(Closed) Does betrayal/cheating change your life forever?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
356 posts
Helper bee

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erin013 :  I think its perfectly normal to not be totally over it yet, and I think you will always remember it, but I think you definitely get over it. Yes, its a bad experience that changes you, but it doesnt have to be a negative. I was with someone for 7 years and he cheated and it took me a long time to get over it. Honestly, I thought i was happy, but was still thinking about it and thinking of him. I would feel sick and embarrassed and humiliated when i would think about it. It wasnt until I fell in love with my boyfriend and knew he and I were going to be together for the rest of my life did i truly feel over it. Remember, your ex may seem happy on facebook but you dont know whats going on in their “house”. Hes a cheater, and unless he dealt with why he cheated hes very likely to do it again. You cant find the right person when you’re with the wrong person. By The Way, Im 42, and this happened to me 2 years ago, and I am finally with my perfect match. Its never too late 

Post # 17
Member
2881 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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erin013 :  Bee, I could have written your post.

My ex Fiance cheated on me with one of his coworkers.  Even though he begged me not to break up with him, I had to.  He admitted to me that he had feelings for her – strong feelings, so I really had no other choice but to end things.  I stalked her Facebook page for a while and she had posted pictures of them together when we were still together and the comments about how happy they looked just broke my heart.  My ex wasn’t on FB much but he commented on her page things like “my soul mate” and “love of my life”.  More salt in the wound.

I got off Facebook and avoided any kind of social media for months.  I was that angry, bitter, scorned single woman for a while.  Then they got married, and of course I had to stalk the pictures, and it felt so unfair that so many people were liking their pictures, like you said, because they were happy they were justified.  I have always been a very fair person, and it just gutted me that life was so unfair.

I did move on, and I didn’t want him back, but his cheating did change me – looking back, though, not always in a bad way.  That angry, scorned woman did fade away.  I did learn to trust again, but not be too trusting.  More importantly, I learned to stand up for myself.  I’ve always been a people pleaser, and I learned that it was OK to say no.  When my husband and I first started dating, I told him what I had been through and while I tried not to let that experience affect my current one, he knew he had to be a bit more patient with me.  There were a couple of instances early on where he reminded me that he wasn’t my ex.  ANd I have to say, long story short, I’ve never had anything like this relationship.  I never thought I would be able to open up again the way I have to him (and him me).

So while i think cheating is something you’ll never forget, it doesn’t have to break you forever.

Post # 18
Member
486 posts
Helper bee

I think it does change you forever, but only in the way that everything that happens to you, even small things, impact you and shape you in some way. 

Post # 19
Member
650 posts
Busy bee

I don’t condone cheating, but the fact that your ex is happier in a new relationship isn’t a reflection on you – it’s a reflection on the compatability of the relationship you had. I think your mutual friends can like both of you, and still want both of you to be happy in new relationships. They probably also like the new woman and want her to be happy.

Happy people don’t cheat – his unhappiness in the relationship might have had nothing to do with you, but the truth is when you find a relationship where you are BOTH happy and head over heels in love, worrying about cheating will be a non-issue. 

Post # 20
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

It certainly is a hard thing to get over.  I had to re learn how to trust. It took me a year and a really good guy to get over the heart ache. Eventually you  be glad to be rid of your ex and rarely think of him.

Post # 21
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

I have no proof that I was cheated on, but I strongly suspect it in one case, and in the most recent case, there were definitely fishy lying things going on. 

I agree that it’s normal to need time to process it. My phrase is that I’m over *him*, but I’m not even sure to this day that I’m over *it*. Maybe that’s just my ego; that the deeds went unpunished. That our mutual friends gush over the most recent one and his wife, that he practically moved in with when he was barely out the door of breaking up with me.

I do remind myself, though, that relationships are personal. It’s not really your friends’ place to judge anything based on he-said-she-said. I’d be upset if a friend declared me the bad guy after a break-up, seeing as it’s not really their business, so you have to expect people to remain neutral, especially if there’s an important reason for them to still be in their life. Maybe they work together, live nearby, have other things in common and need to keep the peace. It’s not their place to be judge and jury against cheaters, as bad as they are.

(…but I did end up unfollowing/muting mutual friends. It hurt too much. I don’t need that in my life. Life’s too short to waste time on things that you know are going to hurt you.)

Social media is definitely not a way to assess how people truly think of each other. LOL. I have to be phony on FB every goddamn day! LOL. 

Good luck sorting it out. Your new guy sounds great.

Post # 22
Member
7811 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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slomotion :  <– What she said. 

Still thinking of it every single day means you still need some help to get through this. Of course the people still in his life are happy for him. Shouldn’t they be? If they weren’t they probably wouldn’t still be his friends.

Just as your friends who knew him are likely happy for you and your new relationship. We all grow and move forward and as we do all sorts of relationships drop, shift or grow. That’s how life works. It’s okay. 

Post # 23
Member
2382 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Back in the olden days, I was cheated on by just about every guy I dated. Usually under the excuse that we weren’t engaged, so he could date other women. Whatever. I always was suspicious of guys, and it wasn’t groundless. 

It wasn’t until I met now DH that I didn’t get that feeling that I had to wonder at all times what he was doing when he was away from me. I knew with a sixth sense that he was square with me. 

Trust is funny, you either have it or you don’t. No one can tell you, you have to trust someone. Trust yourself, if you don’t feel right about something don’t let the sense go. And trust yourself to know, whatever happens you can handle it.

Post # 24
Member
3436 posts
Sugar bee

 I think you are ok – you are only one year out of the breakup and it sounds like you were fine until you made the mistake of checking out his Facebook. You were upset so you went to McDonald’s. Been there, done that. It’s not like it is 10 years later and you are looking at his facebook every day making voodoo dolls of your mutual friends who support him. Give yourself a break! And yes, you can’t expect the mutual friends to not like that he is in a relationship. It sucks, but that’s the way it is. I think you will get used to it. Just never look at his social media again! Seriously, unfriend him.

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