(Closed) Does anyone whose FI/DH was married before get insecure?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@anon3065:   My advice is stop comparing yourself to other people.  Period. Ever.

He loves you, he’s marrying you and you can’t change anything about her.

Stop it already!!  (And a great big HUG!!!)

Focus on the joy in your life and count your blessings.  πŸ˜‰

Post # 4
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent – Eleanor Roosevelt.

Don’t worry about her – they are not married anymore.  They split for a reason.  He loves and wants to marry you.


(PS – I am an ex-wife.  I’m going to look perfect to any woman my ex decides to marry.  LOL.  I’m not. Wink)

Post # 5
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

How successful and beautiful she is doesn’t take anything away from you! Happiness is not a zero sum game. Try to remember that.

Post # 6
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honey!  You need to work on YOUR core values!

Then it won’t be so easy to compare yourself to others and to feel so insecure!



Post # 7
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

πŸ™ I’m sorry you are feeling that way. Comparing yourself to others never ends well. Try not to – easier said then done I know! But, happiness comes from within. You never know the kind of struggles one may have behind closed doors (no matter how perfect their outward appearance).  If you want to learn how to build and sand a table go for it (i’d love to!) but, only because YOU want to  – not to keep up with the Jones’!  Feel better xo

Post # 8
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Yes everyone has mentioned not comparing and I agree. However, I would like to mention that if you want to do something or be something else, then get up and do it! His ex didn’t get all those talents by sitting around worrying about what other people think of her. Figure out what you’re good at and do that! If you can add some new things you’d like to be good at, then work them in!

Post # 9
96 posts
Worker bee

Awww, I’m sorry. Don’t beat yourself up about feeling this way. Really. It’s not worth the anxiety, and you’ll only drain your energy. By looking at her this way, you are agreeing to lies of inferiority about yourself. Remember, things often look a lot rosier on the outside with other people than they actually are.

Most of all, take this negative energy and throw it into loving your husband,  caring for youself, and building up your relationship.


Always remember that you are a treasure.

Post # 10
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Comparing and contrasting yourself to them and their life is going to do nothing but trash your confidence and make you feel inferior. Also can you imagine what your Fi is thinking, you must make him feel horrible about your situation in life. YOu listed all the good things about her and her husbands life, what about the good things about your life? Envying her isn’t going to do you any good, and you should be in competition with her, you are your own person and only you can decide what barometers you use to define yoru sucess and happiness.

You need to stop focusing on her and live your own life, because you are standing in the way of your happiness.

Post # 11
4951 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Comparing yourself to others doesn’t do any good. There will ALWAYS be someone younger, thinner, smarter, prettier, etc. than each of us. That’s just life. You can’t let that get to you.

To answer your question, my husband was married before (as was I) and no, I never feel insecure/2nd place/etc. In fact, I feel better! Why? Because he got rid of her sorry ass and despite her doing a number on him, he still chose to let his heart open to me instead of acting damaged. πŸ™‚

Post # 12
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@anon3065:  I can’t say I blame you for comparing yourself to her. It’s hard not to, but you need to STOP. You’re only making yourself miserable, and it could turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy and you could lose your fiance.

Most of the things that you focus on are all to do w. money and appearances. If that’s what is important to you (hey it is to me, not judging) then there are things you can do to make yourself feel better. You’re a size 10? Lose some weight. You don’t dress as well as her? Get a new wardrobe. She has a great career? She probably worked for it. You can too. If you were more secure in yourself, she wouldn’t bother you as much.

Also keep in mind that appearances can be deceiving. You don’t know if she is happy. For all you know, she may have a ton of insecurities herself. You can work on the image you project to the world.

Your guy is with you. The past is the past. You came along after she did. If he didn’t want to be with you, he wouldn’t. I imagine knowing that he wanted her back would be hard, but he blew it with her. He didn’t value her so much that he was willing to treat her well, and let her slip away. He values YOU enough to treat you well. Is he supposed to spend forever alone now just because she was perfect? It’s not a comparison but I think you measure up just fine.

Post # 13
205 posts
Helper bee

I am going to tell you somethign from the other side of the fence….

i HATE my SO ex. She is terrible, waste of skin human…

But ossacionally we have to run into her, and i loath it.

Worst part is that my SO has no hard feelings towards her and never accknowledges what a money grubbing, lieing, cheating c-u-n-t she is.

Be happy that you are on good terms with her and that you can all be friends…

As for your Fiance loving you – of course he does… everyone has there soulmate – and you will never understand why some people are just ment to be.

Just trust that he is for you, and you only.

Post # 14
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have to agree with the others who are saying that it’s probably a lucky thing that this lady is actually NICE and you get along with her (especially for the little boy’s sake), but I can certainly understand your feelings.  I have a cousin who is a little too perfect for my liking and I’ve spent most of my life being compared to her, so I do have an idea of how much this sucks. lol  It would probably drive me crazy too if one of FI’s exes were THIS perfect.  However, what you have to remember is that you’ve got talents and qualities too that obviously your Fiance loves about you, or else he wouldn’t be marrying you.  He could have spent the rest of his life chasing after his ex, but instead he’s found happiness with YOU.  Think about that! πŸ™‚

Also, I know it’s hard not to be at least a LITTLE jealous of someone who’s accomplished so much, but try not to.  She obviously worked hard for all she has and deserves it.  Perhaps there is something you can do to make yourself feel better about your own life?  If going back to school isn’t an option, perhaps you could volunteer or something.  Helping others is a great way to boost our own sense of self-worth. πŸ™‚  Good luck to you!

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