Post # 1
I’m a regular poster here but am posting under a different name due to the topic. My new husband and I fight a lot. It drives me nuts. I think perhaps we shouldn’t have got married. I don’t feel loved very much.
And don’t tell me we should go to counseling. We’ve already been there and done that. There are just core issues that we can never get around that it appears we are always going to fight about. I hate thinking that for the rest of our lives we are going to fight about these issues every time they arise throughout the year.
I’m tired of all of this. I don’t feel treated right and he doesn’t think I treat him right and I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m tired of pretending to everyone else that everything is A-OK and we are a happy newlywed couple. I could care less about going to see his family over Christmas, in fact I don’t want to see them and pretend that my new husband is the best thing on earth.
Anyone else feel this way ever? Or is this a sign that we are already doomed for divorce?
Post # 3
It’s hard to close the door on counseling 🙁 because for me, one of the biggest benefits of counseling was learning to fight well. It’s not about making all the issues go away, it’s about learning to live with them, through them, work around them – like fighting well.
I think you need to look carefully at why you got married, and what you’re fighting about, and weigh whether one is more valuable than the other, if you really don’t see any way to stop fighting.
Post # 4
I’m not married but I know how you feel about having issues you will always fight about. my SO and i are always fighting about his friends for over a year and three months now. they dont like me, i dont like them, therefore im not allowed to be with them, it’s a long story. i finally got so fed up that i set boundries that if broken i will think about leaving him because I deserve to be treated right. Our relationship is really good though, well, except for that part so I’m torn. i dont really know what to do about it yet, i dont want to leave him but i cant deal with the issues involving his friends weve been having. He says he will change though and as his girlfriend i must trust him and give him the chance, im sticking it out. whether you stick it out or not is a decision you must come to yourself, there will always be rough patches in relationships.
Post # 5
I’m sorry that you’re so unhappy. It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed. I don’t know what your particular problems are, but I do know that there are some things that drive me crazy about my husband. There are definitely some times where I want to scream “why do you think the rules apply to everybody but you?” but that’s not how I feel most of the time. What worries me is that you seem to be feeling this way all the time. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be, especially with the added stress of the holidays!
Post # 6
Are you doomed? No. But if you don’t want to get divorced you probably both need to make some serious changes. You both need to decide what is more important, staying married or winning whatever fight it is that you keep having. If staying married is more important (and hopefully it is), then you two need to just swallow your pride and learn to compromise and fight better.
Post # 7
((HUGS)) I am not married but when M and I first moved in together we fought ALL.THE.TIME. did you live together before you married? if not, perhaps you’re learning each other’s ways. now M and I rarely fight or when we do we just end up laughing at each other… i say give it a bit of time, it may be the adjustment
Post # 8
I agree with daydreamwanderer that learning to fight well is key. It is SO important. Has anything changed with marriage? Are these problems new now that you’re married? Has your husband changed since you got married? I agree with crebre80 that if you just moved in together, that can definitley create new stresses- learning eachothers living habits can be hard. Only you know what your problems are and if they can be fixed. But both you and your husband need to be willing to put in the time and the effort to save your relationship. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially with the holidays here. I wish you luck!
Post # 9
I’m sorry you are so unhappy. I second the other people’s idea about learning how to fight. Are the issues that you fight about really serious to your relationship or are they things that just come up over and over in an argument even though they are really worthless? It seems like you might be adjusting to the marriage, especially if you just moved in together. If you already went to counseling, did it help? If not, why did you go ahead with the marriage knowing that you had unresolved issues? I really hope that you two can spend some time working on things and improving your relationship.
Post # 10
i agree with the figuring out what battles to fight, and how to fight. that is something my fiance and i are just learning to do.
friends of mine that are married did counselling talked to many people and then they did the love dare book. its a 40 day challenge. check it out! its made a huge difference in their relationship.
my fiance and i have also watched the movie fireproof and have read the book that goes along with it and if this doesnt move your relationship i’d be shoked. it will shake things up for sure.
Post # 11
I’ll try not to make this too long, but I recently read some research on which marriages work and which don’t. They tracked couples over MANY years. One of the questions was what do you fight about? Well, both of the couples that eventually got divorced and the ones who stayed marriage–they all fought about the same things from the start. Now, that sounds depressing, but it really gives you hope! They said, sometimes it seems like you can be happier w/ someone else, but with each person comes a new set of issues that you “inherit”. Not that you can’t work on them, but it’s more that you accept that those are your hot spots…kind of like a lot of really people DO have bad things happen to them, they just decide to not let it make them unhappy.
Not that I’m all zen or anything, but this helps me when I’m nagging my hubby for the 100th time on something. Also, he does make improvements it’s just VERY slow compared to what we discuss and/or he agrees to make. Is it possible your hubby is making adjustments but they are just slower than you’d like? Maybe you need an interpreter to tell him things how guys need to hear it?
I really hope things get better. The holidays can be a very stressful time of year, but maybe you 2 can plan a short trip just the 2 of you. I think with all the work on the wedding, then many of us throw ourselves into “nesting” that we need some chill down just as a couple. And I know you tried counseling, but maybe that counselor wasn’t a good fit for you. When you find someone you like it can be something to look forward to.
Post # 12
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time 🙁 I think so often marriage is portrayed (in movies, books, on tv etc.) as being non-stop bliss and joyfulness…which it isn’t.
I’m not married yet, but The Guy and I have lived together for over three years and I can tell you the transition was certainly tricky, but over time things fell into place.
In preparing to get married, I read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. He’s a VERY reputable authority (researcher and professor) on marital success and is ridiculously accomplished when it comes to predicting whether or not couples will last/how they can address their issues. He also says that most marriage counsellors are operating on the wrong ideas…so he kind of turns the whole matter on its ear and takes a different approach.
One of the principles in the book discusses the difference between permanent and temporary problems. Basically he suggests that you will likely NEVER solve your permanent issues, but you can have a very happy and fulfilling marriage if you can learn to live with them/work around them. He offers really excellent solutions and advice in the book. I highly, highly recommend it.
Post # 13
Were you all having these problems before you got married? Or did they not start until after? Did you feel like you weren’t loved and not treated right before the marriage? I honestly can’t imagine getting married to someone if that’s the way I felt. I don’t really have any advice, but sending good thoughts your way. Hopefully you guys can figure out a solution. ((hugs))
Post # 14
i’m sorry you are so unhappy sweety….don’t rule out counseling and sit down and write down why you got married on one sheet of paper and on another write down why your so unhappy….see if there are any compromises that can be made.
Post # 15
I want to second hergreenapples recommendation for Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It’s the same research to which cannotwait was referring. If you haven’t read it, I think you should. Every couple fights, and you’re always going to have areas of contention, but your long-term happiness is directly related to how you deal with these issues.
Post # 16
I might suggest this. It helped so many friends of mine and it also led to one couple who are dear friends of ours, who actually DID divorce get remarried last year!
It’s called “His Needs/Her Needs” and its one book that helps couples learn about the other. And it’s by Dr. Harley.
I love Dr. Harley’s approach to marriage and also am a fan of his site. There is a board there, much like this one, where you can get advice based on the Marriagebuilder approach created by Dr. Harley.
It’s worth a try. Learn the marriagebuilder techniques. There’s also for serious help, a marriagebuilders weekend you both can attend together.
Seriously. Last year, because of Dr. Harleys’ books, the site, and some counseling help, my friends got remarried. They’re still married and doing good. And it was a miracle they could have ever gotten back together. Trust me it was against all odds. Nasty divorce, she had an affair, and more. But the marriagebuilder site and its principles work!