(Closed) Does anyone feel like their relationship is judged bc they don't have a ring?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Should they tell their kids your name?  Yes.  Should they call you aunt?  Nope. Your relationship with your SO and whether/when you get married is none of their business, however you are not the kids aunt whether you live with their uncle or not.  I never address cards to two people that do not have the same last name.  It’s just easier not to look up someone’s last name.

Post # 32
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Also my neice and nephew are at my fiancé’s house at least 3 days a week (I watch them

while my sister works).  We have lived together for a couple of years.  The kids will call him uncle AFTER we get married.  I would never ask them to call him something he isn’t.  Also, it is extremely disrespectful for you and your so to be calling you aunt against the parents wishes.  It sounds like you are being disrespctful not that you are being disrespected.

Post # 33
Member
1926 posts
Buzzing bee

I work with a lot of women that are engaged and when they find out I’m not, I can definitely tell that they’re judging me based on that. However, I personally feel inadequate without that official engagement ring- I’m “just” the girlfriend. I’m disposable, like it or not, and I feel like our relationship isn’t taken seriously. 

Post # 34
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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ButterflyButterfly:  That’s funny cause i actually think staying in a long-term relationship without a contract can take more trust and commitment. The marriage license is a contract and is really for the government/census purposes. If you have a relationship and a marriage that are of equal duration and intensity, the marriage doesn’t “win” because that couple chose the traditional route. The obvious parallel is gay couples that can’t get married legally but are married in a social/spiritual way. Thats why common law marriage exists; there is the assumption that after a certain point, you are life partners…this is also why women shouldn’t wait on guys to “grant” them the roll of wife. i like planning but i may not get married, but id say my 7-year relationship looks more like a marriage than many official marriages.

Post # 35
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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Syzygy88:  I think there’s a major difference here. 

Someone who isn’t waiting to get married or doesn’t even want to be married probably doesn’t care about the titles or any of the “aunt/uncle” stuff. It’s different for them. OP wants the titles, and wants the “specialness” that comes with becoming a wife, but she wants it now instead of waiting.

I get what you’re saying, and I do agree that a lot of people’s relationships look more like marriage to them than others, but I would definitely not go so far as to say those who choose not to marry have more trust and commitment in each other than married couples do. That’s just ridiculous.<br /><br /><br />OP — this may sound mean, and I apologize – but have you considered the fact that his family may just not like you much? It could also be that they don’t want to be overly attached, because you never know what might happen and it’s easier not to call you an aunt now and get attached if something else happens down the line and turns out that you don’t get married after all. 

Post # 37
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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ellagrace: You can’t have it both ways, either marriage is important because it shows an even deeper level of commitment and makes you officially part of someone’s family OR living together for X years is equal to marriage and all the family requirements that go with it in which case, why marry? 

The problem is, who is to decide how many years of living together is “equal” to marriage?

At the end of the day that’s just not how our current society works, it doesn’t matter how long you have been together, if you get married then you are officially part of someone’s family. You are called Aunt, daughter-in-law, niece, sister-in-law. Until then you are the girlfriend because that’s what you are, until engagement when you become a fiancé and finally a wife. Those are very important steps to go through. If they weren’t important, people wouldn’t get married! You want to get married so you obviously think marriage is important, don’t try and attain all the benefits of marriage before it actually happens. Getting married is a special thing and the more you take marriage “perks” and give them to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, the less special marriage becomes. 

The Christmas card thing is just extremely bad etiquette on her behalf. Even if she holds the view that only family units should receive a card and, given that you want to get married (and haven’t declared that you will not marry and that you two will be life partners, which WOULD make you a family unit) you are two separate entities living under the one roof. So technically you should receive two separate Christmas cards (if she wants to be pedantic about family units). The same as how an 18 year old (an adult) should recieve a separate invitation to a wedding even if they live with their parents and their parents also receive an invitation. 

