(Closed) Does experiencing a death change you?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
14443 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011
Post # 4
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I truly am so sorry for your loss.  I unexpectedly lost my father, who I was very close to, when I was 15, and I can assure you, yes, losing a person can and will change you. 

I am not sure how long ago it was that your father passed, but you are definitely still grieving this loss, and there is nothing wrong with that.  I know it is cliche, but I can assure you, time will help you heal.  That doesn’t mean you will ever be fully over it, but as time goes on, the pain, the numbness, the feeling of dread will begin to subside.  I am 27 years old, and I still get sad to sad when I think of the things I will miss sharing with my dad, like my wedding, but 99% of the time I can think of him and smile knowing we had such a wonderful relationship.

Also, you said you lost your dad unexpectedly, which means you are likely experiencing shock.  When someone dies from a terminal illness or old age people have time to begin the grieving process early, and this doesn’t make it easier, but just different.  I have lost people both ways.

Due to this shock, you could be experiencing PTSD, which isn’t just for soldiers.  Anytime the mind/body goes through a certain amount of trauma, including suddenly losing a loved one, PTSD can occur.  I would advise you seek help, as talking with someone may help you through the grieving process.  Also, do take a weekend alone.  Explain to your Fiance that it has nothing to do with him, and that you really just want a few days alone to grieve and say goodbye to your father in your own way. 

Something that may help with the wedding planning is to consider ways you can honor your father, and kinda have him there with you on your big day.  It seems your fiance really loves you, but sometimes it is just hard to be affectionate when deep down you feel such a void or so much pain.  Be open with him, and hopefully he will understand. 

I really am sorry you are going through this, and I wish you much peace.

Post # 5
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

@AnonymousQuestion:  Sorry to hear about your dad.

To answer your question,yes I think it does change you. Especially in the very early days. You are grieving and I think it can change your perspective. Things that once seemed so important can really seem trivial in comparison to something as huge as losing your loved one. Unknowingly you may appear to be pushing him away as you struggle to deal with your own feelings and this may be what’s making him clingy. 

I speak from experience because I know I did this with my Fiance. I felt so drained that I couldnt give him anything for a while. I kind of went into my shell.I think you have to try and keep the lines of communication open about how you feel. I think for a partner it can be easier to move on and they expect you to aswell when in reality it takes a long time to come to terms with a death and it could be months before you feel like the old you again. He has to show you some patience and be there for you in the meantime.

Post # 6
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

It’s almost impossible for experiencing death to not change you, unless it’s someone who was super old and totally ready to die/it was expected by everyone.  

I’m so, so sorry about what you’re going through, I don’t know to the extent that you do, but I do know how horrible it is to lose someone close to you.  My cousins lost their mother, and she was someone who I always wished was my mother.  It took me almost 2 years to get out of the depression I was in because of her death.  I felt like you did, wanting to get as far away from everyone as possible and be utterly alone and just bawl my eyes out for hours.  Sometimes I would do that, I’d decline events so I could just sit alone on my bed and wail.  

I strongly urge you to see a therapist as soon as possible.  I’m a therapist and I looove doing grief counseling.  There’s something really special about mourning and learning how to say goodbye and honor a loved one.  It’s also a great way to help you deal appropriately with the change that you will go through, and it can also be a good way to involve your Fiance so that he gets to understand what you’re going through.  The therapist should be able to do some joint sessions with Fiance.  PM me if you have any questions at all, or need someone to talk to, need some ideas about how to do some grief counseling on your own, I would love to help.

Post # 7
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m so sorry that you lost your dad.  🙁  I lost my dad a couple of years ago and went through a similar change as you.  I literally didn’t want to go out for any reason for about two months.  I didn’t want to see happy smiling people – because if my dad is dead, shouldn’t the whole world be sad with me?  It was just too hard to deal with anyone, and it also got old to hear over and over and over, “I’m sorry about your dad.  What happened?”  

Therapy will help, and just being very honest with your Fiance will help.  “I love you and I appreciate all you do, but right now I kinda want to be alone/be inside/be quiet/etc.”  I think our significant others have no clue how to act and they get frustrated, but they mean well.

 

Post # 8
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

first off, i’m really sorry for your loss. my father was sick with cancer for about a year before he passed, and even though i had time to prepare myself it is just the worst thing in the world.

i think you will probably go through many stages of grief, and this is just one of them.  it is natural to focus on little things that annoy you when you are going through something so big.  when my dad passed away, i had so many little fights with family and friends because it was just another outlet for the emotion.  i definitely recommend that you find a counselor… i didn’t deal with my grief very well, and as a result it caused me bigger problems down the road.  make sure you take care of yourself. <3  sorry again for your loss. 🙁

Post # 9
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry to hear of your dad’s passing 🙁  I think the feelings you’re experiencing are perfectly normal. It would be hard to think about the wedding in a happy way knowing that your dad was going to be a part of it, and when you lose someone close to you, it’s not uncommon to unconsciously detach yourself from other people in your life. Maybe it’s a sort of protective coping mechanism when your subconscous mind thinks that emotional attatchments = loss and pain. I think that therapy would be really helpful to start processing what you’re going through.

*hugs* Hang in there! You’re stronger than you think.

Post # 10
Member
2981 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

OP, my heart goes out to you. I lost my father a little over a month ago, and understand the pain you are in. I’m not going to pretend to be an armchair therapist or over-analyze anything, but prehaps your FI’s clinging to you is his way of showing that he never wants to lose you, or that he will never leave you. His overly affectionate nature might be *his* way of mourning the loss of your father and morning your grief and sadness.

Everyone mourns differently. Your father’s passing is still so recent, that you haven’t even had a chance to properly sort things out and come to terms with it. You need to do what your heart is telling you to do. If your heart is telling you to take a weekend “off” from everything and seek peace in your heart, than that is what you should do. I’m sure your Fiance will understand. You have every right to do whatever you need to do to help you cope during this extremely difficult time.

I know what you mean about being ‘perfectly normal’ on the outside. I’m like that too, but at night, after Darling Husband falls asleep I just break down and cry myself to sleep most nights. The greiving process certainly changes you. I wish I could give more solid advice, but if you ever need to talk or vent, please PM me.

Post # 11
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

OP, I’m very sorry. I can’t imagine how much hurt you must have.

I agree with PP- counseling would be beneficial for you during this time. We all grieve differently- if it helps you to go away, to be by yourself for a weekend, I think that’s okay. Sometimes we need to put ourselves first, in order to heal.

Post # 13
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I lost my dad a few months ago, unexpectecly as well.  We thought we had more time, but that didn’t happen.  Like you, I go about my day normal.  But inside, I just want to run away from EVERYONE and be by myself.  I can’t concentrate at work, I’m always tired, and I’m not sad per se, but I’m not happy either.

i feel that I’m not properly grieving for him.  I feel lost and that I could have done somethign more to help him.  I have lots of regret and I don’t know how to process it. I try to explain my feelings to my Darling Husband but its hard. 

I understand how you feel, so just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone.

 

Post # 14
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

It doesn’t change me completely around, but for a little while it does. Such as seeing my uncle die of lung cancer because of smoking… I still like the smell of cigarette smoke but won’t actually smoke now.

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