Does anyone ever change their mind about having kids?

posted 7 months ago in Babies
Post # 31
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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peach11 :  your last post sounded like me a year ago.

I would try and embrace the uncertainty for now, carry on enjoying your life and career and husband and reevaluate because you do have some time to think about it. 

This is my situation, which may or may not be helpful at all! 

I’ve been with my husband for 11 years and he was always happy if I did or didn’t want kids either way. I didn’t want kids until around a year ago. Not sure why, just never felt maternal etc. 

Something changed in me and I’m not entirely sure what it was. (It may have been the same thing that triggered me to change career paths, which was my dad’s cancer diagnosis) I started to consider it was maybe something I could get on board with. 

My DH at this point was very very broody and wanted to start trying. “Luckily” we didn’t get pregnant for quite some time as I think really I wasn’t actually 100% sure when we started, and it was only when it was taking a 7, 8, 9 months that I started really really wanting it. 

I’m now pregnant with our first, and while it’s still very early, I feel happy. We’ve got a lot of rearranging of plans for next year, since we booked some “fuck it” trips we now won’t be able to go on, but I actually don’t care. 

Post # 32
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

I decided as a teenager I didn’t want children. As I was getting closer to 30, I started to panic. Not because I wanted them, but because I felt that was the next step in life. Once it dawned on me that I didn’t have to have them I felt utter relief. I’m getting closer to 40 now, the older I get the more adamant I am about not having them. My husband was on the fence, I told him we have to break up if  he wants kids. He said he didn’t want them. Now our friends have them, we are just so happy we don’t have them. We may adopt in the future, because we think it would be nice to help a child that needs a family, but I love out relationship with just the two of us. I would hate to spend less time with my husband, because we are already busy as it is.

Post # 33
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

People change their minds all the time, and that’s okay. I know a few people who very much never wanted children, now have them, and absolutely adore parenthood. I also know a couple of people who always wanted kids, hit their late twenties, and said “nope, I’m going to be CFBC.” 

I empathize with fence sitters, because I know how anxiety-inducing it is to not be able to make a major decision. I’m sure it’s a million times more stressful when you’re BOTH fence-sitters. My husband is a person who could have been pretty easily talked out of kids if he’d married someone who didn’t want them, but since having kids is a non-negotiable for me, he’s happy to come down on this side of the fence too. 

At the end of the day, you have to leap down on one side or the other, and it’s a gamble no matter which way you land. Life is hard on any path, and we don’t know the obstacles that lay ahead. Look ahead to the future…do you see your life with kids/grandkids? Would you be happy without a bigger family? I know that people love to say that there’s no guarantee that your kids will stick around in their adulthood, but hey, the chances of that life are far more than the 0% without kids. If you envision yourself at retirement age and you’d be happy with a CFBC life (travels, hobbies, friends), then there’s your answer. 

Post # 34
Member
9766 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Dh and I were both fence-sitters. I have never had that maternal urge, never felt the “clock ticking,” or felt it was my purpose in life to be a mother or anything like that. For me it was more of “how do I want my life to be in 10, 20, 30 years.” Of course there is no guarantee that your children will be close when you get older, but thinking of the future and it just being the two of us…forever…was a little lonely IMO. 

And kids don’t stay little forever. Sure, the baby and toddler ages are rough. But my daughter is 4 now and really coming into being her own little person, and I love that. Of course it’s hard at times but I wouldn’t change our little family for anything.

Post # 35
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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peach11 :  If you’re not 100% all-in and sure you want them, I think that’s a “no”, Bee. 

I was in the same position, and what tipped it toward a solid “no kids” answer for my fiancé and I was the realization that we couldn’t honestly say we wanted kids. While we had no doubt we’d be great parents, we like our life as-is, and kids would be an interruption more than a desirable change. 

Post # 37
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I also struggle with this, and it gives me anxiety. I am 33, husband is 37. Married 6 years. I irrationally find myself worrying there’s something wrong with me for not knowing what I want. I’m a grown up lady and should know. I feel torn between being very happy just the two of us for now, but feeling like time is of the essence. 

Not to threadjack, but if you other bees made up your minds, could you share an age? I know wer’re all different but I would be interested to know. thanks!

Post # 38
Member
9766 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

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Stiletto13 :  We started TTC when I was 31, DH was 35. I am currently pregnant with our second (hopefully, I’ve had a few miscarriages) and am 36 now.

