(Closed) Does being pregnant trump my wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013


I’m sorry this happened to you. It really does sound like she got overwhelmed by the commitment (pregnancy can be a really hard time which maybe she didn’t realize when she made the commitment to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.)

I would reach out to her, once more, for the sake of the friendship, if it was important to me, and let her know that I understand she’s going through a lot right now. (I wouldn’t ask her to be Bridesmaid or Best Man again, though.)

Also, your friend saying “pregnant trumps weddings” is just stupid. You and your friend are both going through life events that are really important to you. You both deserve understanding and support from your friends.

Post # 4
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Pregnancy is not an excuse to be an asshole. Millions of women have managed to carry a baby for 9 months without turning into a total bitch and offending those closest to them. I’m totally on your side. I think both of your bridesmaids are being ridiculous. It’s clear that pregnant bridesmaid doesn’t care about your wedding and engaged bridesmaid is freakin’ clueless and jumping on pregnant bridesmaids bandwagon. I don’t blame you for being upset about the text. It may be 2012 and age of the text message but that’s also like the most impersonal form of communication in existence. Pregnant bridesmaid couldn’t even be bothered to answer the phone when you called so she’s the one in the wrong, not you. 

I know it sucks but these girls hardly seem like good friends. I had a pregnant bridesmaid and she was nothing short of awesome the entire time. Maybe you should look at this as a learning experience into who your true friends are. If these girls can’t be bothered to be supportive of you, then you don’t need them in your life. I’d also be ceasing all help with pregnant bridesmaids baby shower. She shouldn’t be rewarded for acting like an asshole. 

And no, being pregnant does not trump a wedding. They’re both major life experiences and one is not more important than the other. 

Post # 5
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I don’t think that you can blame pregnancy hormones on 6 weeks of refusal to communicate with you. Your friend is being a jerk. BUT, here’s the deal. If you want to continue to have a friendship with her, you’ll take the high road and continue to plan to be at this shower for her. Then maybe you can get her alone face to face to have a conversation about what her effing deal is…but say it nicer than that. 😉 She probably still won’t be in your wedding, but at least you’ll be friends. If you don’t care about keeping her as a friend, then don’t go.

Post # 6
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Honestly, I don’t think the onus is on you here. I also think your friends are both being extremely childish in the way that “they” are communicating with you. This is 8th grade stuff here.

I think pregnancy hormones are a cop out excuse in a lot of situations. Sure, maybe in the initial argument, yeah–hormones got the best of her. Thats fine, I can accept that.

However, those particular hormones did not last 6 weeks. You called and e-mailed. She ignored you. Thats on her. If this were me, I would not go to the shower–but if you go that route, expect that it will be a friendship ending decision. And based on how cliqueish they are acting, it could end it with both BMs.

Post # 7
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@swirl23:  Oh hunny I am sorry your going thru this! I do tend to agree that being pregnant is no excuse to be an a**hole. And the fact you tried multiple way to reach out to her via text, phone and email?? I think its her job now to call you and make the effort. I have never been pregnant nor do I understand the hormones, but I have a friend who is pregnant in my wedding and she has NEVER done anything like that. If you really do value and want this friendship tho I would still go to her shower. Make that your last efffort. And then you will be face to face to hopefully you will both get the  closeur and if she still acts that way twords you then you know you have done all you can and its time to just put it to rest and move on planning the greatest day!! Good luck keep us posted! 

Post # 8
11419 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

It sounds as if both you and your friend who is expecting have been hurt by this situation and that miscommunication and misunderstanding have played a role.

Yes, your wedding is important, and so is her pregnancy. The fact that each of you is experiencing something wonderful, exciting and new in your lives may  mean that each of you could be more prone to feeling things more deeply and reacting more strongly than you may otherwise would if you were not planning your wedding and she were not having her first baby. That you no longer live near each other or see each other on a regular basis, and you’ve been communicating primarily via text, have definitely been factors as well.

