- 3 years ago
Today marks one year since the breakup of my first serious relationship that lasted almost 5 years. I was the one to find out he was cheating on me with a young woman he worked with.
Anywho, I’ve been with someone new for a couple of months now. He’s been in Europe for 2 weeks. I was feeling a little nostaligic and uneasy about the date today, so silly me decided to search my ex on Facebook. I’ve had my Facebook deactivated since the breakup.
Low and behold, there is a beautiful beach picture of him and the woman he cheated on me with as his profile picture. I also find that they both left their jobs and moved out of state. Honestly, it wasn’t the picture. It wasn’t even the news of his moving. It was the comments, the likes, the loves of this darn picture. People who knew me, knew us, knew the relationship were commenting such lovely words on it.
That was what hurt. It almost made it feel like his cheating was validated because “he looks so happy”. Like I was the bad guy.
I realized afterwards, and a trip to McDonald’s, that this betrayal has really done a # on me. I have someone special in my life again, a great career, getting my Master’s, and I’m completely independent. However, I still have lost my spark, my happiness. I don’t cry anymore. I didn’t cry tonight. I’m over him. But, I feel like the betrayal changed me. I’m much more honest, not as nice, and somewhat brash. Perhaps that’s a good thing because I used to be such a pushover. I’m kind to those close to me, but I’ve also pushed several people away, including family members. I feel like I can’t trust anymore.
I know I sound like I need therapy, and I did go. I quit about 6 months after the breakup because I thought I was feeling better. The truth is, I think about the betrayal every single day. I feel like I have a forever negative outlook on relationships, and I’m only 27. The guy I’m with is so good to me, so nice, but it freaks me out. I’m happy when I’m with him, but I feel like I can’t even enjoy it because I’m just… drained.
Will this ever go away? I apologize in advance if I’m sounding dramatic. I guess I just needed to vent. I stopped talking about it with friends and family months ago because frankly, they’re tired of hearing about it and don’t understand why I can’t let it go. Me neither.