Post # 38
Member
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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ellagrace:  I have to be honest, I’m really shocked at the responses you’re getting here. Is there any way you may be overly sensistive because you have felt this way for awhile or are eager to marry the man you love? Sure, that could be part of it. Is it acceptable for them to make you feel like “just” the girlfriend (what the hell does that even mean?) who doesn’t really matter all that much. Hell no it isn’t. I’m sorry, but I guess I see being committed as the most important thing, and that can occur with or without marriage. Yes, I am married now, but my DH and I were together for 4.5 years before that occurred. He wasn’t “just” my boyfriend…he was my partner. Would you call someone who has been with their partner for 20+ years, but never married for whatever reason, “just their bf/gf”? Sounds very pretentious to me. Being married doesn’t make your relationship better than someone’s who is not married, especially when there are people who take marriage so lightly these days.

As for the being called an aunt thing, I do agree with PPs that it’s totally dependent on the family. My DH and I were together for 8ish months when my niece was born. He has always been “Uncle” to her, even then. He was it for me…the love of my life. Even if marriage hadn’t been important to either of us, he would still be her uncle. Other families may not feel that way and that’s okay. Just focus on being a rockin “aunt”-ish figure to them.

Post # 39
Member
505 posts
Busy bee

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KatiePi:   best advice and we’ll put out of any other here so far. I think she feels this way because part of his family DOES CONSIDER AND TITLE her as their family so the fact that some dint naturally hurts. It is however yo toeach person. But they should at least address you on cards and such by your name and include you. That’s rrude. 

Post # 42
Member
505 posts
Busy bee

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ellagrace:   that’s why I explained earlier since you seemed to already be planning with you so to marry and he’s waiting on financial situation for a actual ring your planning though a engagement is the time spent planning the wedding, your already doing this to a extent. Again I suggest you talk to so about exactly how you feel and y exactly you feel these ways. Then I suggest asking if you both agree to present yourself as engaged since by all means it seems you are minus the ring. I just got a ring 2wks ago, but we’ve been officially engaged since Sept, presented ourselves as such abd were accepted as such by everyone. The rings just a symbol of the commitment it’s not the actual commitment.

Post # 43
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2013

This happened to me, too.

My partner and I were together for ten years. We shared a home, bank accounts, a life – we were partners in every way. Neither of us wanted to go through the whole “wedding thing”, and we had made a committment both to each other and to everyone who would listen. We were committed to each other for life.

His parents and extended family embraced this. My parents did not. It hurt. It hurt so much that, even after ten years, even after being there for each other through some really awful times, he was still “just the boyfriend”.

I could have picked someone up, dated him for a month, thrown a big church wedding, and he would be my til-death-do-us-part husband. But my partner, who would tell anyone who asked that we were partners for life, the end, “didn’t count”.

Acquantainces would look at me like there was something wrong with me. Ten years? Really? There would be thoughtless remarks (“Oh, he must be divorced.” “Oh, are you waiting for something better?”).

Finally, we got sick and tired of not being “enough”. We had a tiny legal ceremony in our apartment, and didn’t invite our parents. We’re married now, “for real”. We even wear wedding rings. People are nicer to us. But it feels like such a sell-out. We choose to celebrate our anniversary as we always did, on the day we found each other, not on the day we were legally married. The legal part was for the rest of the world. The partnership is for us.

Post # 44
Member
505 posts
Busy bee

Well put 

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tofupup:   While I believe in marriage and am engaged, I believe the paper and what not are just legal aspects. The actions, commitment, love, effort and how you conduct yourself is what really matters. Anyone can get married and have a piece of paper. But it’s the things you actually do in the relationship that makes you life partners

Post # 45
Member
1143 posts
Bumble bee

yes, yes, yes. I have had people ask me why he’s waiting so long, do I think he doesn’t want to propose, is he too comfortable, etc. I’ve heard SO call me his fiance, he’s even done it on job interviews because as he puts it, fiance sounds better, more established. He even put me as his “domestic partner” on our apt application.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by  braverbeating.

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