Post # 1
I NEVER considered changing my last name after marriage. Not before I met Darling Husband, not while we were dating, engaged and not when we were getting married. I always proudly stated that I would only change it if he agreed to change his name as well so we could make a new name together. Part of this stance was because I’m really close to my family and didn’t want to lose the name and part of it was about equality and not wanting to feel like his property, (the reason the whole practice of name changing started).
Well, we’ve been married now for just under 6 months and I find myself actually considering changing my name to his. Part of it is for simplicity. I’ve had to “prove” that we’re married multiple times now in the short 6 months, (at the bank, when buying a house, etc). The other part of it is I think we will appear more married to the world, (does that even make sense). Right now we have different names on our checks, bills, everything and just looking at it doesn’t scream, husband and wife or family and that sort of bothers me.
Darling Husband has made it clear that he will not change his name under any circumstances but he has also never pressured me to change mine. But now I feel SOOO guilty for even considering it. Like I’m letting go of so many things that I believe and stand for.
Anyone else feel this way or am I just totally weird?
Post # 3
Sounds like a lot of your reasons are “feminist” reasons (I put that in quotes cause there’s many definitions of the feminist movement) but I really believe that what we should stand for is the right to choose, not that you must keep your name to be equal and not chattel, you know? I’m just happy that it is a choice in this day and age and not always an expectation. I spend half my life championing women as equals (my poor FB friends are probably sick of the pseudo-feminist articles I post with commentary a couple times a week haha) but I never let myself feel bad for changing my last name to my husbands’. It’s easier, it’s a show of unity (to me), and it’s in no way going back on your principles unless you just REALLY believe that your calling is to keep your last name. And it doesn’t seem like it is! So just take the time to figure out what you want to do and do it – whatever it takes to be completely good with your decision. Cause really, how does your last name affect others? It just affects you and it should be fine either way.
Post # 4
@MrsWrangler: DITTO! I’m all about the right to CHOOSE!
Post # 5
If you think about it, there is a draw back either way…if you change it then you are “anti-feminist,” but if you don’t then you’ll have people questioning your commitment – so you have to forget what the rest of the world thinks, and just go with what is right for you. I am certainly changing my last name once I’m married, and I honestly never thought I’d be comfortable doing so as well. I defined myself by my name for my entire life – but I learned a lot from my Fiance and his family, and I’m very proud I’ll be able to really be part of their amazing family. I completly understand people who want to keep their last name, but I don’t feel like their should be any shame in accepting you partner’s name as your own (that does go both ways though).
Post # 6
@MrsWrangler: That was a GREAT post
Post # 7
You have no idea how many times I have had to defend myself for CHANGING my name. In my circle, it’s very rare, and everybody looked at me as though I have betrayed some fundamental principles. Heck, even my husband’s parents asked me if I was sure. And no, it’s not cultural – it’s just a very gender-equality conscious crowd.
At the end of the day, I changed my name because I wanted to. It’s as simple as that. I like his name, and I like the convenience of it. He has never asked me to – I made that decision all on my own. It’s MY name – why the heck shouldn’t I be able to do so? I should be able to call myself any crazy ass names I want!
But I do know what you mean about the guilt. There are plenty of others around me feeling it FOR me.
Post # 8
I don’t think you should feel guilty about wanting to seem more united with your husband! 🙂
Post # 9
@Meowkers: I feel the same way at times. I am the last “T” in my immediate family. My uncle, who would’ve carried the name, died in 89 at the age of 15. I felt that I should be the one to at least carry it on for him. Unfortunately, I want to be known as Desiree “H”. I’m very traditional. I thought about dropping my middle and making my current last name the middle. It’s too much though.
That being said, Fiance did something truly amazing for me and my grandparents. He named his plumbing business “T” Plumbing and Heating. We are really grateful for that.
Post # 10
You shouldn’t feel guilty about it at all its your life its your name. Im haveing this issue too. My mother kept her madian name which I have, as did my sister when she got married in 2005. And to top it off my younger sister is acting all offened that I wanna change my last name when I get married. But it means alot to ME that I am changing my last name.
Post # 11
My dad gave me a small guilt trip about changing my last name…but that’s a whole different kind of guilt!
Post # 12
My Fiance mother took her last name and made it her middle…I can sympathaize with how you feel!
Post # 13
@Rouquine: Oh, that is so sweet of your FI! Such a thoughtful gift to you and your family.
Post # 14
@Miss Orchard: This is what I’m thinking of doing. My middle name is very generic anyway. I’m not really attached to it.
Post # 15
@MrsJazzy: Well thank you 🙂
Post # 16
I’ve read about many wedding traditions that many bees are not following because of the meaning it had decades and some cases centuries ago. I’m kinda left thinking “huh”? Do they know what marriage itself signified?? Anyway, for either choice you make about your last name Id give you the same advice: Do what you want!!