(Closed) Does anyone understand how I'm feeling?

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
1390 posts
Bumble bee

I think it can be really hard when we’re on the bee and you see countless wedding shows about huge elaborate events. it makes it feel like a small gathering or a less grandiose event is sort of a let-down. Especially when you work so hard and it is maybe a little less than perfect. We had a Destination Wedding and an at-home reception. Like you, I worked very hard and did everything myself. I was also 29 and most of my friends have already married. We had a small gathering on an island and it was lovely. We had an outdoor reception back home and I worked so hard on it. Our invitation list was 115 people. 72 RSVPed yes. 58 showed up. I was sort of devestated. We had a small list to begin with and then for 14 people to not show up? We had two whole tables that were completely empty.

Like you, I was 29. Many of my friends were already married. At least three couples weren’t able to come because they had a newborn baby. I don’t blame them for staying home AT ALL. But all three were couples whose weddings we’d attended in the past few years. People we loved and had shared their day with. We traveled to their weddings, we were part of their bridal parties. No matter how valid the reason they weren’t able to share the day with us the way we shared theirs with them. We also had three other couples, all of who had weddings many states away from us who didn’t come after we’d travelled to all of their weddings. I was disappointed but you slowly realize that if they’re not willing or able to travel for you, it’s not the end of the world. Perhaps you just aren’t as close as you’d thought. It might sting a bit, but you get past it. Of course it’s going to be a bit sad. Honestly, I think there’s a big difference when you get married closer to 30 or in your 30s. Many of our friends got married between 26 and 27. Only a few years ago, but now they’re on a course of babies and weddings are sort of old news. Of the friends that did come, two were pregnant and everyone was so enthralled by talking to them about babies that almost no one danced and many people left early. I remember thinking “damnit, ____, I danced at your wedding with you until midnight and you won’t even dance once!”  And although we had a very kid-friendly reception, none of our friends with families came at all. It was a very weird dynamic but there was little I could do to control it.

At the end of the day, we had the wedding we had and it was lovely. I married my best friend, we have wonderful pictures of it and despite being disappointed at a few points, I managed to remain a gracious bride who did not flip out on anyone and didn’t have a melt down when the caterer was 45 minutes late or when it poured the morning of our outdoor reception.

Was I frustrated by my friends and even my bridal party at times? Of course. But I focus on the wonderful parts and not the frustrating ones. Our reception was beautiful and I was able to see my image come to life. Our food was delicious and many people told us how great it was. It was also cheap and I felt like we hit a home run with that one. Not everyone danced but we had friends on the dance floor through the last song. We had some family drama at the end of the evening but thankfully no one saw it and that’s the best you can hope for at that point. Despite who was there, what happened, who didn’t say I was beautiful or who didn’t bother to dance with us, etc. Darling Husband and I still say that it was the best wedding we’ve ever been to. And that’s kind of the whole point.

Post # 4
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m sorry your memories of your wedding are not very positive. Personally I didn’t take on any DIY projects and hired some great professionals so I cannot say I’ve been in your shoes. But have you thought about a vow renewal with just your and your husband on some beautiful island. Maybe you could take an anniversary trip to a nice island and just spend the time unwinding and relaxing, if you do a vow renewal then and get as few photos it might make you feel a little better. 

Post # 5
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I understand. I have been married for almost a year now and try not to think about my wedding day ever. It was one of the saddest days of my life due to outside stressors (my husband’s family is abusive and we invited them anyway- they really put a damper on things). Nothing. I repeat, nothing, turned out the way I had hoped. We also did a lot of DIY things. On my wedding day I didn’t feel pampered or rested, I had to change out of my dress to set things up because I had no help- good grief, my parents almost forgot to get me for the processional. I had 7 minutes to get into my dress and make sure my makeup was okay before I walked down the aisle to dirty looks and glum stares from his family. It was horrible and only got worse as the night went on.

As someone who has been married almost a year I can tell you one thing for sure: a dissapointing wedding day can be a very painful thing. But with time, the pain fades into a dull ache, that ache fades as well as your love and marriage grow in time. Sooner or later you’ll be so focused on other positive things happening it won’t matter as much any more if your day was a let down. Marriage can be so much more wonderful than a wedding! Looking back I see how much the experience drew my husband and I closer together and how it gives me hope and joy to look to the future at possible trips together, vow renewal and having children with the guy I love.

(hugs) and feel free to PM me if you want to talk. πŸ™‚ Here’s wishing you a happy and wonderful future with your DH!

Post # 6
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m sorry you’re going through this. All you can do is try to put it behind you and move on. Pick something else to focus on now.

