(Closed) Do you/will you spank your children?

posted 5 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 106
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

amanda3334455:  And my brother and cousin, the only ones in my immediate and extended family who were spanked, have extreme issues with aggression and acting out. See the pattern here? Anecdotes don’t mean anything.

And ah yes, finding any correlation they want… When done scientifically… In a double blind… Without prior knowledge of the relationship… You’re right. So biased, must be false. God, does it exhaust me when people turn up their noses at repeated scientific research because it doesn’t fit their perception of the world.

Post # 107
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee
Post # 108
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

No, I don’t think I will. There is definitely a line between spanking your child and abusing your child, but it’s a thin line. I only recall being spanked once during my childhood. I have absolutely no memory of what I was being punished for, and I didn’t listen to my mom out of fear of spanking…I listened to her because the times when she was calm, patient, and silent were a million times more effective. I grew up to be an extremely respectful adult (as far as I know haha!), had amazing grades all through K12 and college, looking forward to a wonderful career, have never broken any non-traffic laws, never been involved in illicit activities, respect my parents completely, and look forward to every visit home! My Fiance on the other hand received a ton of spankings (with belt) when he was younger, and that mentality translated to the emotional side of his parents’ discipline as well. For many reasons other than spanking and their choice of punishments, Fiance and his parents no longer have a relationship. We both turned out to be good adults, so I really don’t think that spanking or no spanking is going to make your child not be a selfish brat…..that comes down to the rest of your parenting. But spanking or no spanking could definitely affect the relationship you have with your children if it crosses the line.

Post # 109
Member
2456 posts
Buzzing bee

Hitting a smaller human being is a good way to teach him or her that hitting another human being is a good thing and ok to do as long as you have a good reason to do so.

Whether spanking is “abuse” or not, it really doesn’t teach a small child a very good lesson, and teaches a terrible lesson to older children.

If we all were slapoed (or spanked) when we had a fender bender or were late on our taxes we probably would find some really creative ways of managing our feelings about the punishments, and I didn’t want my children to be wasting their growing time figuring out why I hurt them to keep them from hurting hemselves.

They grew up to be great adults without spankings.

Post # 110
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

amanda3334455:  Interesting that at the bottom of the articles FOR spanking, the researchers involved still said that it wasn’t something they would ever consider implementing in their parenting practices.

But yes, there is research on both sides of the debate and it all comes down to sample population, methods of measurement, and the criteria of evaluation. I’d love to see some of these studies listed being repeated with the same design by someone else, I think the results could be very intriguing.

Post # 111
Member
3449 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You know what, I believe that spanking, as merely ONE option among a myriad of child-discipline methods is fine in moderation. My husband does not agree primarily because he was physically abused well into his teen years and doesn’t see any difference between spanking and beating-within-an-inch-of-your-life (because he experienced the latter, though it was called the former). I am very sensitive to this because of my husband’s experience, so I have conceded to omitting physical spanking from our discipline methods. Still, I feel very confident in my ability to instill respect in my child and to raise him with the skills he will need to be successful in life. 

That said, I remember just about every incidence of spanking in my childhood and 95% percent of the time it was because either parent was tired, angry, fed-up, had a long day, was stressed with work or otherwise couldn’t be bothered to apply proper discipline–and NOT because I had done something so terrible as to merit that severity of punishment. Even as a young child, I realized that my parents’ moods were the primary determinant in whether or not I would be hit –or threatened to be hit– on a given day. It wasn’t often and I can’t say I was abused, but I can say that I don’t believe my parents used spanking responsibly

Post # 112
Member
2456 posts
Buzzing bee

I also don’t believe that if you love and cherish your child, it doesn’t matter if you hit them or not. Hitting does not send a loving message, whether you are showing love in other ways or not.

Post # 113
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

MrsBagel:  If I told you to ‘fuck off’ would you smack me across the mouth too? You should possess enough intelligence to teach someone a lesson without being violent. What lesson are you teaching by hitting a child? Respect from your child should be earned, not scared into them by slapping them across the mouth.

I was raised without being treated like that and can somehow manage to respect my parents. In fact, I respected them the entire time growing up because I looked up to them. They treated me fairly and when I did something wrong, it was discussed. They had enough respect for me to find out why I did something before reacting hastily and smacking me across the mouth. I completely disagree with hitting children because you can’t use your words properly.

LadyBlackheart:  My parents didn’t beat me as a child and I managed to grow up to not be an entitled and selfish adult. 

