(Closed) Does anyone comment becuase your fiance is military?

posted 7 years ago in Military
Post # 3
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

my “what he is”(dont ask lol), is a Navy vet…our landlord is Pakistanian, and while he and his wife are AWESOME, esp as LL’s go…he always gets a wierd look on his face when my “WHI” talks about the Navy. and when our lil step bro told our LL he was going Army, our LL actually told him “what an ignorant choice, when you can continue your education”…so, that put a prickle in our relationship, but still…he’s in the BIG oil and gas industry(and has 6 years of college), and his wife, we just learned, is a medical examiner/GP, so I can somewhat understand what he meant, and I just pray he meant it in a different manner lol…

 

As for the divorce rate…I’m not popping bubbles here, or bashing Google. But I will tell you from PERSONAL(not applicable to all), experience, that EVERY SINGLE person that I, my “WHI”, and all 4 bff’s we each have, are all divorced, and as well as every person we can remember knowing, or keep in contact with.

A pre-deployment affair with my XH’s g/f is what caused my divorce. i recently learned, he was in a race to “secure a child”, and since I refused to get off BC, he started messing around. Needless to say, we’re divorced, he has a child with his XGF, and is married to what we like to call a “card chaser”

 

it’s all in how you and YOUR FH handle it…it’s gonna be hard. anyone who says it’s easy, and no big deal, is covering emotion so as not to seem like it’s an issue, OR have extra activities on the side keeping them occupied.

 

to all you ladies. I have lived on 2 military bases, and have friends across the US, and in Japan who could tell you horror stories. and I am not exageratting. BUT, those are all of our stories and experiences, and no 2 are the same.

i wish you all good luck, and happy engagements!!  again, I recommend CinCHouse.com that site is awesome, and can help with everything you can imagine…finances, relationship problems, deployment support, pregnancy support, anything you can dream of. and if it’s not on there, ask, and those ladies will find it!!!

Post # 4
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am in the miiltary (female), i have met tons of guys (3 deployments) who talk about there wives constantly and are completely in love. I have also met military men who cheat. Military men are no different from men in other occupations. I know a kindergarden teacher who cheated on his wife, a post office worker, even a male nurse. If people are jealous they will always find a way to bring down your happiness…..just dont let them.

The funny thing i have three guys who are getting a divorce when they get back from deployment, none of them want too it was the wives who didnt like them being gone all the time, didn’t like the military lifestyle or cheated. So it wasn’t the guys who made the decision to get divorced. Just understand that the military lifestyle isn’t an easy one….its unpredictable and fustrating.

If you get it again….just laugh and realize that your husband can probably beat up their husband.

Post # 5
Member
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Yes. It’s pretty common talk actually, before we got married all the guys in DH’s shop were telling him not to because we’d just end up divorced.

It’s true that military couples do go through a lot more stress than normal with deployments, long distances, money issues, PTSD, frequent moves, etc. That doesn’t mean that you are automatically destined to fail. It does mean that it takes a lot of hard work and compromise, but that’s ture of any marriage.

A marriage will work if the 2 people in it are willing to work on it.

Post # 6
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I’ve read google stats as well, I cant help but think they may be wrong. I feel like there are a lot of divorces in the military- most the people I know have been divorced, but part of that is there are a lot of people who marry young and they aren’t ready for the hardships of a military marriage. Another thing I observe frequently is couples haven’t been able to form a deep bond. A guy will meet a nice girl and propose before he leaves for deployment. It’s hard to really know someone after that amount of time, especially if they’re in the military.

 When my husband graduated OCS and immediatley left for a deployment my mom asked  in a concerned way, “Aren’t you afraid he’ll cheat on you?” I thought about her question for a second and said, “I’m not worried. I know it could happen, but I also know he would tell me. And to me, that’s the most important thing. If he cheats on me he’s doing me a favor, I don’t want to be with someone I have to watch.”

 I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about him cheating on me sometimes, but after a few deployments I realized he misses me just as much as I miss him. We have a deep connection I don’t think either of us will throw away. What i’m saying is when someone is snarky the best thing to do is smile and say, “Yes, it’s a possibility- but we work very hard on our marriage.”

 

 

Post # 7
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My Fiance is not in the military but I wanted to stop by and say thank you to everyone in the service, Bees and their FIs.

Post # 8
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My Fiance is in the military and I don’t worry about us at all.  We both know that our marriage is going to take a lot of sacrifice, but we’re both willing to put in 150%.  Now that I think about it, none of FI’s friends, bosses, or co-workers are divorced.  A lot of them are engaged actually.  Also, my grandpa served 34 years and he and my grandma will be celebrating their 56th anniversary in November.  The military life is what you make it.  My grandma said being a military wife was the best 34 years of her life.  She LOVED it.  The military life is definitely different and can be harder, but many couples have made it and many will continue to make it. 

