- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2010
When I was younger I couldn’t wait to have a baby! I knew I wanted kids, I was just waiting for the perfect guy to come along.
Now I’m older and the perfect man has arrived. Buuuut, I find myself not really wanting kids anymore. Well I can’t say that I don’t want kids, I just don’t think they’re right for us right now. Sometimes I feel as if kids are never going to be right for us.
However, I often feel so pressured by a few different things. My grandparents are, and always have been, a huge part of my life. They have helped raised every single grandchild, myself included. Growing up I spent a great deal of time w/ them, went to their house every day after school until I was in 10th grade and they are just the center of our family unit. They are no spring chickens and I fear when it’s my time to have kids, my grandparents will no longer be around. I want my kids to know and enjoy my grandparents as much as I have. It breaks my heart to think my future children will not know one of the most important parts of our family history.
Fiance was born w/ a physical form of cerebral palsy. We’ve know each other 7 years & I can see the CP wearing him down more every year. I worry so much about him not being able to enjoy our children, and vice versa. I hate to think they will not know the fun-loving, spontaneous, active person I know him as. I hate to think that in 10 years he may be in a wheelchair. Also, Fiance is 8 years older than I am (I’m 26, he’s 34), and I hear the clock ticking. I don’t want him to be 50 with a 5 year old, I don’t feel that would be fair to him or the child.
My dad is forever telling my mother, in front of me, “We’re never going to have grandkids. They (FI & I) have their dogs & those are their kids…so we’re never getting any real grandchildren”. He says it jokingly, but I know in his heart of hearts he does mean it. He would love a grandbaby & I know he feels it’s about time for FI & me to start popping them out. My mother told me not too long ago that my dad feels he’s never going to live to see his grandkids. His father died young & he thinks the same will happen w/ him.
I worry about my ability to have children. I’m over-weight & don’t have periods regularly. Even when I was much thinner & had a regular cycle, we wouldn’t take precautions & nothing ever happened. We live together, and have for over 5 years, so I thought that at any given time we could’ve had a child. It never happened and I was okay w/ that. I still am, but I feel there are so many other things influencing my decision.
I know before we seriously consider having kids I need to lose the weight. Pregnancy will never happen if I don’t. I’m hoping by the time that happens I’ll be mentally & emotionally ready for a mini CaraMia. But what if I lose the weight & I’m still not ready? Fiance is ready, he’s on board for a little one. Why do I feel this way?? I feel guilty that everyone is ready for our kids but me.