(Closed) Do you think this is weird or am I being paranoid?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think that this needs to be looked at in context of what the rest of your relationship is like. Darling Husband and I were long distance for over a year (international) and he doesn’t even have fb so he could easily “hide me” :p. But I met his family before we went long distance, met all his friends when I visited and generally felt very included in his life so this was never an issue in the slightest. 

However, there are people who do deliberately hide their SOs on fb. My husband has a friend, now an ex-friend to be honest, who dated a girl for a year whilst living with another girl. We all knew the live in gf and he somehow kept the lie going for ages. He was very strict about what went on fb etc. and apparently neither of the two girlfriends knew about the other. For an entire year!!

So yes… crazy stuff like this sadly does happen. You’re the only one of us who can really have a feel for whether or not your SO might do something like this. But I would say definitely chat to your SO and say you’d like to be more included or something rather than just accusing him of something. 

Post # 32
2417 posts
Buzzing bee

I think what’s REALLY bothering you is the fact that he deosn’t seem to want to show you off to the world. And honestly, that would bother me, too. My SO tried that song and dance with me too – “I just don’t like sharing my life all over fb, I don’t see the point in using social media that much, etc” BUTT he would post his fishing trips with him holding a fish constantly. And other people could check him into locations and tag him into posts and that was fine. 

I started to think that maybe he was just scared to make a big deal of us (or even really show us) on fb because he was scared of the fall out if things didn’t work out. He was with his ex for 3 years and I’m pretty sure they were all over each other’s fb’s, and he had to go back and erase her from everything after how things ended.

I wasn’t confrontational went I brought it up – I was just really vulnerable and told him that -rational or not- it hurt my feelings that the man I love and who claims to love me doesn’t want to do the social media equivalent of shouting it from the rooftops. I told him that EMOTIONALLY, I feel like I deserve that kind of relationship – where we are both very excited about each other and not scared to show it. I’m not talking overly-emotional, gross status updates, but just the typical checking in together and posting photos together, etc. He validated my emotions and vowed to try to see things from my point of view. A few weeks later, he posted a picture I had taken of him and his new gun dog at the shooting range and tagged me as his “beautiful, amazing, loving girlfriend photographer.”

It’s amazing how your man will react when you come from a place of non-confrontational vulnerability and emotional honesty.

Post # 33
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You know, someone could see him on the street in all his hotness and go for it too… no Facebook required. 🙂 

If you feel like he’s not letting you into his life and introducing you to friends and family, that’s a whole other story/problem.

Post # 34
5803 posts
Bee Keeper

Just to give you the other side of things, I have my FB set up so that I have to approve everything before it’s posted on my timeline. I’m honestly not hiding anything, it’s that some people are so indiscreet in what they tag you in and I’m sometimes not on Facebook for a couple of days at a time & I don’t want to come back from a weekend away to find out someone’s posted a really raunchy joke or an unflattering photo of me doing shots at a party for all of my relatives, FI’s relatives, our kids, my (adult) students, co-workers etc to see. Some people really need to know what the ‘private message’ function is for!

I rarely post pics of my Fiance and I on Facebook (maybe 3 or 4 times in the past 5 years) and my Fiance is on FB so infrequently he’s practically off the grid. I haven’t posted a pic of us on weddingbee either, I kinda envy those who do and wish I could be a bit less paranoid and private about what I share. 

Unless you think he’s trying to hide your relationship to appear single and available, I wouldn’t worry about it sweetie.

Post # 35
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

View original reply
mrsrizz:  I completely agree, as it is just him and not anyone else in the photo. I wouldn’t worry and he seems to be keeping his stance on not having his personal life on facebook. 

Post # 36
7028 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m on FB, about 80% of my posts are career-related and about 20% personal. I’ve never posted anything about my SO of two years on FB, primarily because of my crazy exH (who uses family members with whom I’m still friends to check on me as he’s blocked) and his unpredictable responses, partly because SO and I just don’t take a lot of pictures together and partly because I’m just a private person. 

Are you otherwise uncertain of your relationship?

Post # 37
553 posts
Busy bee

Get off FB altogether. 

Post # 38
2968 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
puppypal555:  I think youre overreacting. You said that he was alone in the picture so it is a picture of just him on his page. If he posts pictures of you or friends people may ask questions or look each of you up so I can see why he keeps everything professional on his page.

Post # 39
9140 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Oh I’m  glad I gave up Facebook, look at all the  trouble  I have saved myself . Even if friends  on there are calling me antideluvian, I don’t know about it  !  

Post # 40
3111 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I just wanted to offer another perspective as well, that I just thought of. A close friend of mine was in a long distance relationship for years, and got engaged and didn’t post a thing about their relationship until they got married. She wasn’t being shady, she’s just a very private person, of course her family and closest friends knew about the relationship but that was it. She also posted photos often, of friends etc, I think there was a few photos of him as well but it was never made clear that they were in a relationship, they weren’t “fb official”. She is one of the most honest and loyal people I’ve ever met, no bullshit, no sketchiness, she just doesn’t open her relationship up to others, she sees it as private. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that. We are all different. 

Post # 41
9 posts

im a bit crazy but id force him to allow it on his timeline, to me its sus his probably hiding it from other girls that he could be speaking to at the same time, is his relationship status hidden? or on public? cause now days u can even hide that from “select” people. dont mean to alarm u just my honest opinion

Post # 42
1261 posts
Bumble bee

As long as you don’t feel that he’s keeping you a secret from friends/family in real life I see no problem. And tagging you as his favorite person? I think everything’s good and he’s just stricter about facebook than the average bear.

Post # 43
258 posts
Helper bee

Is this bothering you because there are other things making you slightly suspicious? Because I agree, this issue by itself is nothing to make a big deal over. But I could see how it might be part of a larger pattern. 

Not to scare you, but my close friend had been dating a guy for three years only to find out recently that he had four other girlfriends. She & her ex were long-distance, and he was also long-distance with most of the other girls. He would never post anything on social media with any of them that couldn’t be written off as the girl being just a friend, so somehow he managed to maintain the lie for a long time. My friend only found out because one of the other girls went through his phone, realized what was going on, and contacted her. The crazy thing is that my friend said when the girl reached out to her, she actually felt relieved. She’d been suspicious for years but it was always just little things & he would convince her she was being crazy. To realize she’d been right all along was a breath of fresh air. 

I’m certainly not saying that this is the case with your boyfriend. But as another poster said, stranger things have happened. Are you generally a jealous or suspicious person in past relationships? If the answer is no & you’re not sure why that behavior is coming out in this one, try to think carefully about that. Are there a bunch of small things that seem minor on their own but taken together make you suspicious? Sometimes people’s instincts can be right on & you should listen to them. 

But this all depends on context. If you generally tend to be suspicious or if it’s completely an isolated incident, there’s probably nothing going on & you should just drop it. 

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