I mean I think it’s normal to feel some trepidation. It’s a huge decision that you can’t take back.

Post # 39
Member
2832 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve known since before puberty thatI didn’t want kids.  (and now I’m in my mid-40s. Ha! Take that, every single person who has told me my entire life that “You’ll change your mind when you grow up!”)..  I have 4 siblings and I’m the oldest girl, so I spent a good part of my childhood/teen years helping to raise a family.  Doing the laundry, making everyone’s brown-bag lunches once I was 10, responsible for dinner once I was about 14, bathing younger siblings, diaper duty, helping with homework, lots and lots of unpaid babysitting.  I realize it’s not the same thing as being a parent, but from puberty, I had a pretty good idea of the unglamorous aspects involved with having a family!

My spouse is more of a fence sitter. Not broody but definitely occasionally thinks it might be nice. My spouse also tends to romanticize and focus on the happy, cute, cuddly moments and doesn’t think about the actual work, sleep deprivation, and respopnsibilities of having them.

I’m involved in several childfree communities, both online and IRL.  In my experience, the people who are fence-sitters tend to be people who grew up assuming they’d have kids because it’s expected.  It’s hard to come to terms with 20+ years of that kind of social conditioning.

Post # 41
Member
1540 posts
Bumble bee

I always thought I would not have kids. While I like kids, I don’t know if I loved them, especially seeing some out there that are completely out of control and made me feel like I wanted to get my tubes tied, stat!  LOL.  When I was younger, I dreamed of finding the right guy and getting married and having a great career, etc., but I never dreamed of being a mother. I never longed to have kids and start a family. That “your biological clock is ticking” advice was always wasted on me.  I never had that yearning inside of me and I was never ready.  I loved my independence and freedom and I thought that’s how I would always feel.  But then I met my husband, fell in love, got married…and I started to wonder if I would ever look back with regrets if I didn’t have a child with him. I told myself, “I’m with the person I love most in the world, we’re happy, we’re secure, we’re financially stable, he loves kids and will be a great dad…why wouldn’t I?”  He was the ONLY person who made me feel this way – none of my exes ever made me feel like I wanted to procreate and take on that kind of responsibility.  It took me a long time to get to that point but I had to be absolutely sure because I knew if I wanted to have a baby, there was no turning back once they’re there.  And believe me, I did wonder “what am I getting myself into?” while I was pregnant, but I was also very happy, very excited, and knew I’d do the best I could to be there for my child.  Now I can’t imagine my life without her at all and I wonder where she’s been all my life.  So yah, if you were meant to have kids, you will know when the time comes and you’re ready to take it on. My time came later but it was a good time for me and I was finally ready.

Post # 42
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

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peach11 :  Thank you for posting this… OP I completely identify with the feeling of wavering between not wanting kids and kind of wondering what that’s all about. If I’m honest, if I never had kids, I wouldn’t feel like I was really missing out on something huge. But on the other hand if I did get pregnant, it would not be the end of the world and I would absolutely be all about it and want to be the best mom possible. I know my husband would make a great dad too. But neither of us is trying to make that happen though lol… I guess I’m just kid-ambivalent. Husband is firmly “no” but I know that in his heart of hearts, if I got pregnant he’d be very supportive. I think the only way we’d ever have kids is if it was an “oopsie” situation but we would definitely be OK with it. 

Post # 43
Member
535 posts
Busy bee

I disagree with the idea that you should only have kids if youre 100% completely absolutely positive you want to have them. Some people just aren’t wired that way. Besides, I don’t see how anyone can be 100% sure they want kids since you don’t know what it will be like until you actually have them. It’s an unknown, and it’s scary, but being unsure doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have them.

your still young, I would suggest taking a break from even thinking about kids for a couple years.

Post # 44
Member
9766 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

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peach11 :  We were definitely not in the “hell yes” category. Way too nervous for that lol. More like, this definitely feels like the next step for our family but holy shit is it scary. I mean it’s hard to be 110% all-in on something when you have no experience doing it. Neither of us had even changed a diaper before we had a kid lol.

Post # 45
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

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wonderwedding :  Yessss. It’s such a weird double standard, like when people tell you if you have any doubts whatsoever about marriage it means that you shouldnt get married. Lol no, being married teaches you how to be married. Maybe in the same way, being a parent teaches you how to parent. 

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