Of course you’ll mourn the fact that it’s over – you put your heart and soul into planning it. Your routines are now different. That’s perfectly normal. It’s a shame that it didn’t turn out quite as you hoped, but what can you do? Try to focus more on the things you can control than the ones you can’t. Remember that weddings mean different things to different people. Some people just don’t like weddings. If your friends are good to you in other ways, then try to keep that in mind.

Try to put things into perspective. You’re married to the man you love. In the end, a wedding IS just one day.. whether you enjoyed it or not. I find it hard to believe how much effort and money people put into weddings these days… it’s kind of frightening. It becomes more about the wedding than marriage for some girls (not saying that’s you).

I say mope for a bit longer and then get on with life. No matter how perfect a wedding seems, there are things that go wrong. In some ways you’re very lucky. Do some pampering for yourself – book yourself into a spa for a day. If you remember that YOU’RE the one responsible for your happiness, it might help. Take charge and fight for your happiness. Forget everyone else.

Post # 7
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Gosh I’m so so sorry.  I’d love to share my family with you but you might be a little far.

The best news is now you have a new family – you and your husband.  You have a whole new life to start.  A chance to set new expectations (Yes, dear, I need a manicure once a month and I need you to pick me up from the salon), a chance to start new traditions. 

You wedding was what it was.  Sounds crappy and I’m so sorry all your hard work didn’t turn out like you wanted it to.

But the rest of your marriage – that’s up to the two of you. 

Post # 8
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

No wedding is perfect. There’s always something that goes wrong, usually lots of somethings; the bride and groom don’t get to relax and enjoy the party like the guests do; most brides end up exhausted, some to the point where they actually get sick (I had a wicked sore throat for my wedding, woke up at 4 am that morning and had lost my voice).  It never matches our dreams, even worse if we’ve had our head filled with what reality shows tell us a wedding should be like. Some guest or other always disappoints us.  It’s the nature of weddings, and it’s normal to feel a little unloved at the end of it.  Plus it’s normal to feel a little deflated afterwards because now you have a huge void in your life and you don’t quite know what to do with all the free time you used to spend planning the wedding.

I’d recommend you stop focusing on what you didn’t have, and start focusing on what you did have. I think there are plenty of bright spots in every wedding if you just take a minute to look for them.  You can’t get the day back, so you might as well spend your time thinking of the things that really did turn out right instead of focusing on the negatives.  If you’re happy with the guest feedback on the music, then give youself a big pat on the back for that. If you love how your centerpeices came out, take credit for that.  Look for all the things that did work out, and make sure you blow your own horn over them.

As for the pampering and spoiling, it really is rare that people will plan those things for you. In an ideal world, we’d always have a herd of girl pals lined up ready to bake us cookies or take us to the spa, but people get busy and get focused on their own lives, and don’t always pay us the attention that we want. It also sounds like since you really put in all the work in the wedding planning, that people got used to seeing you do it all yourself, and didn’t think of planning something for you.  Totally normal, and part of human nature. I think if you want these things, you need to put the wheels in motion and while it’s too late go to back and do it over for your wedding, there’s no reason you can’t have a post-wedding mani/pedi or plan a girls weekend out of town.

Post # 9
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree, it’s tough to be on this site or any other wedding web site and see very different weddings from the one you had or envisioned.

I’ve been married for a while and I will tell you that the disappointment of the wedding day itself will hurt less over time.  I didn’t feel “pampered” either on my “big day”.  I did *everything* and had a much bigger wedding than I had wanted.  I hated my dress; I wasn’t crazy about my hair; I didn’t break in my shoes so my feet were killing me; I changed my veil for the reception and hated it; and to this day, I hate looking at wedding photos because it does remind me that I didn’t feel beautiful.

But you know, it is only one day.  I think many times ladies are guilty of having unrealistic expectations; I expected things to go wrong and they did, and while those things didn’t ruin the day, they were disappointing.  And I have to remind myself that things could have been a LOT worse…and the most important thing to remember is that Darling Husband and I did get married.

A wedding does not make a marriage so instead of focusing on what went wrong or what could have been, focus on what can be.

Post # 10
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I just want to say that I am sorry that wedding things did not turn out the way that you hoped they would. APW has had several posts on not loving, or even liking, your wedding. Maybe haring other women with similar experiences would help you feel less alone in your experience.

And I second the recommendation to plan a vow renewal with your husband at some point in the future. While it will never replace your wedding, it may help ease the disappointment.