Post # 9
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

We definitely heard those comments.  But I think in general people tell you that you will get divorced and throw out a reason.  I can count on one hand the number of people who said “congratulations” when I told them I was engaged, but I couldn’t begin to count the number of people who said “DON’T DO IT!”  It’s annoying and rude.  I think it’s even worse when they try to justify that with “Doctors/Military/CEOs/Lawyers have the highest divorce rates, you are destined to fail.”

Well guess what?  Military families also have free counseling and a built-in support structure that helps SOLIDIFY marriages.  And you are correct, the military divorce rate is not higher than average.  People with weak relationships will fail no matter what their occupations are.

Just let those comments slide off your back.  Some people talk out the side of their mouth when they have NO IDEA what they are talking about.

Post # 10
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’m sure Darling Husband got alot of rude comments on his end.  Several of his friends had their wives cheat on them and take everything from them during/after deployments.  On my end though, I never got any rude comments…just a lot of “oh it must be so romantic being married to a soldier” comments…Yeah…because being married to a guy that gets shot at for a living and not seeing him for a year at a time is soooooooo romantic (insert sarcasm) lol.  As romantic as those airport reunions were, they sure didn’t make up for all the time we spent apart…not…even…close.

On the flip side, if I DO hear of anyone giving a military spouse a hard time/say snide comments, I would get crazy defensive.  Yes there are some troubled marriages out there, but I know of many couples who are happy, in love, faithful, and make things work, despite numerous deployments…The military is hard, but totally doable WITH a positive attitude.

Post # 11
Member
2496 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

@maureen9004: Great points!!  I do think a lot of the divorce factor is the young couple + not having a strong bond that a lot of military marriages consist of.

Darling Husband and I have been together for almost 4 years, and he’s just now starting his military career, so we definitely feel more prepared and ready for the stress we’ll go through.  But, with that said, there’s a lot of stress we DON’T have to go through.  I don’t have to worry about our health care, Darling Husband losing his job, me being protected if something tragic happens.  Sure, there’s a lot of stress, but we also don’t have the worries of other couples, so it all evens out in a way.

We get comments all the time.  Most of the time people just say, “awww… how AWFUL!” and I am still figuring out how to respond.  Does it suck to be away, well yeah.  But, he has a kick ass job, and I am tremendously proud of him.  We value and appreciate each other more too than we did in the past.

The kicker was one of MIL’s friends said Darling Husband was a “terrible person for leaving his wife.  They’ll have a bad marriage if he’s gone all the time.”  That made me mad because he’s not leaving me — he’s working.  It just so happens his work takes him away for periods of time.  We deal with it, and make it work.  

Post # 12
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

In real life, mostly they seem proud of Fiance and I.

On boards, I read a lot of comments about how I am too young, we’ll never last. Yeah. It’s annoying.

Post # 13
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Unfortunately, yes. When we got engaged, I too could probably count the “Congratulations” on one hand. Most of the comments we received were very negative and in my opinion, down right rude!  My family seemed to have the hardest time with it because “I had so much going for me”, I was attending college in Florida, working on getting accepted to nursing school, and Darling Husband just got orders to Kentucky. (We had already been together 4 years btw) We planned to get married 2 years later, when I was done with school. After some research, I got accepted into school in Kentucky and we got married so we didn’t have to be apart. Now, almost 2 years later, I am about to graduate (RN) and we are doing great even after his 1 year deployment to Afghanistan. Sure, I think things can sometimes be much harder for a military marriage. Being in a different state by myself for a year & going to school, with my family 12 hours away, was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. BUT its made me a better person. People are always going to give you their opinion whether you want it or not. Just ignore them 🙂

Post # 14
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

@lmurphy89: I’m in nursing school as well 🙂 Popular profession among military spouses!

Post # 15
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My Fiance isn’t in the military but he is in med school and I’ve gotten many many snarky comments. Random women have told me that he WILL cheat on me because all doctors cheat… These women have never even met my Fiance. Some people are just rude and feel the need to rain on other people’s parades.

Post # 16
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I get this all the time. I also get the “looks” and comments when people find out he is enlisted.

I am going to school to be a college professor and when people find that out they automatically judge because to them we are “educationally mismatched”. People have actually said that since I have an education and he doesn’t we shouldn’t be together. I get super pissed and want to punch them but so far I have kept my cool 🙂

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