(Closed) Does betrayal/cheating change your life forever?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9521 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

It sounds like you still need the help of a professional. It is not healthy to still obsess about it on a daily basis. Yes, it sucks that mutual friends like their facebook status but it doesn’t mean that you are the bad guy in it. He still is a jerk for cheating but generally people want to support their friend despite the means to the end. 

Facebook is the cause of so much drama. Best to stay off of it, especially his page. You have a great life without the lying jerk! You are better off without him!

But no, cheating shouldn’t last forever in your mind. Speaking from experiance, it can taint future relationships but shouldn’t. People are all different. Don’t let a good man pay for the sins of another.

Post # 4
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Bee it sounds like your trust has gone and you feel deflated- I feel though the fact you know this already is a positive step. You sound like you have a great sense about you and I don’t see why that with a little help by talking to someone you can’t move past it and continue with your life. Sometimes finding out about something again that you thought you had shut out is a kicker and it brings you back down to square one again. But you have a lot to be positive about including your new relationship- you never know it could lead to something serious and then you’ll be getting your happy ever after. ( and if not you will be a single kick ass lady looking for love/ Fun whatever) 

Post # 5
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

I also think you need to talk to someone about this.  Think about it objectively – are his friends supposed to never make a positive comment on a photo because he cheated once?  These comments are nothing to do with you, they aren’t saying anything bad about you.

You haven’t lost your spark or your happiness, you’re simply not over this fully but you will be! Perhaps you’re not ready to be dating someone. 

Post # 6
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve never been cheated on or at least that I know of. I have a deep fear of cheating though so I totally get what you mean. I’ve decided I need to see someone because my fear is so irrational. 

Anyways, my Fiance is an awesome person and he was cheated on twice by one of his first serious girlfriends. The first time he forgave her and the second time he left. He’s told me that it really messed him up. He began drinking a lot and thinking all women were cheaters. He said it took a long time to realize he didn’t do anything wrong and she was an isolated incident. I think your feelings just show you’re human. I do think therapy could help smile

Post # 7
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I can’t tell you what to do, I can only speak from experience. My experience of cheating happened a long time ago. My first two loves both ended in the man cheating. If the first one hurt the second one killed. The second time around I found out about the cheating by snooping through his email. For the next several years, I was addicted to snooping on whoever I was with – even just people I was casually dating. Up to that point I had never experienced the love of a man without betrayal, so I just expected it.

But over time as I found myself in healthy and healthier relationships, I realized there was no need to obsess over the possibility of cheating like I used to. I’d like to say I came to this conclusion all by myself but the truth is I needed the love of REAL men, men who didn’t feel the need to hide anything, to get over it. And it took several relationships, to be honest. 

I guess I share all of this to say be patient with yourself. Don’t rush yourself out of feeling whatever you need to feel. Lean on whoever you need to lean on (whether that’s a loved one, your SO, or a trained professional). And with time and experience, it will go away. You don’t sound dramatic to me. Good luck bee!

Post # 8
Member
1282 posts
Bumble bee

Everyone has heartbreak at some stage in their life. I think you just love more maturely the second time around xo

Post # 9
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

The thing is, even if he did wrong by you, he is going to move on. His friends will want to see him happy. Mutual friends will want to see him happy and you happy. Breakups are miserable for whatever the reason. Healing takes time. Talk to someone if you must, but don’t let it ruin your current loving relationship. 

Post # 10
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

Move on. Don’t give this guy the pleasure of making your life miserable. There’s too much good stuff out there. There are nice men out there.

Post # 11
Member
1760 posts
Buzzing bee

I stayed angry at him for about 10years, until another person became #1 on my sh*t list lol I hold serious grudges. I love hard and I hate hard. I also felt betrayed by mutual friends who didn’t take my side, like they didn’t stand up for the victim(me) so I couldn’t trust them any more.

My only advice is that time heals. I still hate him but I rarely think about him now. Over time more and more people will hurt you, people really suck lol and eventually you’ll get good at cutting losers out of your life fast and forgetting they exist.

Post # 12
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Vineyard Lake

I was cheated on by my boyfriend of 6 years when I was 27. I was absolutely devastated! I felt broken for a few years in fact. I know exactly how you feel!

Although it sucks, I think it’s pretty normal to feel that way when you put your heart & soul into something/someone & end up betrayed by the person you love most. It’s like a death of someone very close. THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT FOR YOUR GRIEF! You will heal in your own time. That kind of experience does change you for forever in some ways. I’m definitely a bit more cynical these days.

The good news is, I’m engaged to the absolute love of my life! If I do think about the ex (which is very rare) I actually hope he’s happy & I know that things worked out the way they were supposed to.

Your heart will heal. You’ll get your joy back. You’ll find your happily ever after & it will be SO much more than you ever thought it could be!!

Chin up bee! It only gets better from here!!

Post # 13
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

If you feel you could benefit from someone to talk to, then return to therapy.  If you don’t choose that option, you will still heal.  A year is very little time.  Unfortunately, you poured lemon on your wound by looking at his FB, and that hurt.  It hurts because it hurts, not because you are broken. 

My first marriage ended with betrayal.  I was very bothered by the fact that mutual friends didn’t ‘take my side’ and I now realize that was unfair of me.  It took me a few years, and meeting a worthy man, to really love and trust again.  Give it time, and just breathe.  When the walls feel like they’re falling down, look around to see that they’re not.  You will heal too.

Post # 14
Member
10640 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Only if you let it.

Once you’re really over it at some point you just stop caring about what happened in the past.

Post # 15
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

Look at this way – he is a scum bag cheater. She is a scum bag who would carry on with someone who is taken. They deserve each other. 
Decent society – you included –  has something to celebrate when such people find each other and stop poisoning the pool water for the rest of us. Even if she turns out to be the “love of his life” and vice versa – they will always know their relationship was conceived and born in slime. Forever.

As for the likes – I honestly would drop anyone from my life who in any way supported a relationship that was a direct result of my mistreatment.  On his last deployment, a married solider in my FI’s detachment started carrying on with a female soldier in another detachment. They all ostracized both of them. His wife was the one who baked the birthday cakes, organized support for the families back home, etc. She was a dear friend to all of them. There was a divorce and the cheater and side piece are married now … but the rest of the unit still treats them like garbage. None of them can see them together without remembering Wendy’s tears.

But maybe your mutual friends are aware of your new relationship and think you’re in a better place, and therefore its OK to “like”? 

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