(Closed) Do you think you are controlling in your relationship?

posted 5 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If it works and neither of you have an issue with it, then keep on.  My fi and I are in charge of our own finances and both of us are responsible with them, so there was no need to change anything when we started living together.  He does ask me to pay the bills that aren’t on auto-pay though since he is less disciplined about keeping track of them than I am. 

Post # 5
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@MrsWBS:  +1, we’re the same way.  We have our own finances, pay our own bills and joint bills together.

I don’t think I could be with someone who wasn’t good with their money, it’d stress me out to much!  But it sounds like things work fine for you two, OP!

Post # 6
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

@ddsfam:  I don’t think what you are doing is controlling necessarily, if anything it is helping him to be a little more responsible with money than he used to be.

In my relationship I am far from controlling. Neither of us are controlling toward the other. His money is his, mine is mine. No one telling eachother how or when to spend it. I could understand in your situation though or if someone is going a little overboard with spending, then it makes sense to set some boundaries.

Post # 7
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My husband and I went on vacation recently.  It is demeaning for me to ask for money.  I feel like a litle kid… so I took half the money to do what I wanted with and he had his half to do what he wants to do with.

I just feel like a child if I have to ask him for money and he says “no”.  (not that he ever would)  but yes, I do believe it is a little controlling.  Now that he is probably much better with money, it is probably best to lessen the reins on that a little bit. 

Post # 8
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I manage our finances because like you, my husband had bad spending habits when we got together. It’s really none of your sisters business how you and your partner spend your money. Don’t let what she says upset you, I think it’s perfectly normal for one person in the relationship look after finances.

Post # 9
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I do the same thing…..I don’t think I am too controlling and it works for us. He was horrible with money, so I handle all the bills and help him with what he spends/saves…Not quite as much control as you have, but he definitely consults me in the financial department. However in the past 5 years we’ve been together, he has improved greatly just from seeing how I handle money, so it is becoming less and less control over his money (though he still gives me his half of the bills and I pay them, to prevent late fees from his occasional forgetfullness)

Post # 10
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am not really…. I have to stay on top of him for things like taking care of his health (Quit smoking, wear sunscreen, eat more veggies, exercise and going to his doctor appointments). Plus small things that really mean more to me then it does for him like getting the christmas decorations down from the garage. Other then that…. he is pretty good about making sure things get done and bills get paid. He is careful with his money and has near perfect credit, he knows when to cut unnecessary spending to adjust our budget. So, I don’t really need to worry about that.

Post # 11
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@ddsfam:  OP, if it works for you and your husband, which is seems it does, then great!

For me personally, texting you over a $2 sub is excessive and he should learn to make some decisions on his own. I understand him consulting you for larger purchases but over lunch? I think eventually you will feel more and more like his mother and he may begin to feel demeaned or like he is being treated like a child. I think it is fine for one person to handle the finances and the bills but he should be able to spend a certain amount of money on whatever he deems necessary. You could set up a weekly amount for food and other expenses or something like that. I guess what I’m trying to say is if he is texting you over a $2 sub then in my book that is way too dependent! 

I don’t want to make you feel bad because I think you sound very responsible and are being a great wife by trying to help him keep everything in order. However, for my relationship this would be too much.

Post # 12
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I am totally in control of our finances. Fiance is pretty bad at keeping control of his money.. it’s literally like water running through his hands! Our bank accounts are not tied together though and he’s definitely not as open/willing as it sounds like you SO is. My Fiance will cash his check and give me (almost) all of it. I then pay rent, comcast, other random bills.

I’ve tried it where he keeps his own money and I will charge things on his card when certain bills are due, but honestly, that doesn’t work for us. He WILL spend it. He’ll be like oh yea, I have $300 left and then look at his account and it will have, no joke, $100 from transactions he thought already cleared. So, for us, it just makes things easier this way. 🙂

As for others feeling like you’re controlling him, if it works for you guys and he doesn’t have a problem with it, then just keep doing what you’re doing. Maybe have a conversation with him just to assure yourself he IS okay with your guys financial situation. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
2352 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

my fi practically makes me be what i would consider controlling. he refuses to decide where we eat, what we buy, what we do, what we get ppl for birthdays, what he wears, where we go on vacation. its basically so he can never be responsible for bad decisions.

Post # 14
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t find it controlling. Controlling, to me, would be demanding all his receipts for the day, demanding to know what he’s going to buy before he buys it, giving him no access whatsoever to the accounts etc. You get the idea.

Post # 15
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Since you arent demanding it, its not controlling, but you may want to ask him why he feels the need to ask you abour $2 at lunch or decisions at work.

Maybe he thinks you would get mad if he didnt consult you. The fear of making you upset or him thinking this is what you want from him can be controlling his behavior.

Having full disclosure of life and finances is a perfectly good thing, but, again, ask him why he seemingly lost the ability to think for himself.

As another PP said you dont want you to feel like his mother at some point or for him to wake up one day and realize he doesnt recognize who he now is. 

Post # 16
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

This is going to sound bad, but every man in FI’s family (including him), are married or engaged to women to seem to be controlling. It’s not in a mean, or restrictive, way at all, but he generally prefers for me to make decisions on a lot of things. Usually we talk about certain things which come up, he gives an opinion if he has one, and then I make the choice.

I think it is fine as long as both partners are happy and personal growth is not restricted.

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