Post # 17
I feel resentful sometimes, like when I have had to work for an hour to get her to fall asleep and then DH and I try to cuddle and she wakes up at that exact moment, or how I never get to use two hands anymore. Then she flashes a smile or coos and I’m all lovey dovey again. It’s normal.
Post # 18
@BrandNewBride: This actually made me laugh out loud – thank you! I actually exclaimed the other day “I don’t know what you want!” and part of me actually expected him to answer.
I really appreciate all the encouragement, I knew it would be hard at times, but I guess I didn’t think about how lonely it would be home alone all day with a baby and a dog while the rest of the world goes about doing normal things. On the other hand, I’m terrified about going back to work and being up all night with a crying baby, but hopefully he’ll be sleeping better by then.
Post # 19
I think people throw around terms like ‘pnd’ or ‘baby blues’ too easily (in female orientated forums anyway, I’m aware it’s something that isn’t talked about enough in general society). It could simply be that parenthood isn’t something that you enjoy, or certain parts of it at least.
You change your baby’s filthy nappy because you love him and want him to be happy/healthy. You don’t have to enjoy doing it. Think of all the hundreds of other things you do to make other people happy or make their lives a bit smoother. I’ll bet most of those things are a damn sight more pleasant that cleaning up human excretions, and yet do you berate yourself if you feel a little bit peeved while you do them? I’d hope not.
Being frustrated by a noisy, smelly little creature who constantly demands your attention and expects you to be at his beck and call 24/7 and doesn’t let you have much freedom does NOT mean there’s something wrong with you! There is nothing wrong with you if you have to walk away sometimes! As long as you know you love your baby, then being frustrated (or even actively disliking them sometimes!) does not make you a bad person!
I’m not a parent (can you tell? haha), but everyone I know with kids has actively disliked their babies and small children at some point. If you need some time to yourself, then take it. Treat baby handling like any other difficult or frustrating task- if you feel yourself getting upset, angry or frustrated, walk away for a bit. Leave your baby to cry for a short while and calm yourself down. Then go back to it with a clear mind.
Post # 20
This all sounds totally normal. It actually sounds like you’re doing well – taking a shower when you just can’t handle it any more. It’ll get easier.
Post # 21
@DaneLady: You’re doing great. The fact you recognise that you want to throw him out the window rather than actually doing it makes you rationale, and normal. Hormonal, yes! A bad mother? No way.
He is an entirely selfish being right now, with no need other than survival. He doesn’t know you and you don’t know him…. yet. But both of you are learning, and you WILL get there.
Have you tried putting him in a sling and carrying him with you? Sometimes that helps. Also I’ve heard that cranial osteopathy can really help with very unsettled babies (not sure if you have those in the US, though surely you do)
Post # 22
This is the stuff they DON’T tell you in the baby books!
You’re in the trenches and you and your LO are both learning about life with a newborn and how to be a team and it is TOUGH. But it passes. And any minute now your little guy is going to smile at you with a big gummy grin and you’ll fall in love – I promise!
In the meantime you need to get some help from your “village”. Do you have family or friends that can come and hang with you or help you out for an hour or two everyday? Are you eating plenty of calories and keeping hydrated? Your body has been through a major trauma and it’s important that you look after yourself so you can recover and maintain your milk supply. Are you and LO able to get outside into the fresh air each day? It’s amazing what even a short walk can do for your spirits and your body! And lastly, make sure you speak to your OB / Midwife / Pedi about how your feeling so that you can access medical help if you need it.
Hang in there Mama, this too shall pass!
Post # 23
@ZoeyGirl: Well, you did the right thing by putting him down and taking a shower. I’ve been there and so have plenty of other mothers. I don’t know if I’d really count frustration as resentment. Frustration is a normal course of parenting. Motherhood can be really hard, you might start to forget who you are and what makes you happy. It’s understandable that there will be frustrating moments. I promise, once the baby gets a little bigger, starts learning new things you’ll feel more of a connection with him, settle into a routine and you will both learn things about each other that make the day go easier.
The only thing I can say about resentment is for you to please try and get over those feelings. My mother truly resented me and it seriously hurt me and our relationship. I don’t feel close with my mother at all because I remember how she made me feel all the way back to some of my first memories.
