(Closed) Do you think we’re rushing?

posted 8 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 62
Member
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@UpstateCait:  Ooh – we could call it “getting promised”. Because “getting ringed” just doesn’t sound right!

Post # 63
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

brenda.m.fields: Ah,  ok  that really makes sence.  thank you.

I have a rather long engagement, but its olny for finanical reasons, and i totally get what you are saying and it makes a lot of sence.

Post # 64
Member
10361 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think the fact that there isn’t even a wedding board for people in your age group should tell you that you are rushing it. Yes, people mature at different rates and all that, but it doesn’t change the fact that it doesn’t hurt to wait a couple of years and see how you grow together first.

Post # 65
Member
2583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I got engaged at 19 after we dated for 2 years and am now 21, getting married in about 2 months. I absolutely love being a young bride. That said, I’m also in the camp of “if you’re asking you may be too young.” We didn’t ask validation from anyone, not even our parents- when my Fiance proposed, it was a complete surprise to everyone, but they were all thrilled and I had no concerns that my parents or anyone else would judge us, because I was and am still so confident in our relationship.

Something I’ve noticed a lot of young brides (or engaged couples) don’t consider is all the financial details. You’re planning on going to college by the sounds of it… how would getting married during college affect your government student loans? What about health insurance, since I assume you’re on your parents’? Vehicles and car insurance? I know that at 17 I was money conscious but I hadn’t considered many of these things until after I started college. Also, have you discussed how many kids you want, where you want or do not want to live, etc? Will you be long distance during college? Maybe you’ve already discussed all this and more, but make sure you consider all these big questions now, even if kids and owning a house seems far away. And you said you’re nervous to talk to your boyfriend about postponing engagement a while… I would advise that you should be super comfortable communicating about anything with your boyfriend before you consider engagement.

Also, I’ll share my personal experience with you. I began dating my Fiance during my senior year of HS, then went to college about an hour and a half away. We actually broke up the summer after my freshman year of college, for about 4 months, but we were eventually able to resolve things and have been happy for the last year and a half. The first year of college was a major transition for me, and I know a ton of seemingly strong HS couples broke up during that time. You may not break up- I certainly hope you don’t- but if you’re planning on waiting a while to get married, you may just want to wait out the first year of college too. I do wish you the best though, whatever you decide to do! (And sorry this is sort of long.)

 

Post # 66
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@hisgoosiegirl:  and comments like THIS are why there is a stereotype against young brides…

To clarify, the comment was not made by the OP. 

This is exactly right. I’m a young wife, and I hate when I see other young brides/wives acting this way. It really disheartens me because I know that it looks bad for us all. I’ve previously mentioned  that I don’t agree with just any young person getting married, and I feel the ability to articulate yourself appropriately and carry yourself with dignity and class is a requirement of the heightened maturity so many claim to have. At the very least, if you can’t manage these things, please do not publicly represent yourself poorly and further this stereotype. 

To the OP, I don’t doubt that you may be mature for your age. Still, I agree with PP. I don’t think you should be considering getting engaged or married until you and you SO are entirely financially independent. I won’t bore you with my story, but I’ve been financially independent since I was 17 and would not have considered being engaged before I was. I don’t mean to be harsh, but I wouldn’t take a couple seriously if they were enagaged before they could support themselves. If you will not be able to support yourselves in the near future, a promise ring is a great compromise. I never had one, but, honestly, that is something I would love to have received so I could have it as a RHR now. 

Post # 67
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee

I would say wait, but get a promise ring!

I know you are tired of hearing “you’re so young…blah blah blah” but the reality of it is yes. You are young. I would say I changed the most from 17-21. 

I would also say that love is not always enough to make a relationship work and there are also many other factors that go into making a marriage work. I did not realize this when I was your age…maybe you think you do now, or maybe you really do know that right now… but I didn’t. 

I was in love with my HS bf but soo glad we didn’t get married because we are two totally different people now. 

Just wait and see how your first two years of college go, and if you are still in love with eachother and commited to eachother, then I think you will be ready for marriage. 

This is just my two cents of my opinion and of course everyone is different. I don’t know what you have been through…how mature you are for a 17 year old etc. But I hope I helped in some way. 

