(Closed) Does anyone else out there f’ed up soon to be in-laws?

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I see your points for sure, family is very important to me as well. 

However, don’t always think the grass is greener on the other side.  Here are a few other options with how his family could be.

1.  Right now they aren’t involved with you guys for whatever reasons, but maybe thats their style.  They at least stay away and keep quiet.  They don’t bug/pester you guys about your choices and actions.  They could be those scary inlaws you hear about all the time on here. 

2.  Say they were the perfect in-laws.  Now, every christmas you have to worry about not upseting your family or his family by picking a house to celebrate.  Mothers Days and Fathers Days are more complicated as well.  Hopefully you can make it work out in the end but I guarantee at some point, one family is going to be upset that you chose to celebrate with the other one. 

I think that his family is maybe just a bit different in their lifestyles.  As long as your husband supports you and how important your family is to you then your good.

Post # 4
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I don’t know that it is fair of you to judge your fiance on his parents crappy behavior. How is he with your family? How does he treat YOU? These are the things I would look at. The lawn and occasional spending spree is not what I would consider that big of a deal. However, if he doesn’t want to spend time with your family or treats you as an afterthought, well, that’s another story.

Post # 5
41 posts
  • Wedding: August 2010

I had the exact same concerns! I totally understand where your coming from. My FI’s family is just plain horrible. They’re completely selfish and don’t give a hoot about my FI’s well being. Not only that they always bash me. With that being said, I say as long as your Fiance and you are on the same side it shouldn’t be a deal breaker. 

Post # 8
3997 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Its unfortunate that the in-laws don’t value family the way that you do.  Its true that you don’t only marry the man but you marry the family.  In this case, it sounds like they don’t plan to come along as a package deal.  There probably won’t be many times where they have a family based event for you to attend.  That may take some time getting used to but there’s really nothing you guys can do beyond what you’ve already done.  In the end, you love your Fiance.  So to me it wouldn’t be worth re-thinking.  Just maybe try to come to terms with the fact that your support system will be your family alone.  At least you have a great one!

Post # 9
1675 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Have you discussed this with your fiance?  What does he think about his parents’ behavior and where they place family in terms of what they value? 

My Fiance comes from a really messed up family, and if I took his family as an example of how I thought he would treat his own future family, then there would be no way I would be marrying him.  *However*, I know that Fiance really truly wants a stable family.  He wants to have kids who he can support and nurture in a way that his parents never did.  I think he’s going to be a great dad and that he will always be there for me and our future kids, and that’s all that really matters.

Post # 10
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@Ms. Judder: Wow, it’s like you are describing me and my fiance! I’ve always hated the way his family is – no phone calls, no involvement, no cares. It’s soo weird to me (even after 8 years!) because my family and I talk almost everyday and know everything about each other. When my fiance moved to Milwaukee for school, his mother did not call him once to see how he was doing! Large family events are communicated through flickr, sadly enough. They don’t even bother to pick up the phone.  They have no involvement whatsoever in our wedding because they do not care and they are not paying a penny. I even worry that they may not think it’s important enough to show up!

I do worry how his family’s relationship affects ours. I’ve seen it. He runs away from controntation, doesn’t like to talk things through – much like the way his family is. I hope that our future children won’t have those same issues, but I know I will not let that happen. So it’s not a deal breaker for me.

You shouldn’t worry about it if your relationship with him is solid. Unhealthy family issues don’t have to be passed on and you can make sure it doesn’t! Good Luck! I know you’ll be fine 🙂

Post # 11
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

View original reply
@justeen:  I totally agree with what you said.  I have seen similar issues with Fiance that are definitely based in her family of origin, just like you mentioned.. running away from confrontation, communication problems, pretending everything is fine when its not, because she comes from a family where nothing was addressed, and expressing yourself was not encouraged, her opinion didn’t matter, and nothing was ever out in the open.

I, on the other hand, come from a very small but close, open, and VERBAL family.  Yes, even the yelling. 🙂  But things were never ignored or swept under the rug, they were hashed out and never left to fester.

We have been together 7 years now and it has caused problems but we are aware of the issues and working on all of it to improve which is what matters most I think.

FIs family is just weird and I too still have a problem understanding it (after 7 years) because I come from such a totally different background. My mom and I have a very stormy relationship but my FIs mom is so screwed up; we lived a  mile from her for over a year and she never made any contact with us until she needed something from us, like rides places because she had no car.  She never called for FIs b-day, sent a card, or anything.  Ignored the kids’ birthdays totally.  When our daughter was 2.5 she was KIDNAPPED by her bio father (long long story), FIs mom never once called to see how we were or how things were going or anything..  my mom was calling me daily asking about progress with the lawyers and police and so forth, and my mom isn’t even “okay” with our relationship (we are a same sex couple) but she was there and concerned and showed it!

Yet when we do see FIs mom from time to time (she works at the community college we both attend so its inevitable) she is all “Oh I love you honey!” and “I miss you” and acting interested in the kids. It’s nauseating.

This same woman also had her first 5 children taken by social service and never bothered to try and keep in touch (they were placed with their father) and my Fiance, being the youngest, never met any of her sibs or knew anything about them.. but her mom told her lies all her life about why they were not with her, said her ex took them and she’d been searching ever since, she didn’t find out the truth until she was grown and contacted them herself. Truth was, CPS took them because of her neglect and drug use and she knew where they were all along and just didn’t bother.  All of her older kids hate her and want nothing to do with her.

Her whole family on her mom’s side is like this.  Creepy-indifferent.  When her grandma and aunt lived here in our town we would see them from time to time and even get together for holidays, but when they moved out of state, they didn’t ever contact us and never even sent their new address/phone info.  They were gone for 2 years then came back here and never got in touch.. my Fiance just happened to find out via Facebook! They are totally “out of sight, out of mind” people and I just can’t grasp it.

All of this is just so different from how I was raised.  My grandma lived several states away when I was growing up but we talked on the phone all the time and she sent me “care packages” and I went to visit her every summer.  My mom (now) is really changed and has some serious issues… but I can’t imagine not talking to her and at least wanting to know she is okay and vice versa even though we fight a lot.  My brother and I talk on the phone every day, sometimes for a few hours, and he only lives 45 minutes away! 

Overall I am glad my FIs family isn’t coming to the wedding and she has realize that family is not about BLOOD but about creating your own family.  Because she never knew her father, she didn’t realize or find out until a few years ago that she has a very big family on that side that never knew where she was when she was growing up but ALWAYS wanted her to be part of their lives and she has connected with some of these family members, in particular her awesome and amazing aunt who is about our age, just a bit older, and who has embraced her wholeheartedly.. and her grandmother who cried when they first talked on the phone and talked about how she remembered her as a little girl and has longed to find her (FIs mom moved away from them without any further contact when Fiance was tiny)… so there is some good there, even if it took that long for Fiance to find it!


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