(Closed) Does church come before family?

posted 9 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Why does your mom feel that she absolutely NEEDS to stick with her church commitments even though going to fittings or shopping with you would only mean she would have to skip out once or twice (depending on scheduling). Does she feel that saying no to church commitments means she’s saying no to God? Because there is a HUGE difference between saying no to church involvement and saying no to God. I am a very committed Christian, and so are many of my friends. We always put God first, but that never means that we would skip out on super important friend or family events to keep a church commitment that will always be there. My Maid/Matron of Honor skipped some Bible studies and worship practices so she could shop with me and go to any wedding events she needed to be at. So, i don’t know. Maybe there’s a deeper reason for your mom being so adamant about sticking with her church stuff?

Post # 4
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I would ask somebody else to go with you. To hell with her feelings, she obviously doesn’t care about yours. I think it’s ridiculous that she can’t come with you and I would tell her how you feel. I’m sorry! {{}}

Post # 6
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

I honestly want to tell you to just take your Future Mother-In-Law or your stepmom with you, but I’d also hate for your mom to miss out on something this important to you if this is something you could work through. I’m kind of like your mom in the sense that I get defensive and cry very easily. So how my hubby deals with it is he just lets me cry and gets to his point. He doesn’t want me to cry, but he needs me to hear what he has to say. In the end, I get a totally different perspective on the situation and I appreciate his honesty. Maybe that’s an approach you can take with your mom? Talk to her about the situation in a calm and gentle manner. She may cry about it, but with something this important, she needs to know how she’s making you feel by not being there for you for such a big event in your life.

Post # 7
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

Take someone else along with you who actually wants to go and whom you want to share that moment with, because your mom doesn’t want to.

I used to work with a woman who was exactly like that, and her daughter was planning a wedding at that time with no help from anyone. I generally have no issues with people who are active in their church (great for them!) but this woman took it to the extreme to the point that other people, regardless of whether they were religious themselves or not, found it disturbing. And she even said that her church was much more important than her family under any circumstance, even if her kids were in the hospital and needed her, she couldn’t be bothered. I’m sure that not everyone is like that, but perhaps you could try talking to her in a non-controntational manner. Maybe she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. If she does though and talking doesn’t get you anywhere, then perhaps take a step back and accept that she has priorities that don’t include you and move forward from there.

 For what it’s worth, everyone I know who is involved in their church, even friends who are pastors, say that family comes before church, not the other way around.

Post # 9
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

There must be a good reason that she was “unable” to go with you. Has it happened more than once? Is it just about the shopping and fitting or has she not been involved at all on the planning? I think you need to talk heart-to-heart with her. Afterall, she is your mom. Tell her that you want her to be more involved because it means so much to you and because you love her.

I went to all my fittings and even planned my wedding alone. My mom was overseas and couldn’t even come to the wedding because her visa got rejected. I understand how you feel, but somehow I think there must be something that’s holding her back.

To your question, I think family should come before “church activities”.

Post # 10
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@heathaah – it sounds like your mother doesn’t REALLY realize that you want to spend more time with her during wedding related things.  Could you try approaching it a little different: ie: “Mom, I really would love it if we could share the experience of dress shopping together.  It would mean a lot to me.  I know you are busy, would you let me know when you are free, so I can book the appointments”

I think if she truly understood you wanted her there (vs. a companion to go shopping with) she would figure out how to make it happen.

Post # 11
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m so sorry. I know a bit of how you feel, for quite a while my mom was like that and it made me really not like church. Having it shoved down my throat like that just was not good. But it’s gotten better.

Maybe you can tell her that it hurts you to go alone and you wish you the two of you could really spend some quality time together.

Post # 12
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

sometimes people ger so wrapped up in their religious devotion to their church that they forget the reason why they are there- to know God, to become a better person, to learn, and to pass it on to others. when you start snubbing everyone and only focusing on ‘doing’ in the church building (and not in the outside world), you can lose site of the world outside of church. How can she be an example to you and her family if all she takes part in is church?  She’s lacking balance for sure. Try talking gently to her, begin by saying that you really want to talk about  something that’s been hurting you and that you need her to listen. If that doesn’t work, take whomever else you want, you tried. Explain to her that you didn’t want to go alone and you tried to coordinate with her first but it didn’t work. Pray for her. Maybe even ask her to pray with you.

Post # 13
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh, I’m sorry to hear this! I think this is more common in SOME religions…to disapprove of one thing and then abstain from all activities from it. I’m not sure what your mothers’ viewpoints are (not asking you to divulge) or what her issues are regarding your dres fitting and stuff….do you mean involvement in regards to her particular sect or denomination (a religion that doesn’t acknowledge your marriage, i dunno) or she’s so involved with the church (busy doing bake sales and missions, etc) that she can’t go and/or going isn’t as important??? I was just confused, sorry.

Take someone with you, a friend, your father, just somebody. And if not, it’s ok to go alone. Less fuss is sometimes better. I say TAKE your step mom AND Future Mother-In-Law and tell your mom that you need SOMEONE there and if she’s going to get jealous, you can’t help that. I’ms ure your step mom and Future Mother-In-Law would love to help you

Try talking to your mom. Maybe she thinks you’ll “learn a lesson” by her sticking to her convictions. instead she is driving you apart.

I always am a family first kinda girl, but that’s me.

Post # 14
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I would take either your Future Mother-In-Law or your step-mom. And I would tell your mom when she gets upset about it that you really wanted her to be there and she was your first choice but since she had a prior commitment, you asked one of the others so that you wouldn’t have to go alone. Maybe a little jealous will be the little push she needs.

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