Does anyone ever change their mind about having kids?

posted 7 months ago in Babies
Post # 46
Member
3833 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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wonderwedding :  I appreciate this comment a lot. I’m pretty neurotic about every decision I make (yeah… I need help). I felt sick for a week when deciding whether to purchase our house, even though I knew I’d looked at loads and it was by far my favourite in our price range! So I can’t imagine deciding about kids will be any easier. I tend to think in terms of making the ‘correct’ choice but your comment reminded me that it’s not about ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ options, it’s just different paths. They can both be good. 

Post # 47
Member
539 posts
Busy bee

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nonablu :  I hear you. I’m always re-thinking and second guessing myself. I can talk myself out of anything, if I waited until I was 100% sure to make a decision I’d never get anywhere! 

Post # 48
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

I struggle with the same. I have a great mom and I’d love to pass the parenting she gave me on. But I’ve never seen being a mother in my future.  If I’m old and alone, that doesn’t bother or scare me.  If I never get to 100% of me wanting a child, I won’t have one. 
When I saw a video of childbirth recently, I was mortified.  It disturbs me greatly.  Someone said oh but it’s all worth it! And then I realized it freaks me out so much because having a baby isn’t reward enough for me to go through it.

Post # 49
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2021 - City, State

I used to want kids when I was younger, but then when I was around 21, I had a couple really bad bipolar episodes and my ability to handle stress greatly diminished to the point I wasn’t sure that I could handle raising children. I have a hard time maintaining a traditional full time job as well as a result of this and I would much rather work than be a Stay-At-Home Mom (which I don’t think I could even do anyways because my fiance is on disability due to his autism and is unable to work full time to support a family) but my mental illness worsening really made me change my mind about kids. I was really concerned my now-fiance would leave me for that decision, but after going through those dark times, he realizes it is important for me to be healthy.

Sometimes I still feel like I am a failure for not having kids because not having kids is kind of the default option when you are disabled, but I just can’t bring myself to face the challenges I would have as a disabled parent.

Post # 50
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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peach11 :  

Honestly, I think building strong peer relationships later in life is a far better bet than relying on kids for companionship.

If you check out senior communities like any of the Del Webb Sun Cities, there is a lot of social stuff going on.  People bond.  And in that age group, they tend to stay in one place longer than younger people.  There is a lot more partying going on in senior communities than you might think.

Statistically, we are likely to outlive our male partners, although that is changing.  Again, strong peer relationships matter.

When I worked in the nursing homes, the overwhelming majority of the residents were lucky to get a card or a call on major holidays.  I worked in the bottom end facilities and the most upscale—no difference.

Niles said it best on “Frasier”:  “We care so you don’t have to”.

Post # 51
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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ladyspectrum :  

Oh, Bee.  I would never consider you a failure for not having kids.  It takes real courage to face reality and to have enough love in your heart to make such a selfless decision. I wish more people had the character to do that.

Post # 52
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

When I was 27 I figured I would never get married let alone have kids. Now I am 30, about to turn 31, married for almost 5 months and 4 weeks pregnant. 

What changed my mind? I have had LOADS of fun up until now. Financially stable. My job is very chill. And I WANT something to hold me down and shape me up further. Also my childhood totally sucked (all forms of abuse) and I would love to give someone something I never had. I want to learn from being a parent. And I may not know WHAT to do as a parent but I for sure know what NOT to do. 

It is cool to me if you don’t want kids. You just don’t want them and thats fine! I just don’t think saying that not having kids means a life full of money and freedom. You don’t need to justify your choice… because honestly if anyone has enough money you can do the same as a parent/nonparent in my opinion. It just all depends on each persons’ or couples’ situation (support systems, finances, etc). Why for me at 30 going on 31 I am pretty carefree about being pregnant. 

Post # 53
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2021 - City, State

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sassy411 :  I know, but I feel like I am admitting defeat to my disabled self or something. Plus, I hate how eugenics-y it feels like.

Post # 54
Member
879 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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peach11 :  This may be a little long but I want to give you all the information I think might help you. I understand how you feel and I feel similarly as in if we don’t conceive naturally, we aren’t going to be trying any interventions like IVF, etc and will assume that maybe a child free life is what we’re meant to have. But we will both definitely be disappointed about it! I also worry about the kid growing up to be a bad person but I feel like that is a rare case scenario and the risk of it happening is low enough to be worth it! 

I have always loved babies and have wanted to have a kid ever since I was a kid myself when I had no idea about the actual work involved in raising a kid. I was always nervous and anxious when I thought of having kids with some of my ex boyfriends but I don’t feel the same way with my current partner and a couple of other exes. So I’ve noticed my negative feelings fluctuate based on two major factors:

– The person I’m with and how well I think they can take care of our kid

– My job (how time consuming / stressful / flexible it is)

 

Even after I met my current partner, we went back and forth a lot on. 0 vs. 1 vs. 2 kids. We have finally settled on 1 kid for now and maybe another 1 later depending on how the first kid is, financial circumstances, etc. We (mostly me) were on the fence when we decided but the time we have spent waiting to get married before TTC has made us more and more sure about our decision. We just bought a house and both of us are in a good place with our careers. Also, seeing everyone else around us (especially his sibling) having a baby has solidified the decision more. We also babysat our friend’s kids which made us realize we’re more in the 1 kid camp vs. 2 kids.

If we think of life without ever having kids, SO is okay with that but I feel like it would be a very lonely life. I’ve already started feeling that way and can’t wait to have our kid. We also have two cats that we love and adore.. They sometimes annoy us or make messes and we do get annoyed with them but we are fine dealing with it because the positives outweigh the negatives. We consider it a “labor of love” and that’s how we’d feel with our kid too.

For reference, I’m 30 and SO is 28. We’ve both had a lot of fun and adventures in our life and have traveled quite a bit. We’re ready for all the sacrifices that come with having a kid. 

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