XOox

 

Post # 68
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@galloway111:  …how would getting married during college affect your government student loans?

I just saw this, and wanted to weigh in because of personal experience and the experiences of those close to me. You are almost always eligible for more financial aid/loans as a young married couple than an unmarried individual. You are required to be counted as a dependent of your parents for financial aid purposes until you are 24 or married. Considering someone’s parents will almost always make more than they would as a young couple, they are likely to be eligible for more aid. Of course, this is not a stand-alone reason to get married, but it is a financial consideration few people think about. This is one of the rare things that young people actually financially benefit from when married. 

Post # 69
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

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@MsPoodles:  Oh no no no no no no, I was replying to some comments made by a different young bride poster who has been……having issues I’ll say, in multiple threads recently. The rest of my post was to the OP, not that first portion.

 

Edit: I know see those comments were removed. Definitely a good thing!

Post # 70
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Old Stone House in Brookyn

I think you should wait at least a year.

Contrary to the experience of many bees, I don’t think my personality and inherent beliefs have changed much since I was a teenager (now 25). That said, many of the ideas I had about my career, where I wanted to live, whether/how many children I wanted to have… these kinds of practical plans changed a lot once I had first-hand experience living as an adult. You can have a strong, loving relationship but if you don’t see eye-to-eye on where your lives are going or how you will handle day-to-day responsibilities your marriage will inevitably have conflict. To be a cliche, you have to experience the “real world” for at least a little while before you decide how you fit into it and where you want your life to go.

Post # 71
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@MsPoodles:  I have two things to comment on from your posts.

First, just out of curiousity, how close do you think a couple has to be to being financially independent before they get engaged? Not that it really changes anything, but my Fiance and I had been together for over 6 and a half years before we got engaged. However, I am still in college (albeit paying for it on my own with financial aid, scholarships, and work) and he has recently graduated and does not yet earn an income to strike out on his own because the job outlook is so poor for his discipline.

That being said, we waited until I had solidified plans about going to grad school and were sure that I had financial offers in hand. With that and presuming that he is able to get work of any variety (which I am confident he will be, because he’s very flexible as far as hours and job requirements go), we’ll pretty safely be able to get an apartment this coming year. So given the length of our relationship, the imminent financial independence, and the savings that we both have to finance our inexpensive wedding, we figured now would be as good as a time as any to get engaged.

Also, as far as getting married affecting your financial aid, that depends on the circumstance that you’re coming from. In my case, as an undergraduate, because my expected family contribution (EFC) is very close to zero, I qualify for more aid than I would if I were independent. While being married decreases the overall amount of income being factored in, the grants that are available to financially independent students are smaller. That being said, if you do have a signficant EFC based on parental income, getting married could increase the amount of aid you’re qualified for.

Post # 72
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Like many other posters, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you about when I was your age.

I was and still am very mature for my age (I’m now 25). At 18, I was very set in who I was and what I wanted. Fortunately, I wasn’t in a relationship as I finished high school, and didn’t have to worry about what you’re going through.

But, as confident as I was in knowing myself then, I am so grateful to have taken the last 7 years to experience the world on my own, outside of my parents’ home, going to  college with all new people, joining new clubs and activities that I never knew I’d love.

In college when I did have a long term relationship, I didn’t branch out much or make many lifelong friends. When that relationship ended, I had a chance to gain amazing lifelong friendships with other women – friendships I would not sacrifice for the world. They are my sisters (even though I have 4 real ones at home). 

They helped me become an even better, stronger woman than I was when I was 18 – not something a boyfriend could have done for me.

Do what’s best for you, but know that you’ve got a long life ahead of you, you are still young, and I think it’s best to continue to explore what’s out there at least until after college and after you’ve lived on your own for a good while. If he’s a good man, then he should realize that it’s okay to continue to date/experience a little more life outside of your parents home before settling into marriage.

