Ok, I feel the need to rant here, feel free to listen or ignore. I just need to say this to someone. Hello anonymous internet forum:
It’s been two days since that conversation and I just can’t shake it. I have been completely depressed. Fiance has noticed it, and there’s not really any explanation I can give. All I want to do is sleep, but then I dream about Sailor. And that is no good. Mostly, the dreams involve Sailor and Fiance together in the same room, and I have to explain to each of them the significance of the other. Last night, I dreamt that Fiance tried to get me to fly south for the winter with him, by turning into geese, but that he left Sailor behind without telling me. Huh?
Sailor asked me the following questions:
Do you think I could make you happy?
Answer: I think he could, but I strongly believe he would not.
Pretend you’re not you and give me advice on what I should do.
Answer: Do about what, exactly? I had no answer for this.
Why do relationships have to be so complicated? Fiance and I have a wonderful, simple relationship. But yes, it is missing something. I honestly only believe I feel like it is missing something because of what I had with Sailor. I feel like I would measure anything against that for the rest of my life, and it would always come up short. That kind of passion can’t exist without the explosive nature of that kind of relationship. And do I really want to be in an on-again off-again I-love-you I-can’t-stand-you relationship for the rest of my life? No.
Pros of Fiance: He loves me unconditionally, no matter what. Finds my antics amusing. Consistently gives me love and affection whenever and wherever I want. We have a completely loving, trusting relationship with excellent communication. He wants to marry me and make babies with me. He loves me hopelessly, and with all possible vulnerability.
Cons of Fiance: He has children, and I really don’t want to be a step-mother. Because of those children, we are forced to stay in the same place for at least the next 10 years, and I never saw myself building a professional career in this back-country state with no opportunity for growth. I feel like me life is totally planned out. I can see it all from beginning to end, and I just think, “Well then, what’s the point of living it?”
Pros of Sailor: He makes me feel so ALIVE. I feel like my life has endless possibilities when I talk to him/am near him. There is an intense HEAT between us. The act our bodies perform together is not anything so mundane as “sex.” It is really so far beyond that. Any time in my life I’ve tried to scratch that itch with anyone else, I can only find it utterly lacking. It’s like a tickly spot on my back that only he can reach. He challenges me. We agree on almost nothing, but can talk for days on end without stopping. We never run out of things to say to each other. Where Fiance and I talk about the weather, our jobs, people, events, Sailor and I talk about ideas, concepts, reality, subspace… whatever.
Cons of Sailor: He doesn’t believe he can ever trust anyone, truly. He has serious commitment issues. His love is hot then cold in an instant. He tires of spending time with me after a while, and needs indefinite breaks (sometimes a day, sometimes a year.) He shuts down when he feels threatened. And sometimes me loving him too much makes him feel threatened because he doesn’t understand it. Can’t process it. He has no idea how to be in a healthy relationship, and I don’t think he even wants to figure it out.
Age old tale. Safe-wonderful-sweet-nice-guy vs. Bad-boy with a heart of gold. I don’t think there’s really a choice here, and when I write it all out like this, it convinces me even more that I’m making the right decision by staying with Fiance. But when I think about my life in terms of years instead of days, I start to hyperventilate. I can’t imagine being the same place forever. It is suffocating me to death. And I can’t imagine never feeling that tingle, that heat, that passion, ever ever again. It makes me never want to get out of bed.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Thoughts are appreciated, though I’m sure I know what you’ll say.