Post # 1
Every fall since 2008, usually it hits during the end of October/ early November some times earlier sometimes later, I fall into what I call my spell. I fall into a avoid that usually results in smiles and sunshines when peopel are looking while tears when I think nobody will see.
Before I go on I should say first time it happened was my first birthday away from home and in college. Prior to college my birthdays for the most part were in my mind relatively magical with events that would occurr that would often be remembered and referrence for years to come. I also at least prior to college never celebrated a birthday alone.Often with at least a group.
My first birthday in college I was turning 19 and had my first boyfriend. The night before we went out with a small group including my roommate and some friends that often were apart of the hijinks. We ended up at Walmart following bowling (when you can’t drink there wasn’t really much to do in that town) I got separated and went towards my defult of find the books. Next day on my birthday I did not see my boyfriend and I was pretty much left alone that day with not not even recieving a phone call from my parents. The next day my boyfriend broke up with me then within an hour I found out my godmother had cancer and my father lost his job.
After 2008 and once I got with my now husband while I haven’t excatly spent the day alone but it’s not like it has been anything adventurist or rememberable. I hinted one year that maybe it would be fun to do something with a group but that didn’t really happen.
So as the weeks tick down to my birthday the child that has been condition to be excited at the propesct still bounce up and down inside reminding me to be excited. Saying in that giddy vocie ” That this is birthday is going to top the others. It’ll be more memorable then Chuckie Cheese (18) or the party with the hotel tub.” Yet the voice that appeared after 2008 is starting to cut the line and only beating down the kid after it started to look like it was saying and rubbing away the other voice influences.
Once the cynical voice has it’s teeth fully suncked in my dark cloud barely disappears taking as long six months to fade… maybe longer. If it wasn’t for wanting to be an actress as kid I wouldn’t have learned how to cover my tracks when they start trying to take their holds.
I know that this post makes me come across as … well self-centered because its not deaths or really tramtic events that send me down my spirl. I just wonder if others have their versions?
Post # 2
Yes, it’s getting somewhat better though. Mainly cause of DH use to be September to Christmas. Then end of June into beginning of July. My dad died September 5, 2005. I was 17. So holidays were rough. I’m okay and have been the last couple of years and only get upset a few days out of the September-Christmas. His birthday was four days before mine at the end of June and I am July 2nd so we use to always have a daddy daughter birthday date night, so I normally am sad around then and I think that’s harder than holidays now.
Post # 3
The anniversary of my mother’s death is hard and as her funeral was early December that month, which includes my birthday and of course Christmas, is somber for me. No one cares as much about your birthday as your parents so being an orphan makes it a bit of a non event
sorry to hear your birthday is a bit of a downer too. Be sure to spoil yourself
Post # 4
Mid January-mid March is mine. It’s so dark, cold, and depressing here. Christmas is over. Barely any holidays. It’s so hard to go outside in -20 to -40 degree weather.
Post # 5
not so much set time frames like june-august but rather multiple milestone days (the date of the loss, the due date, funeral date, the date we found out etc…) spread out through the year when I remember I should be holding my baby and hes not there, maybe its because I pay attention more but I swear on those days every pregnant woman or newborn baby in a million mile radius attracts to me just to torment me
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
For me, it is around Easter. Right before Easter 2014 the toxic relationship with my abusive/narcissistic Mother ended. We became fully estranged…and I became estranged with the rest of my family by association. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not exactly losing sleep over it. If anything I’m a better person for it! My whole family was kind of messed up to be honest…but that is another story. I’ve done my share of counseling and support groups; this wound is as healed as it’s going to get…and most of the time I’d doing just fine!
It’s just…I can’t even begin to FATHOM carrying a baby inside me for 40 weeks, then giving birth to it and thinking to myself “I’m going to abuse this child and grind them down for their whole life and train them to believe they are unwanted and a burned and worthless.” I don’t remember the exact day that fateful phonecall happened where what was left of our relationship ended for good, but I do remember it was right before Easter.