Kids are capable of learning without physical force. What lesson does hitting your child teach? Other than that, when they have conflict they can deal with it by using violence.. Intelligent people use words to get a point across, they also earn respect.. Scaring a small child into respecting you is kind of a backwards concept. I was disciplined as a child, with words. My parents wanted me to grow up to be intelligent and non-violent, so that is how they treated me.. Even when I acted in a way they didn’t approve of.  

 

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  KC-2722.
Post # 114
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t plan on spanking. My daughter is nine months old now, I just can’t imagine doing it. I was spanked if I was REALLY bad. I only remember one time, I had bit my brother but then I lied about it to my parents, which wasn’t very smart since he had little teeth marks all over his arms. I got spanked. I remember it being more humiliating than anything else.

Post # 115
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

I’m not a parent yet and neither is my SO, but I do know that if it ever came down to it, nothing else was working in terms of discipline, my children will get a spanking.

From what I’ve read on this post, it seems to me that a lot of parents and non-parents are arguing between the difference of spanking and full on child abuse.  IMO, spanking is not child abuse because it does not happen ALL THE TIME.  A spanking, in my experience as a child, was used as a threat or actually used maybe two or three times a year when we were being really bad.  After once or twice, just the threat was enough because I remembered that it hurt and that I probably shouldn’t be doing what I was doing.  It was enough to get me to stop and I believe that it works.

I do believe that trying other things before spanking is worth a try but like other PP have stated, every child responds differently to different punishments and sometimes taking away their toys isn’t enough because they’ll go and do something else.  I’ve even talked to parents that said they’d never spank their children before they had children and then one day, they just do it sometimes without even thinking… now before ppl freak out, I’ve witnessed it and they didn’t beat their child, they gave them a swipe on the bum and guess what?  The child stopped doing what they were doing because they knew then that it was wrong and that mommy wasn’t fooling around. 

From that moment forward, the child (whom I see on a regular basis) knows whenever a threat of a spanking arises, they stop the behaviour that isn’t acceptable.  In this day and age, taking away their tablet isn’t enough, sometimes old school methods are needed.

Post # 116
Member
2528 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

As a child, I was smacked. It is the only form of punishment that I remember. Maybe that’s because I didn’t see the little punishments as punishments so have completely erased them from my memory, or, more likely, the times I was bad were major and so that’s where the smacking came in. I was not smacked all the time, maybe because I tried to be good most of the time for fear of being smacked. I don’t think there is anything wrong with getting your children to behave because of fear…not fear of you, but fear of the punishment. Maybe there are other suitable non-violent punishments that can create the same effect but I think it would be individual to each child. If a child knows what will happen if they end up doing XYZ and they don’t want it to happen then hopefully XYZ will not occur.

My Darling Husband and I have not discussed any of this yet, but from a personal stand point I have not made up my mind if I would smack or not. I think it would depend on the child, the situation etc. I do know however that it wouldn’t be the main form of punishment and that I would choose other things first – e.g. Removal from situation, time out, privilige revoked etc.

Post # 117
Member
719 posts
Busy bee

Wow, heated topic.  I’m also late to the party, but I did skim all the comments and I think there’s one additional thing worth mentioning. 

A child’s brain is far less developed than an adult brain so of course a child is going to behave more impulsively than an adult and potentially need to be told the same thing repeatedly.  Yes, spanking, which arouses fear, may be an effective way to change behavior in the short term, but in the long term it is much more effective, in my opinion, to use your words.  With spanking, you are manipulating your child into behaving a certain way whereas by using your words you are helping your child along in their cognitive development of understanding right vs. wrong, how to behave in situations, etc… 

 

Post # 118
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

I will most likely get flamed for this… but this is the reality of how I parent. I’m not afraid to be judged for it. My reaction to any kind of judgements on my parenting is that it’s no one’s business. I have a happy, healthy, thriving 9 year old, so until it seems that I’m failing as a parent, anyone who doesn’t like my ideas on it can shove it.

My son has gotten spanked. On occasion. It rarely happens, but it has happened and with good reason. I don’t tolerate disrespect, carelessness, or a general lack of care about oneself or their surroundings, inluding people. My son knows me well and he can see when I’m reaching my limit with him. Like any child, he pushes those limits and when it means something to him (like when he really wants something to happen and I say no) he will push even harder. Those aren’t the times he’s gotten spanked. the times he has gotten spanked are when he’s just downright bad and has blatently ignored all the warnings and signals I give himthat he needs to stop or act right. And it has happened. He has quite a mouth on him, and he’s incredibly quick witted. Sometimes it crosses lines and he’s been raised to respect elders, authority figures and his peers (people in general). so sometimes that wit gets him into trouble.