Post # 24
@ZoeyGirl: I am a man, and don’t have children, and, tend to be pretty judemental, if I’m honest with myself. Even from the outside looking in, I don’t think badly of you at all for this.
Once, a psychologist said the greatest thing to me: people think they want to be happy. There’s no “being happy” as a state of life. Happiness is happenstance.
Post # 25
@ZoeyGirl: unfortunately I’m told its normal. I wrote a lost about the same thing a couple weeks ago. My DS is 3 months an while it’s gotten a little bit easier (the smiles help), I still have occasional breakdowns. I cried just yesterday actually after a particularly bad night of sleep for the both of us and struggling all day to get him to nap. I tell people that it feels like a test I’m given every two hours (can i get him to sleep? will I make enough milk?) and I fail more often than I succeed. It’s really anxiety inducing and stressful. On days that I sleep better I’m able to handle it. On days that I don’t I kind of fall apart. I can’t wait to have more balance in my life when I return to work. I can’t wait to miss him!
Post # 26
@ZoeyGirl: Hang in there! I had a lot of the same feelings. I had grand visions of how my maternity leave would go – I’d skip around the neighborhood, wheeling my lovely babe in his stroller, and we’d sit on patios at cafes and enjoy the lovely summer weather.
No. Baby was decidedly unhappy about being OTW (outside the womb), so he was tense and screamy, oh and breastfeeding wasn’t going well. Gah. He didn’t want to snuggle and he just seemed unhappy all the time. I told my best friend I was afraid my baby was an asshole.
He’s nearly nine months old now, and he is SO FUN. He is this awesome little guy who is happy and wonderful and is busy trying to learn to walk. I can’t believe he’s the same kid. We just both had a rough adjustment period.
Here’s the thing: what you’re feeling is normal. You’re not going to ruin your relationship with your baby by acknowledging that this parenting thing (especially with a newborn!) is effing HARD. Talk about it. Vent. Get support, even if it’s through the interwebz.
And I’ll tell you what I didn’t believe when people told me: IT GETS BETTER.
Post # 27
Hang in there! I do not have any kids, but I have heard that pretty much everything with kids is a phase and sometimes you just need to remind yourself that this too will pass. Even though it is flu season, maybe you can still go for walks outside if it is not too cold or go to a public place but drape a light blanket over the carrier and if anyone asks to see the baby just say no? No idea if that will work, but perhaps it will at least help you get out a bit.
Post # 28
@ZoeyGirl: I felt so overwhelmed in the first month I was so scared i was going to fall into post-natal depression. Good news, it got better! Here I am now with my 4 month old angel and I couldn’t be happier! It was hard to adjust to being home all day (I was too sore to do much), but I wouldn’t change it now 🙂
EDIT: the soiling of nappies can get better! Although of course we can’t control if babies wee in between changes. I always get a new nappy ready and put it under him, so once I’ve wiped him I can quickly get the old nappy out and the new one on. I always deal with the soiled nappy after the new one is on 🙂
Post # 29
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, hun, but I am sure it’s very normal… I don’t have babies yet, but many of my friends do and from what I hear, they’ve all had times like that. Two of my friends just had their 2nd babies, and both were major screamers and my friends both (seperately) told me that they can understand now why some mothers shake their babies and they’ve had to walk away from their screaming babies or call their husbands home from work because they felt they were about to lose it.
I think it’s normal hun. It’s so great that you are openly acknowedging your feelings and I hope you can be this honest with whoever is in your support system at home – mom, Mother-In-Law, sister, etc – and that you talk to your doctor. Sometimes even just having them reassure you that it’s normal and will pass is a huge boost. I know when I was in therapy for a major anxiety break down that lasted weeks, just hearing my therapist say that my experience was normal and not uncommon helped me immensely
Post # 30
@ZoeyGirl: I don’t have children (but have MUCH younger siblings and watched my mum go through this) and all I can say is you are not alone! Keep your chin up and know it will get easier. And if you do need time to yourself, don’t feel bad about it! Happy mama means happy baby 🙂
Post # 31
Just wanted to say hang in there. Those first weeks are so hard! Going back to work saved me, sometimes being at home 24/7 isn’t the answer.