Around that time every year I am suddenly that scared, sad, abused little girl again. I flip between being self hating and drowning in all the horrible things she said/did to me…and putting on the ‘Rose Coloured Glasses’ and being tearfully nostalgic about childhood traditions surrounding Easter (and all holidays by extension). One moment I’ll be feeling sorry for myself because I can ‘never go home’ and ‘don’t have a family’…the next I will be angry because what kind of Mother doesn’t want her child? I’ll even go over that last phone call in my head with a fine tooth comb for no other reason than to torture myself.
By the end of Easter Day, it’s like a light switch flips in my head. All the bitter and bad in my head and heart go away again. Every year it hurts a little less. Someday I hope it won’t be much more than a twinge in the back of my mind.
Post # 7
Father’s Day and his death day are hard otherwise after almost 12 years I can get through Christmas and birthdays mostly okay.
Post # 8
Since my father died 1.5 yrs ago, it’s around that time, but I actually try to focus on the happy memories of him so I don’t get so blue.
As for birthdays, I think that’s mostly part of being an adult. Things change for sure and it’s funny how as a kid we are always dying to be grown up and once we get there, it ain’t always that great. For you I’d suggest not just “hinting” to your DH, but outright telling him what you’d like. OR better yet, plan your own get together with your friends or an outing with your husband or whatever. You can still have fun, but maybe the difference is YOU have to do the planning. One of my favorite recent birthdays is when hubby and I went kayaking. MY idea and I planned it. So fun!!
Post # 9
My mom passed away April 2004 and my dad passed away April 2008. My mom was a couple of weeks before I turned 12 and my dad was the day after I turned 16. My mom’s birthday is in March so from like the beginning of March to like May, I am in a funk. This past April was really hard for me because it had been 12 years since my mom passed away so it was like damn, she’s been gone longer than I had with her. My grandpa also passed away the day after I got engaged, so it’s a moment of highs and lows. My husband’s mom also passed away when he was 16, so neither one of us like the holidays because they will never be the same. Hopefully, when we have kids, this will change.
Post # 10
Halloween. My brother died on Halloween, so it gets hard towards the end of the month.
Post # 11
I would feel kind of down sometimes right before Christmas. And then for the longest time I would get so depressed around Christmas. Now it is the anniversary of my fathers passing and his birthday.
Post # 12
–Hug– It will be okay.
And yes I feel your pain. Every mother’s day, I get SUPER upset. I avoid all social media, etc. I have a very bad relationship with my mother and it hurts like crazy. So I just celebrate my birthday and try to forget about it. (I know, ducks to be me. My birthday is on or around the same day as Mother’s Day).
Post # 13
My mom passed away in June of 2014. Her birthday was May 1st so from the beginning of May until the end of June, I’m in a funk. I avoid social media both on Mother’s Day and the day after just in case and I try my best to keep it all together. It’s hard but I still try and celebrate her birthday in a small way and remember the beautiful memories I have with her.
Post # 14
Valentines Day sucks for me. The best friend I ever had inthe world died on that day. I would just rather skip it, but my husband is a bit of a romantic and always gets me something, even tho I tell him not to.
Post # 15
I have a hard time around February-March. It was the worst period of my life when I was thirteen. I was violently sexually assaulted, and my mother died two weeks later in an accident. Then, my grandmother, who immediately took in my sister and I, passed away of a heart attack. I never told either of them what happened to me. Then my sister and I were seperated with no contact. I was suddenly living in a different country where I didn’t understand anyone with people I’d never met before who obviously didn’t want me there. (my father and his wife)
Their birthdays are hard. Mother’s day is hard. But I would really get weird during the time period which everything happened in. I don’t want to talk to my dad, even though our relationship is good now. I call my sister constantly. I need a lot of warning before people touch me. Intimacy can be difficult. And I get very very aggressive with certain types of men. It’s gotten better over the years, by far. I can control it better and reassure myself, even if I slip up a few times. But even fourteen years later, every time something goes wrong during that time, I can’t stop myself from thinking how fast everything can go wrong. How it’s already happened once and nothing is stopping it from happening again. Working on it, though.
I think it would be helpful if you saw a therapist. It shouldn’t be a game of who has it worse. Your emotions are just as important as everyone else’s and speaking to an unbiased party can feel very cleansing. It sounds like you’re mourning your childhood experiences and feeling terrible when you cannot recreate those feelings.