(Closed) Do you want to “get married in church?”

posted 8 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
3281 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think some people were raised in the church and feel a strong connection to the church. They feel like it should be a part of their marriage and wouldnt feel right if the church didnt marry them. I think a lot of people lose their following of actually GOING to church because they may be away for college and sometimes life just gets in the way, not that its an excuse.

I think that the church should practice what it preaches and be accepting of people that want to be married by the church though. My Fiance and I are not religious and we do not follow any teaching of any particular church, so we are getting married by a Justice of the Peace. Just thought I would help with some of your questions

Post # 4
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think for some people, family is a big motivation. My fiance and I are atheists, and as such we are planning not to get married in a church. But that decision has devastated my future mother in law, and she feels like we are abandoning our upbringing in the Lutheran church. She has told us it would mean a lot to her if we’d at least get a blessing in the church. I’m not sure how we’re going to handle it, but there’s a point where I have to balance respecting the beliefs of the church, and taking my family into consideration.

We’ve also been told our marriage won’t be “real” because it won’t be performed by a pastor. It’s too bad that our society often has that mindset, because I’m sure it deters a lot of people who would otherwise feel much more comfortable being married by a JOP. 

Post # 5
Member
604 posts
Busy bee

My mother would kill me if I didn’t lol Being Hispanic my family is very religious I am  also..my So’s family i Italian and also religious so it is a no brainer to get married in the church…I try to go to church regularly on Sunday. I think that religios in a great foundation for any marriage, but with that said those who arent religious still take it as a serious commitment even if they are all crazy about colors and thr actual planning

Post # 6
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree that family might have a lot to do with things. We have friends that are getting married in June in a church, and they aren’t religious at all! The groom’s mother told them she wouldn’t help pay for the wedding or bless the marriage unless they get married in the church, no exceptions. They chose to get married in the church to appease his mother since she was unable to accept the marriage unless it was that way.

As for us, my fiance and his family are very religious (Lutheran). It was extremely important for him to get married in the church he grew up in. I originally did not want to get married in a church, but since it was important to him, and I am not atheist I just don’t go to church every week, I agreed because I still believe in the teachings, just life got in the way of me going every week (I know not an excuse). Since we decided to get married in the church, we have been going to Sunday mass every chance we can (sometimes Fiance does work Sunday morning) so that we can get closer to God and rebuild that spiritual relationship.

Post # 7
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

This is an excellent post by the OP. So many couples actually post that they sincerely don’t care about the church’s beliefs or rules simply because the church is a pretty backdrop or they are pressured by their families to marry in a church they don’t belong to or believe in. They do get upset when the church does not bend and break their rules, which are in place for a reason, to fit their personal whims. If you don’t believe in something, don’t marry in a church that goes against your beliefs. Don’t allow anyone to bully you either. If your family can’t accept that you don’t share their beliefs, that is not your fault and they have no right to mistreat you or make you feel guily because of it. 

Post # 8
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

First, we aren’t “girls and boys”, we’re full grown adults and this is a community for discussion among equals.  I’m perfectly happy to discuss the phenomenon of non-Christians or nominal Christians wanting church weddings with you, but not if you’re going to be patronizing about it.

I think you’re wrong to assume that just because someone isn’t a a part of a church at the moment, that they aren’t trying to be a disciple of Christ.  My Fiance and I were ACTIVE members of a certian church throughout our engagement.  Then, a certian faction in the church forced the pastor to leave and began to move the church in a direction which we felt was not biblical sound.  We could not in good conscience continue attending a church which we felt was moving away from God, but had the dilemma that we didn’t have really any time to get involved with a new church before our wedding. Our former pastor had moved across the country.  So yes, we had to call up pastors out of the blue.  We were lucky to find one who was sympathetic toward our situation, and agreed to marry us.  We have been attending that church ever since.  I feel lucky that we didn’t call up your church, however, because we were heartbroken about the situation with our old church and the last thing we would have needed would have been the sort of  judgment which is evident throughout your posting.

Finding a church home isn’t always easy.  As someone who has moved 4 times in the last 6 years, I can totally see why someone might not be an active member of a particular church when they get engaged.  Not because they don’t want to be, but because finding a place where you feel comfortable investing your heart in a community takes time, and life doesn’t always offer that time when it’s most convenient. 

