(Closed) Does anyone remember my mother drama (not coming to wedding twice?)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Uggh that’s frustrating.  It sounds like she needs to see a psychiatrist because her anxiety is getting in the way of living her life.  I hope she gets better, but I don’t know I would ever get over my mother missing my wedding.  I would be hurt.  Try not to take it personally though.  Maybe whatever anxiety issues she has are getting better.

Post # 4
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Comfort zone. It’s always the comfort zone, and yeah it sucks that your wedding wasn’t motivation enough but to see someone older who can do something you aren’t willing to do … that’s a big motivation even for us young’uns.

Post # 6
Member
412 posts
Helper bee

 Maybe now that she’s over the hurdle and willing to fly, she’d also be willing to do a trip out your way. I realize you can’t redo your wedding so she’s there, but at least you can make new memories going forward. 

Also: I wouldn’t look at it as your wedding not being incentive enough. She was genuinely scared to fly/didn’t think she could do it.  Now that someone older than her tells her she flies your mom’s viewpoint has shifted. It was never about what was “worth it” but rather her own capabilities (or at least that’s what i get out of your post)

Post # 8
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Wow I am sorry.  I would have a hard time handling my emotions if I were in your shoes.  Try not to take it as a reflection on yourself and your value.  Sounds like your 
Mom has some issues and might be a little selfish insensitive to others feelings. 

I feel like I am kind of having a similar experience, as my Mother has also told me she probably will not be able to attend my wedding.  She has given me every excuse in the book, including not be able to fly, health, her husband can no longer drive, the beds in a hotel will not be like hers at home, etc.

I might have to look at your previous post for advice, bc I am handling the idea of her not comming to my wedding very well.

Post # 9
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@sienna76:  I’m sorry about how your mom is/has been.  Truly, it was her loss–because your wedding was AWESOME.  I am sorry for you, I understand how hurt you must feel though.  At least you got your awesome husband beside you-and he’s the one who counts most.  

Post # 12
Member
1186 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Oh, gosh.  I definitely remember your situation with your mom.  I’m sorry.  I would be pretty hurt and confused.

Post # 14
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Yikes, I’m very sorry your mother struggles with so many issues and you’ve had to be on the receiving end of disappointment.  Every mother should be there to support her daughter on her wedding day.  I can very much understand why you are hurt and angry.

I hope it helps some that it isn’t about you but about your mom’s issues (as to why she wasn’t at your wedding).  It was also selfish of her to put her needs about your wishes, but I’m also guessing that you know whatever mental challenges she faces or fears she creates/has takes over her life.  I’m not making excuses for her, but just stating what she’s allowed to control her and take over.

I don’t think you’ll ever be able to ‘forget’ about it, but I hope the pain of the disappointment subsides.  My wedding brough up some glaring issues in my relationship (or lack there of) with my mother.  I finally got to the point of realizing that she did the best she could do and I know that she loves me in her own special way.  That’s after months of being angry with her.  I finally had to get to a point of forgiving her (in my heart) and realizing that I had control over what my relationship with her would be like.  Meaning, I could stay angry and distant from her or I could move past the hurt and give the future a chance (future memories, relationship/memory building, etc).  

I also mentally did a shift and stopped doing things because I thought she wanted me to but did them because I wanted to do them.  That changed my expectation.  Meaning, if you go take the trip – do it for you and because YOU want to see her (or the rest of your family). Not because you think she’ll be disappointed if you don’t or because she wants you to.

Post # 15
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

She might have a more generalized social anxiety disorder and not just a fear of flying. Someone in my family has this issue, and they hate going to weddings or even going out to eat in restaurants. The crowds aggrivate the anxiety, even if it’s people you know and love. And the flying/travelling is part of that, the loss of control and fear can be crippling. I know it’s hard, but don’t take it personally, they aren’t trying to make you feel as if your wedding isn’t good enough, they are just too trapped in their own head and their own fear to see beyond that. I’m sure she wanted to come to your wedding. This person makes ridiculous excuses allll the time to get out of things, but it’s not because they don’t love the people and want to be with them and support them, they just can’t. It’s pretty great that anything got your mother to want to get past this. It still sucks she didn’t support you and you were hurt.

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