 

Post # 73
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m marrying my HS boyfriend, but we broke up for several years during college. We changed a LOT, dated other people, but became really good friends and eventually realized no one else was as good as each other. I live on my own now, fully support myself, and though I’m so tired of living an hour away from him, I wouldn’t trade the confidence being independent has given me. We’re financially stable and so much more grown up than at 17 (and I thought I was mature then). I’m 24 and we’re getting married in October, so it will be 9 years from when we first started dating. It’s great when everyone’s reaction to your engagement is “finally!” instead of “are you sure?”

Are you hoping that getting engaged will make your relationship more secure as you start going through all the changes college brings? In my opinion, an engagement shouldn’t mean more commitment and won’t make your relationship stronger, just means you can officially start planning a wedding. If you’re going to wait several years anyways, it will probably just put outside pressure on you to stay together because breaking an engagement is a lot harder than breaking up (not that you necessarily would, just keep that in mind if you’re not 150% absolutely positive).

I say this from experience. I went to a Christian school, aka marriage factory, and saw an incredible amount of young married couples struggle and even divorce. I remember one of my friends crying because she couldn’t go to the doctors when she was sick because they couldn’t afford enough insurance.

Besides, what’s the rush? You’ve got tons of time. Weddings are so much more fun to plan when you have more money to spend 🙂

Post # 74
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@hisgoosiegirl

Sorry, I tried to clarify my post, but it didn’t work. I wasn’t correcting you, I was just trying to make sure others knew my first paragraph wasn’t addressing the OP. I was actually agreeing with you, and that first paragraph was addressing those inappropriate comments that have since been deleted.

@hyperjulie

In my situation I qualified for a lot more financial aid as an independent student. My parents make good money, so the estimated family contribution was high even though they don’t contribute at all. I was informed by my school that, whether or not they help, their income is still counted unless I’m married. As far as being financially independent, I think you are financially independent if you’re living off aid/loans/work rather than a parent’s pocketbook. You will ultimately have to pay back those loans, so you are footing the bill (just not right away). Personally, I’ve known couples who expected their parents to take care of them even though they were engaged/married, and this is what I disagree with. I would definitely wait to get married until he had a job, but that’s not my call. Not that you need my blessing at all, but I would be on board with the plan you described above.

Post # 75
Member
4346 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

“but my boyfriend is so sure about this and is so excited I don’t know how to tell him I’d be more comfortable with it once I’m graduated,which is a whole year away”

I bet you two are already talking about getting engaged/married, so the next time one of you brings it up, start talking about a life timeline. Discuss the main events you see happening over the next 10 years (getting engaged, getting married, graduating college, having kids (and how far apart they will be, how many) ect.) If you are  going to get engaged, you should be on the same page, or working on getting to the same page on issues like that. And when he mentions getting engaged in the next month, six months or whenever he is thinking, tell him you want to finish high school first. (Or, if reading the responses has made you want to wait longer, tell him that.) You can say something along the lines of “I love you and I want to be with you forever, but since we know we’re not going to get married for five years (total guess on my part, I don’t know if you ever gave a wedding date), I would like to wait at least one more year before getting engaged.”  I know when my Fiance and I were first dating, I told him I did not want to get engaged before I graduated high school, and then at the end of my freshman year of college I told him that I had changed my mind, and was ready to get engaged when he was. He waited about six months and then told me he was ready to be engaged too. Then he waited another two years and finally proposed. We talked about marriage really early in our relationship (like after a couple weeks as a joke) and never really stopped talking about it. We both knew we would get married after about a year (well I knew a lot sooner than that but I was 16 so I don’t know if I really understood my emotions) and we talked about it regularly throughout our relationship. It doesn’t need to be a constant topic, but if you are both seriously considering getting engaged (which you are) you should have a couple serious discussions about when that will happen, what happens before that, and most importantly what happens afterwards (because marriage isn’t about the wedding, its about what happens after the wedding).

Post # 76
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@MsPoodles:  Not that I need your blessing, but it nice to get affirmation that we are being reasonable.

The wedding definitely won’t happen until he has a job, no way no how. Which reminds me, I ought to bother him some about putting in applications. 🙂

As for the OP, I hope that the advice and cautions that you have gotten on this thread are helpful. If you and your boyfriend are meant to be married, you’ll still be together a few years down the line, engaged or not.

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