Here’s the part where many people don’t agree with me, and I’m ok with that.

My son once said to me “you aren’t my friend anymore!” in a fit of rage when he didn’t get his way. My response was “I never was your friend, I was and am your mother. They are not one in the same. so you are exactly right, I am not your friend. I love you more than words can express, but I’m not afraid to be the bad guy when it’s necessary. I will be your biggest ally and your worst enemy if you make it that way. you choose” I fully believe that my son needs to know with 100% certainty that I love him. Unconditionally. But I don’t think it’s wrong for him to have a healthy amount of fear of me as well. By that I mean, I’m fine with the fact that if he’s acting up and I shoot him a look that says “keep it up and you won’t like what happens” he immediately gets his shit together. I don’t mind that when I raise my voice and firmly tell him that the answer is no that he knows it’s time to stop pushing simply because he realizes he’s hit level 2 on the anger scale and he knows he doesn’t want to hit levels any higher than that. I don’t mind that he knows that the end result of continuously pushing me is that he will get spanked. It rarely gets there. You wanna know why? because that little bit of fear he has of me as his mother stops his bad behavior before it even gets there. The simple fact that he knows I’ll do it if need be makes him stop. so I don’t actually have to spank him 99% of the time. Every now and then he keeps going and I think it’s because at that point there’s been enough time since his last spanking that he forgets that I will do it and just a tiny reminder that things haven’t changed usually sends the message that he needs to just stop when that first “look” is given.

As a child, I got hit. And I deserved it. I once called my mother a really bad word. you know what happened to me? I got smacked right across the face without hesitation. You better believe I thought twice after that about saying anything even remotely disrespectful to my mom.

I am not abusive. I don’t take pleasure in spanking my son. My son is a straight A student that is in student council, band, plays football, baseball and basketball, and who is incredibly kind and well mannered. He’s not some beaten down abused child because he’s gotten the occasional whack on the arm or hand to his backside. I also didn’t turn out to be violent or mean. And on occasion I really did get hit. So I call bullshit on that.

Post # 119
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

When they are little and they act like a fool, misbehaving and pitching a fit, put their ass in time out. Until they learn that bad behavior is NOT tolerated. There are other ways to show authority and demand respect. It might take some time for them to get it, but timeout to a 2 or 3 year old is the worst thing ever. My niece cries and screams to get her way but she doesn’t get to leave time out until she’s calmed down and apologized for what she has done. My sister will sometimes get impatient, or my dad will interfere and make my sister upset, and then she’ll spank her but I don’t agree with it.

We were both beat as kids. I say beat, not spanked, because when a parent uses a belt or a spoon it is really frightening and painful. It didn’t make me more obedient, it made me resentful and it made me sneaky. It still messes with my head sometimes. Fiance likes to slap my butt and sometimes it’s a turn on, and sometimes it makes me feel weird and bad about myself. I don’t think those thoughts would cross my mind if my parent’s hadn’t used corporal punishment.

It was bad with my dad, but he was more controlled with it. He would usually just tell me I was getting a whipping with a belt later, and then I’d get it. But with my mom it was much worse. She was physically abused by her mother and sexually abused by her step father. She never got the help she needed and had a lot of pent up anger and frustration. Once my room wasn’t cleaned and she grabbed my hair and spanked me. I was 6. I was so scared I lost control of my bladder. 

She felt like a monster afterwards and started getting help. My mom finally did get better and we began to heal our relationship. It doesn’t bother me like it used to. I’m an adult now and I can see that my mom was a victim and she finally took control of her life and stopped letting it control her before it was too late, but I will never forget how frightening and out of control parent can be. 

So no. I will never lay a hand on my childif it isn’t to give them hugs or tickle them to death. If you can’t discipline without fear I don’t think you should have children. And if all you’re going to do is “pop” them on the rear to make them mind, why can’t putting them in time out do the trick? Gaining respect through consistency and love will go much further. 

Post # 120
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Kelly6871:  Well.. with the roof thing, I think it’s more effective to teach a child not to climb onto dangerous objects, than to remove all dangerous objects from the child’s surroundings.. as adults we’re surrounded by dangerous objects every day. And it wasn’t our roof.. it was a neighbours roof. Anyway, have a nice day 🙂

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