Post # 1
So I am a bridesmaid, there are 4 of us in the wedding party. One of the girls isn’t coming to the shower because she would have to fly to it and cannot take the time off. Should she still contribute to the shower or is that expecting too much?
Post # 3
@alleycat1984: I voted yes, in this circumstance. If the shower was being planned as a destination and the bridesmaid who couldn’t attend stated in advance that she wouldn’t be able to travel for financial reasons, but everyone else decided to have it there anyway, I might feel differently.
Post # 4
I would have someone talk to her about it. Maybe see if she could buy and mail the invitations or something like that. If I were the bridesmaid I would likely offer to contribute what I could to the shower. With only 4 bridesamaids it seems like a lot of money and responsibility for only 3 people.
Post # 5
I said no, from what you’ve said, but I guess I’d need more info. None of my bridesmaids contributed to my shower (my mom’s friend and my aunt threw the shower). They would ALL have had to have flown in for it, and since they weren’t hosting, they didn’t pay. Was she in on the planning and then backed out? Or has it been established since the beginning that she wouldn’t be there? Will her name be on the invitation? In general, I don’t think someone who isn’t a host (and doesn’t consider themselves one) should have to contribute.
Post # 6
I think so. It would selfish on her part if she didn’t. A shower is like a gift to the bride, so whether she’s there or not shouldn’t matter especially if the bridal party is throwing it.
Post # 7
I would ask her if there were other ways she wanted to contribute (like PP suggested, getting invitations together and mailing them). If she offers, I think it’s more than okay to accept the funds, but I don’t know if I’d ask anyone to contribute, especially if they weren’t coming.
Post # 8
@alleycat1984: if she has previously agreed to help pay for the shower and THEN found out she can’t come, then yes, she should still pay the agreed-upon amount. if she hasn’t yet agreed to help pay AND she can’t come, then no.
Post # 9
She should kindly offer to pay for a part of it – maybe not as much of a share as the others, but something to help the other girls out. If she doens’t offer, then the other girls should ask her to contribute a small amount (meaning smaller than they are contributing) so she’s helping out but not feeling put out.
She’s a bridesmaid, she knew this crap was coming when she said “Sure, I’d love to be in your wedding.”
Hey, it’s cheaper than a flight to get there!
Post # 10
Have you talked to get about it? I think you should get her opinion first.
Post # 11
The attitude of many PPs confuses me. Every time someone says that a Bridesmaid or Best Man isn’t doing her duty with regard to showers, parties, etc, people say “A BM’s only duty is to wear the dress and show up.” But here, it’s assumed that a Bridesmaid or Best Man will host a shower for the bride. I’m of the “wear a dress and show up” variety, so I have a hard time thinking a Bridesmaid or Best Man (who hasn’t previously agreed to host the shower) should have to contribute.
Post # 12
I think it depends. In her case if she out of state and most likely will be paying or spending more on travel and other things for the wedding, she might not keen on paying. Also I don’t know that I would be thrilled with being asked to pay for a party I’m not hosting or attending.
Post # 13
Well she is the only bridesmaid who lives far away, the rest of us are in the same city as the bride. The bridal party is hosting because that’s tradition where I live. I kind of feel like she accepted and agreed to be in the party, so she should contribute something.
Post # 14
I couldn’t make it to my SIL’s bridal shower but still kicked in my share of the party planning costs and the group gift from the other bridesmaids. It just seems like the right thing to do. When I agreed to be a bridesmaid, I knew that contributing to the bridal shower and bachelorette was part of the deal. The other bridesmaids didn’t plan anything over the top, so I was totally happy to contribute.
Post # 15
You want her to contribute to a shower that she is neither hosting nor attending. What does she have to say about this?
Post # 16
@alleycat1984: People should only contribute what they can afford. I sure wouldn’t be giving money towards an event I wasn’t even attending.