(Closed) Does anyone feel like their relationship is judged bc they don't have a ring?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
576 posts
Busy bee

The whole aunt thing probably also depends on where you live and the circles you run in I think. Growing up, anyone who substantially cared for and was invested in our family’s well being were termed aunts and uncles(friends and older cousins removed or whatever distant faint relation), as well as related by blood/marriage aunts/uncles. 

My best advice is to just be confident in your relationship and have open communication with your SO so you know you are on the same page. People talk and people judge, it’s a very human nature thing to do. Even after you’re engaged and married, people will find reasons and ways to judge and rank your relationship, whether over your finances or children/parenting style or your job or whatever. So establishing a thick skin and confident manner now will help you later in life and aid in keeping outside sources from tearing you down to make you feel insecure. 

Post # 18
Member
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

You seem hell-bent on being offending by this, but harborig this resentment will do no favors in having a good relationship with his brother and wife. They probably don’t mean it to upset you. As you can see by the majority consensus here, you are not technically their aunt until you are married. It doesn’t make your relationships with your SO and his family any less valid. It just means you haven’t met the requirements (i.e. being his wife) to be called an aunt. It’s like insisting people call you  ‘Doctor [Last Name]’ because you’re an undergrad majoring in pre-med. You’re on your path to becoming one, but you haven’t met the requirements to earn that title yet. 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by  MrsYokiman.
Post # 21
Member
576 posts
Busy bee

I wouldn’t say them not giving you a title means you’re not important to them. You can’t know that, especially without having a frank conversation with them. There are a number of reasons, both good and bad, that could be behind their thinking. 

Post # 22
Member
2873 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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ellagrace: I don’t know your age / backgound, but there’s lots of different gems (Kate rocks Di’s old sapphire) for an e-ring and a courthouse wedding is not expensive. 

My sister got married for $150. They got rings from a pawnshop and the marriage license for ~$100. Her husband became my brother as soon as I heard the news. You don’t need a lot of $ to be married. 

If you want a wedding and a diamond, that might take time. It’s a matter of priorities and what you want. Focus on your priorities and working towards them, together with your FFI.

Post # 23
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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ellagrace:  i hear you. DH and i were together for 7 years before tieing the knot. But i wouldnt have my children call anyone who wasnt married to a family member an aunt. just saying. i personally felt unconfirtable being called a daughter in law when we wornt even engaged. DHs parents did this for a while and it make things ackward. people started asking me when the day was and oh i didnt know you were married or engaged. and i would have to tell them in front of everyone yeah we are not… your “SIL” should be more welcoming though. at least let the kids know your name. she is prob just jealous. thats what happens. or at least it did with my BILs wife. people start to compete… esp woman. esp if you are more independant then her, which also happened with my SIL. but i dont feel you are apart of the family until you are offitially married. and i certainly felt that way in my relationship of 7 years. 

Post # 25
Member
2873 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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ellagrace:  I feel you on family differences. I’m working through a lot of different things with my FIL’s because they expect a certain level of closeness I don’t even have with my own family. For example, my Future Mother-In-Law wants my phone number, email address, work email, work address, LinkedIn, Facebook, etc. and weekly calls. My dad only has my phone number and email address, and we only talk on Father’s Day, his birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

It makes me really uncomfortable and things get awkward because she gets so hurt and I get resentful because I don’t even do that for my parents. 

Anyhow, you guys sound like you have a plan. Focus on the people who are positive and encouraging and everything else will sort itself out or just be what it is!

 

Post # 26
Member
6338 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

I don’t recall going through that with DH’s family (and we lived together for a long time before getting married) but I’m not one to try too hard to be accepted either, nor do I care if my name is not included in a card or if I’m not called a tittle.  I just don’t care.  My SIL’s children have never called me aunt, but we developed a loving relationship, which is what matters.  When I started interacting with his family I just let everything flow and pieces fell into place without me or SO makng it a point of me being accepted.  We were serious about our relationship and focused in each other most of the time; the rest came along by itself.

Post # 27
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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ellagrace:  The official ring and title mean a lot to some people because it IS a big deal!  If it wasn’t, people would get married and divorced all the time!  You may be someone’s long term girlfriend, but it does not hold the same weight as being someone’s wife.

My cousin has had a long term boyfriend for around 15 years.  They have no intentions on getting married.  Her sisters and brothers kids do not refer to him as “uncle” – he’s just “Joe” (his first name).  He’s fine with that.  All the kids know they’re not married and none are quite old enough to be asking for more of an explanation than that.

That’s great that your boyfriend’s mom loves you and refers to you as her other daughter.  I think your expectations from the rest of his family are way too high.  Unfortunately until you are married, you are “just” the girlfriend.  It doesn’t mean you’re a “lowly” girlfriend as you put it, but you haven’t “earned” the right to the other titles or perks that go along with being someone’s spouse.

Post # 29
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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ellagrace:  Some may see your relationship as not as important because you don’t have an official title.  Sad but true.

Look at it this way, if someone is in a commited relationship, but hasn’t made the official commitment like getting married, it is much easier to leave or break it off, than someone married.  You (in general) have the ability to leave because of the lack of commitment. Maybe his family doesn’t want to have that emotional attachment to you because that ability exists.

That’s not to say someone married can’t leave, but obviously legally it’s much harder.

This is how my extended family has treated my cousin’s boyfriend.  After 15 years they’ve become more accepting of him but are always an armslength away because they don’t have that commitment.

Post # 30
Member
505 posts
Busy bee

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ellagrace:  if he plans to Marry you, you can be engaged without a ring for now. A ring shouldn’t stop you and he from the title of fiance if you both plan on spending your lives together. Maybe if you explain how u feel to ur bf and explain I don’t need a ring right now and that you feel the title will make them accept you more them maybe that’s a option. I just got my ring two weeks ago, but we’ve been engaged since sept. Hope this helps hun. In sorry for your situation

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