a chance we won’t be able to go at all.
I felt very put on the spot by that question and a little annoyed because it was kind of crass and rude (IMO). When I was planning my wedding I NEVER asked anyone if they were coming until after the RSVP date on the invite passed and certainly not a full 3 months before the big date. Yes, some people told me if they could make it or not once they got the STD, but I knew most people would decide for sure after the invite went out. Especially for people traveling from Out of Town, it’s understandable that they might not know until the time gets closer.
My first reaction was to write back and ask her the timing of the ceremony and reception but thankfully I stopped myself. I just don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss that with the bride – we should be able to decide on our own then give our response. But am I totally out of line, is it considered good manners to ask guests if they’re coming or not (point blank, not in casual conversation) before invites go out? Thanks!
Post # 3
@moderndaisy: Well, you could give her the ” I’m not sure yet, we need to see how a few things pan out first and we would like to be able to have the invitiation for all the info first as well” Gives her an idea that you are thinking about it but dont have the full details yet. She may be asking you because she really wants you there and yes she is jumping the gun a bit but I doubt she is doing that to everyone she invited.
Post # 4
I wasn’t planning on asking anyone if they were coming unless I hadn’t heard back from them via RSVP card. I don’t know if it was rude that she asked though, maybe she was just excited and hoping you and Darling Husband would be attending. Perhaps she didn’t realize it wasn’t an appropriate question to ask…
Post # 5
A lot of my Out of Town family volunteered the information because it would greatly effect my numbers. I didn’t ask them, they were just forthcoming.
In this situation I would say “I honestly don’t know” b/c you don’t know! I don’t know your relationship or her intention but I wouldn’t get too upset about it (weddings make us all a little crazy).
Post # 6
I don’t think she was trying to be rude. How close are you? I don’t think it’s rude to even ask before the invites go out. I would just write her back and ask for details and that you will let her know.
Post # 7
I would just tell your that you are not positive if you will be able to make it or not as of yet.
Post # 8
I don’t consider this rude… her timing is a little off but not rude to me. Everyone gets that feeling when they think an Out of Town guest probably won’t be able to make it. She may just be wondering if you’re in that camp or not. I wouldn’t take it personally and tell you her not quite sure if you can make it but you’ll surely reply before the deadline.
Post # 9
When I was asking my Out of Town family for addresses I automatically said to them we would love to have you but if you cannot make it then we understand. I personally don’t see anything wrong with her asking. But maybe she has a tighter budget than you and was trying to figure out numbers.
Post # 10
@Miss Tattoo: We aren’t that close, only see each other at holidays.
The thing is – I felt put on the spot because if I say “I’m not sure” then that just opens our decision up to questions from not only her, but other family members who might want us to go. And I don’t want to start asking her questions to determine if I can go or not, because we should be able to make the decision AFTER we get the invite without her being involved. That’s why I thought it was rude of her to ask – then I remembered that I actually didn’t ask any of my guests if they were coming or not before the RSVP date for this very reason – it’s just an awkward question to ask someone.
Post # 11
I don’t think it’s all that rude. It sounds like she was just curious to see if you guys were coming to the wedding. Unless you send the actual context of the email, I can’t know for sure, but if I said, “are you guys coming to the wedding?” through an email, it wouldn’t have been in a demanding tone.
It’s always hard to read tone over email. So try not to take too much offense to it.
Post # 12
@2PeasinaPod: I wasn’t offended, but I knew her tone – she was actually point blank asking if I was coming. It wasn’t “So do you think you’ll be able to make it?” just “Are you coming?”.
Post # 13
Maybe she was asking because if you aren’t coming, she won’t send you an invite. We see questions like this all the time on the bee about if you sent a save the date, do you have to invite…etc. Maybe she wants to invite others if you can’t make the trip?
Post # 14
I said other becase your option:
No a bride can demand an RSVP at any time, even without an invitation
is way too rude. No, you cannot demand an RSVP, but you can casually ask if someone is coming, hell I did, and people have asked me that too, I see nothing wrong with it.
So I want to vote for the option:
A bride can ask if you are comming before the RSVP.
you can always say “I’m thinking about it.”
Post # 15
I chose “other” because she wasnt really “demanding” an rsvp but just asking. I dont think there is any harm in the bride asking if someone can make it or not. If you arent sure you can always reply with “we hope to be there but will let you know for sure” I think you are taking it way too seriously
Post # 16
I don’t see it as rude, just inquisitive. And there is nothing wrong with telling her that you won’t know until closer to the date if the plans will be able to work out. She isn’t asking for a firm, unchangable RSVP now.