Post # 1
Okay so I’m about 13 months into a 16 month engagement and everything is going really great. I am very grateful for smoothly things have gone and that we haven’t had any BIG drama or anything.
Now that the wedding is getting close though, I’m starting to get uncomfortable with all the stuff everyone is doing for me/us. Kind of like when someone gives you a really expensive gift and you feel badly about it? Like my shower is a week from Sunday and I feel terrible about how much my mom and Maid/Matron of Honor are spending on it. It was already going to be semi-expensive and then it turned out to be about 50% more people than expected (because my FI’s step mom told us that none of their side would come, but in the end all but one of them ARE coming). I offered to split the cost but of course both my mom and Maid/Matron of Honor said absolutely not.
Then there is my Future Mother-In-Law spending $900 for her and my Future Sister-In-Law to fly to Ohio for the shower (I know the cost bc she forwarded me the flight itinerary so we’d know when to get them from the airport). $900 on two tickets!! I told her they didn’t need to come but she said they really wanted to.
And of course my parents chipping in to help with the wedding. I didn’t ask but they offered a sum of money that is like 1/2 our wedding-day budget. I feel terrible taking it but we do need it and my dad said its “his job” to help pay for the wedding as much as they could.
And just everything surrounding the costs of being bridesmaids. I tried to make it cheap for them (let them pick out their own dress, but they turned out to be 150 each + alterations, told them they don’t have to get their hair done but they all are, flights here for the wedding and bachelorette party etc)
I’m not complaining about any of this because I know that they wouldn’t do it if they didn’t want to, and I’m VERY grateful for all of it (and there will be many thank you notes!), but it all just makes me uneasy. I just feel so badly that my getting engaged is costing so many people so much money! It never really occurred to me that getting married could cost other people in my life so much money (I’m stupid!)
Anyways, anyone else feel this way around wedding time? Anything that made you feel better/less guilty about it? (Other than thank you cards and gifts of course).
Post # 3
wow that was long. sorry :/
Post # 4
I feel badly sometimes too.
Don’t sweat it though, it’s your special time and people WANT to do things for you 🙂
Post # 5
Yes I do too. But they are all big girls/boys – you have to trust that if they don’t want to spend the money or they can’t spend the money they would let you know.
I think the best we can do is consistently show everyone how grateful we are — and not spend our time feeling guilty. They wouldn’t want that.
Post # 6
I felt badly at first too but then I realized that people wouldnt do those things if they didnt want to and/or werent happy for us so I made peace with it. They just want you to be happy and that is awesome!
Post # 7
Your feelings are very understandable especially if you are used to taking care of and paying for things yourself. If your family is happy and willing to do these things for you then just enjoy it! It will be you and the husband the day after and you won’t have the family there chipping in 🙂
Post # 8
I think people are pretty good at putting in what they’re comfortable with (unless there’s someone on the other side pressuring them) so try not to feel too bad. People can always decline shower invites so if they RSVP’d yes, they want to be there and get you a gift to help you start you and your soon to be hubs new life together. That being said I did feel guilty. My sisters and friends threw me a wonderful bachelorette party and at one point during dinner I gave the waitress my credit card and said put X amount on there and then bring the bill. They all figured out what went on and put up a tiny fit, but not that much and it helped me to feel less guilty.
And a little guilt is good, it will make you more thankful, which I think people appreciate seeing real thankfulness when they’re putting in hardwork and $$.
Post # 9
Dude, I totally have a gift/generousity complex. I love doing everything for everyone, but feel weird when people do it for me.
Just remind yourself that your friends and family wouldn’t be doing all this if they didn’t love you and your Fiance, and want to be there for both of you. And promise yourself that you’ll do whatever you can when it’s their turn, or at least be really nice in your thank-yous (and get them out in a reasonable time). That’s what I did, and I feel so much better about it all. Make it a point to say hi and thank everyone at your wedding, and make them all feel like they’re welcomed and desired at your big shindig. We shot for that, and everyone is telling us a month later how much they loved that they could be there.
Post # 10
I get it.
But I remind myself about my Darling Husband or envision my future children and how happy I would be to spend money on them. It’s not about the money for them; it’s about giving you something that makes you happy. Because they like it when you’re happy 🙂
Post # 11
I just had this conversation with my dad last night, he started asking me what we wanted for christmas and I told him we are getting too much from everyone already and we didn’t need anything. I feel spoiled! And honestly with how much we’ve cut back for budgeting getting random extra stuff seems like overkill, we’re all spending thousands this year so why don’t we just spend some time together? He laughed and said I’m ridiculous and that I better come up with some lists -_-
Post # 12
@arenyth: ohhh christmas lol. i so agree. i told my parents the same thing! my mom promised she’d cut back. we’ll see 🙂
Post # 13
I feel that way about planning a destination wedding. I really wanted to be able to give my guest more which is why i picked the location (instead of LA or NYC which were our other options) but now I feel like I was just really deferring a lot of the cost to them…
It costs only about $250-$300 to fly to CR from NYC but between $400-$600 to fly form anywhere else. My family alone is paying $2000 (my parents/sisters/niece/nephew)
It’s hard not to feel guilty the problem is that its making it hard for me to make any decisions… should I plan events everyday for the guests (yes: becasue they flew all that way No: because its their vacation I shouldn’t take up all their time) you get the point.. sigh
Post # 14
It’s kind of like you’re having your ‘AHA’ moment, huh? That’s part of why so many people get upset when there are a lot of big events in a short period of time, but you never really get it until you’re elbow deep in it. Weddings are expensive for everybody involved, guests included. It’s never just the wedding…there’s everything else that comes along with it. Most brides seem to have tunnel vision when planning, but have a far greater appreciation once it’s all over. 🙂
Enjoy yourself and know that everyone’s coming together for you…and they wouldn’t if they didn’t care.
Post # 15
@Miss_Pura Vida: i totally get that. we wanted a Destination Wedding at first but somehow I thought this would be cheaper…. lol
Post # 16
I had a hard time dealing with all the gifts and gestures of everyone as well. We were totally overwhelmed with the gifts people gave us. I definitely felt like we didn’t deserve it and I tried to downplay everything. I have a hard time being in the center of attention. I still can’t believe everyone could be so generous.
All I can say is that it’ll pass quickly. Make sure to write lots of handwritten thank you notes and make sure to pay people back as best you can for holidays and their weddings/events. Even if its just sending a photo once you’ve got your photos is nice – something of the couple of of you and them. It’s a nice gesture that they will like.