Post # 11
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

FWIW I don’t think the OP’s wedding sounds “crappy.”  It sounds like a wedding.  Weddings are a ton of work, stress, money, and time, and they bring out the worst in people.  They leave you exhausted, and financially and mentally drained. They are always imperfect; the only question is what exact flavor of imperfection you get. That doesn’t make it any less special, or make you and your husband love each other any less; in fact, it should bring you closer together, because if you survived the wedding, you’re off to a great start. But having an unrealistic expectation of the day, and saying the wedding was “crappy” if it doesn’t measure up to that expectation, isn’t fair at all on anyone.

FWIW I also didn’t get a mani/pedi before my wedding, even though I had one scheduled. I had to cancel my appointment. Just ran out of time. Too many things to do. I ended up having one of my sister’s friends do my nails while I was getting my hair done.  The upside was, I got to use her nail polish as the Something Borrowed lol.  And after all the stress of figuring out how the heck I was going to find time to get my nails done, we didn’t even remember to ask the photographer to take a picture of our rings on our hands!  We did get a couple of good shots of us holding hands— just our hands— but they weren’t posed so you can’t really see the rings, and you definitely can’t see my nail polish. I could have left my 3-week-old chipped-to-hell nail polish on that day, for all anyone could tell!


Post # 12
16 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

I can understand what you’re going through.  Although I loved my wedding, I barely had any sleep in the week leading up to it because I had so many DIY projects.  Several small things went wrong during the ceremony and reception (MIL forgot the boutonnieres, band played the wrong song for our first dance, waitstaff didn’t serve enough drinks etc.).  However, I don’t think anyone really noticed the little things, and it just reminded me that in the end what matters is that my Darling Husband and I were able to get married and celebrate our love.  I’ll probably forget all of those details a few months from now.  I hope that you can focus on a few of the things that you loved about the wedding and let go of the others.  It’s easy to dwell on what went wrong, but you can’t change any of that now.  It sounds like you worked really hard, and I hope that you at least enjoyed some of the projects that you did.

The hardest thing for me was that many family members and friends didn’t attend because of cost, babies, or they simply didn’t care.  It sounds like you were in a similar position.  My DH’s friends and family were much more supportive, and he kept telling me that they are my friends and family now too.  I hope that you feel that way.

The last thing I want to say is that it sounds like you need to sit down with your husband and have a conversation about this.  If he doesn’t know how you’re feeling, he can’t do anything about it.  I know if I felt this way, my husband would suggest a spa day, a weekend getaway, or a special night out.  You deserve to relax and feel good about yourself, and he should support you in that.  Tell him how stressed and exhausted you have been feeling and that you would love to do something fun (either alone or together).  You can’t go back in time, but you can give yourself a break now and do something that is just for you.


Post # 13
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think I know how you feel.

I don’t come from a lovey-dovey family.  My maid of honor lives an hour away and has two kids who run from sun up to sun down, my sister hates weddings. My parents and my FH’s parents could care less about their kids getting married.  Unfortunately I don’t have a fairy-tale, made for TV close-knit family who have nothing to do but dote on me while I plan my wedding.

But, I knew this going into it.  I chose to have, pay for, and plan my own wedding. I knew it would be me, and maybe a little bit of my FH (although, he’s a guy, and I’d be concerned if he got gung-ho into wedding planning) who would do all of the work for the wedding.  But I didn’t have a problem with it — because it’s what I wanted to do.  I’m planning this wedding for me and my FH, so we can enjoy our day with our friends and family.  I don’t want any props for it, although a compliment or two would be nice. 

I am going to be able to pamper myself, because I built that into the schedule and am paying for my Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs to come along with me. 

I think you may have gone into the process with too many expectations of others around you.  I did for about a week right after I got engaged, but my parents showed enough disinterest, that I knew I wasn’t going to change their minds, and went forth with my plans, knowing that my FH and I would be the only ones who really understood and cared about how much time I put into things. 

Post # 14
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2006

Totally understand how you feel. It sucks. I hope you start to feel better soon. I’ve learned in life that it’s best to focus on the positive things in one’s life that makes one happy. At the end of the day, it’d be you that would be upset while all your friends and family go on about living their lives. 

I would urge you to discuss your feelings with your friends though. If not, you may always resent them for not being there for you. 

Post # 16
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

@shannonmykayla- Sorry about the pictures too. But to be honest I spent all this money on pictures and 2 yrs later still haven’t done much with them. I made an album, I’m sure you can go through all your pictures and find a couple you like for an album. Maybe if you do a renewal you can get a couple nice pictures of your and Darling Husband and frame those. I just know I have so many pictures and in reality I haven’t hung any up and I’ve been married for 2 yrs. 

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