You made the following statments in your post:

“I am not heartless and I do love my friends unconditionally, I want to be compassionate towards her and its killing me that we are not talking.  So I started wondering maybe I do need to be the bigger person and reach out to her once more.”

If you truly do love your friends unconditionally, and if this relationship with your friend of 12 years is truly important to you, then I would suggest that you take the step of going above and beyond what others may think you should do and that you plan to attend the baby shower for your friend. Actions really do speak louder than words.

If you friend arrives at her shower and finds that you have taken the time and effort to drive two hours to be there and share HER special day and give her a gift, I think your actions will show her that you love her and that this relationship matters a great deal to you. I think that she will respond well to that kind of forgiving heart.

I wish you the best!

Post # 9
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Okay, so I’m pregnant and also due at the end of October.  I’ve also been a Bridesmaid or Best Man 4 times.  Here’s what I think the issue is:  she feels bad.

Being pregnant definitely doesn’t excuse being a jerk (she’s being a jerk) and I think that both of your BMs are being immature.  I’d just pick up the phone and deal with pregnant Bridesmaid or Best Man directly.

I think that she feels bad because she’s not able to be there for you and felt like you were digging at her because she’s not able to come dress shopping.  Her attempts to figure out when your wedding is, while annoying, could be because she’s desperately trying to figure out how she’s going to arrange childcare or when you’re going to need her to help out more.  Did she handle this well?  Nope…not at all.

Being pregnant has not been the best experience for me, although I can’t wait to meet my baby and be a mom.  Now that we’re almost there, I’m exhausted and honestly can’t tell on a daily basis how I’m going to feel.  When you haven’t been there, it’s easy-I did it- to say “why can’t you just do that?” etc.  Every pregnancy is different.  If she’s getting the full deal of fun “information” of what the first 6 months are like, she might just be totally freaking out.  

This doesn’t excuse her being a moron and it certainly isn’t a case of pregnancy trumps wedding- I don’t believe that for a second.  THis is a huge deal for her and your wedding/marriage is a huge deal for you.  

Call her.  Tell her you’re sorry about the miscommunication.  HOpefully she also apologizes.  Let her know if you have any expectations regarding showers, etc.  I think that she’s probably on an ultimate planning kick and it’s freaking her out that she’s going to have to juggle all of this stuff.  If you don’t know what you want her to do, that is just adding to her anxiety.  

Anyway, just my take.

Post # 10
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Being pregnant does not give anyone the right to be rude obnoxious jerks. 

Pregnancy trumps your wedding? I will put it this way, for you, nothing trumps your wedding, and for this girl, nothing trumps or comes before the life growing in her. So yes pregnancy trumps wedding. If you plan on having a Bridesmaid or Best Man that has a family, you have to be understanding enough to realize her family has to come first for her, no matter what, and be ok when she can’t do everything you ask due to family obligations.

Post # 11
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I can’t think of any set of circumstances that might excuse this type of behavior….the point is, if friends cannot be happy and excited for each other, regardless of what is going on in their own lives, they probably weren’t very good friends to start with.


Post # 12
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think that the only time a pregnancy absolutely trumps a wedding, is if it is happening to the same person.  Your wedding trumps her pregnancy to you, and her pregnancy trumps your wedding to her, end of story.  Your engaged Bridesmaid or Best Man is being a bit ridiculous with that statement.

Having said that, if you want to try and repair the friendship, going to the baby shower may be a good idea.  You’ve already planned around it, you might as well go so that you can see her face to face.  Here’s the thing, though, don’t talk about your wedding, or the blowup.  Just go and attend the baby shower, enjoy yourself, coo over the baby things.  It’s not going to do anyone any good if you bring up the wedding, and she gets upset, in which case you might get blamed for ruining her shower.

If all is good and civil at the shower, give her a call when you get back.  If she doesn’t answer, you have your answer, if she does, that is the time to mend fences.

Oh, and I wouldn’t keep worrying about her dropping out via text.  Is it a bit rude? Maybe, but it won’t do anyone any good to dwell on it.

Good luck, OP.


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