(Closed) Does anyone else think this is messed up? Or is it sweet?

posted 10 years ago in Proposals
Post # 3
4831 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think the couple should have had enough conversations for the guy to be confident the woman will say yes when he asks.

I think it is ok to not let on as to when he has the ring and when he’s going to propose. I think that vague/larger time frames are good to have, but it’s nice to have a bit of the surprise component on exact timing and method.

Post # 4
9869 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think there has to be discussions along the way about what each person is looking for and when there are actual expectations.  I told Fiance I wanted a spring 2013 wedding, and he agreed.  So we were both on the same page, and we had had many conversations about marriage and being together forever.  So I guess we did have equal say in the decision, even though the entire proposal was a surprise to me and I had no idea he had the ring!

Post # 5
2294 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Generally, I agree with you. It DOES seem kinda unfair that they guy gets all the “say” in the proposal department, traditionally speaking. I thought that way even as a little girl. I much prefer to be on the same page reguarding marriage, and to openly discuss intentions, that way one partner doesn’t feel strung along, anxious, or clueless. It also helps avoid being in a dead-end relationship where one partner wants marriage (or kids, whatever) and the other does not. Get your intentions out on the table. Altho I’m sure the dynamic isn’t the same across the board- some women probably LOVED that element of surprise when their man got down on one knee. Personally, I want to be in the know.

Post # 6
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If I were a guy I would not propose unless there had been talk of us being together forever LOL It must be scary to just propose off the cuff!

My Fiance and I had spoken about being together longterm for a number of reasons, mainly because he was going to be deployed so we talked about his return home and because I have a child from a previous relationship and I didn’t want her getting attached if we were not going to be long term. (he had met her as “friends” to make sure they vibed well, and so I could see how she felt around him before he was making regular apearances in her life) After those discussions, we pretty much knew we would be together forever, and planned on getting engaged and being married within the next 3 years, but I was TOTALLY oblivious as to when he bought my ring and when he was going to propose.

I like the idea of a traditional surprise, but not to the extent of not even seeing it coming!

Post # 7
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Personally, I am traditional in that sense (but also a sneeky, sneeky person!) My Fiance is CONVINCED that he suprised me for our big day, but in reality I knew he had the ring and he even let it slip when he was proposing by making a comment that he thought was offhand (but I knew!).

I love the secrecy of the proposal. I think the choice and options come when saying “yes” or “no”. I also think the woman has a right to propose as well.

Post # 8
7086 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I didn’t know I was getting a proposal, shoot, I was totally prepared for DH never to marry again after his divorce.  I would hope that that the guy would have had enough conversations with the gal that he would already know they are on the same page, and that doesn’t necessarily mean having a direct “marriage” conversation.  I would also think that couples that really believe they should discuss it will because I, again, would hope that they would be on the same page about how to approach major life issues.   In the end, both parties are involved, she can always say No.

Post # 10
7086 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@redheadem:  you have to remember that those are your life expectations and not everyone will share those. 

Post # 11
6586 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with OP.  I think I would be pissed if we had not come to this as an agreement together.

Post # 12
3292 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@redheadem:  I agree with you — this is probably the biggest decision of your life, and yet it’s got to be sprung on you in some sort of surprising and dramatic fashion? It just doesn’t make sense to me, intellectually, for the reasons you’ve said. But if you want the whole romantic fantasy, wel…that’s a different story!

Post # 13
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I just thought it was a given that as a relationship progressed the topic of marriage would be brought up as things became very serious between the two people.  I don’t see a man asking for a womans hand in marriage as taking the power away from the woman, on the contrary, the woman seems to have all the power to dictate whether or not the marriage will happen lol

Post # 14
496 posts
Helper bee

I totally agree with you. It actually really pissed me off that my boyfriend was like “Yes, I want to marry you. A proposal will happen. Just let me do it on my own time.” I was like “No! That is ridiculous! You just said you want to marry me, so let’s be engaged and we’ll plan a wedding!” Our relationship is totally 50/50 on everything else and so it didn’t sit right with me that for this one thing, I was supposed to wait around. He really wanted to propose though so I sucked it up as best I could cause I just love him to bits. The little bastard. Haha.

Post # 15
2268 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My rule of thumb for propsoals is the same as a lawyer–Don’t ask a question unless you already know the answer.

If a guy is at all unsure about the answer he’s going to get, then he shouldn’t ask and more discussion needs to take place.

I’m all for fun surprises if that’s your thing, but I agree that in this day, shot in the dark type of proposals are a tad insulting. Though I’m sure many people don’t feel that way.

I knew my DH was going to propose sometime. He was acting strange the day he did it and by the time it actual happened my answer came out as “of course!”, lol. Kind of like a ‘Get it over with already and stop torturing yourself’ 😀

Post # 16
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’ll be honest, my husbands proposal to me was a surprise and I’m glad I didn’t know anything about when he’d pop the question or pick out the ring or anything.  But I guess I’m just a traditional girl.  That said though, we had talked about marriage and were living together, so it wasn’t like he thought i’d say no.

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