Many people have been “burned” by the church.  It’s not something that Christians like to talk about, but it’s true.  For these people, who may have always had faith, but were hurt by the church, an engagement can be a time of self reflection which may lead them to consider giving church another chance.  Rather than assuming that they only want to use the church because it fits some wedding fantasy and criticizing them for it, why not ask them kindly what has kept them away for so long, and ask what you can do to bring them back to the church?  I understand that it must be frustrating that some people treat the church like a secular venue, but for every person who does that there’s another who is reaching out!  Try to draw them in, rather than criticize them for reaching out to you… 

Post # 9
Member
604 posts
Busy bee

I agree with Ember. If you don’t believe in a particular church and its beliefs don’t get married there. You would abe doing your self a diservice as well as well mocking (although not purposely) that church and its beliefs.

Post # 10
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I am not getting married in a church. I was not raised extremely religiously so I had no attachment to a particular church or getting married in a church. 

I am getting married in an outdoor setting by a “real” pastor who is the pastor. This is FI’s childhood pastor. He was more than willing to marry us outside of a church setting.

I think you are right that people need to focus on the strength of their relationship and upcoming marriage and not get lost in all the wedding planning craziness. I simply wish you had not told this community that message in a negative and judgmental way!

Post # 11
Member
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

With all due respect, LutheranPastor, I have to be honest here…I am a little offended by your post!  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion (which is why I usually opt out of participating in religious debates), but practically delaring that people that don’t attend church aren’t worthy of being married by you in your church seems to be a bit harsh.  I’m going to explain to you why I, as a person who wants to get married in a church but don’t attend Sunday services, am a bit offended.

I was raised in a Christian household and to this day still consider my faith to be strong…even if I don’t attend a church anymore.  I have my own personal relationship with God that I wouldn’t change for the world, I just have yet to find a church I feel comfortable enough with to attend every Sunday.  I have been looking for 5 years now and have yet to find one.

I was baptised when I was 13 years old, because I chose to be.  I was also confirmed as a member of the church I grew up in because I chose to be.  There are very serious reasons I stopped attending this church, and the reason why I have a hard time finding a community I can trust to share my Sundays with, or more importantly, to share in my relationship with God.

I believe I answered your first two questions, if you could, please answer mine:

1.)  Why would you turn away people who want to get married in your church, even if they don’t have a strong faith?  Wouldn’t this be a wonderful oportunity to show them the grace of God?

2.)  Now that you know some of my history, please explain to me why I’m less deserving than your own parish.

Post # 12
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

I hate to use the “T” word but this post fits all the definitions… needlessly stirring up emotion, offensive, condescending, and judgemental. It sounds very similar to an anonymous “angry preacher’s rant” I’ve seen before on a couple of websites, although I can’t remember them at the moment. Hm.

Post # 13
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@Oyster, I would be inclined to agree.  There has been a lot of tension within the boards lately, which I think is prime for such a thing.

Edit:  And my decision of where I am getting married and why is a personal one, which I think it is for most brides and grooms.  But, we are not “boys and girls”.  We are adults, and speaking for myself has carefully considered every choice I have made in my wedding.  Be it, my colors, my vows, and where I choose to marry.

Post # 14
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sorry but what is a “T”? Sorry if that’s a stupid question lol

Post # 15
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@oyster and Miss Britt- my suspicious are raised as well.  I think a real pastor would come back and see how the thread progressed, so I guess we’ll see…

Post # 16
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

There is nothing offensive about the OP’s questions. They are intended to make people think, and that will make people mad because they don’t have to any other time. At the same time, the Bible does say that a man-made building is not required for worship. The general idea that the OP is trying to get people to think about is why they are marrying in a church. Is because they really want to and they believe what the church teaches or are they doing it for aesthetics or family pressure, both of which are offensive and disrespectful to the church itself. On the same token, if someone wants to join a church in their area, it is not that difficult. Every church is set apart by denomination and most people do know what the denomination they believe in teaches. Unless you are a tiny town, every city has at least one church per denomination.

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