(Closed) Does FI ever chose his job over you?

posted 8 years ago in Career
Post # 3
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

my husband – never ever, i have a hard enough time getting him to go to work 4 days a week as it is (hubby doesnt need to work, hes financially independant)

my thoughts are being a driver and loading/unloading all day is damn hard work for only $40K a year – and what happens as he gets older, does he want to do a physical job when hes older (i ask this as my brother is a trademan and nearly 40 and now hates it but feels hes too old for anything else)

is it the driving he likes? are there other options that mean he will be home more?

 

Post # 5
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your wedding is a while out yet, but have you two done any of the premarital classes that may be offered by your officiant? I think it would be beneficial for you two to discuss your visions of the future with one another with a third party present (if not for their opinion/guidance, it usually keeps both parties calmer and you think carefully about how you’re expressing what you really mean).

It’s not fair to you to never get to see your husband, and he may be feeling like it’s not fair to give up his goal to be a UPS driver. If that’s something he’s been looking forward to for a long time, I’m sure it stings to have you want to change that now. I also think that he should look at it from your side and understand that the relationship needs time together, not just sleeping in the same bed. Talking together about your goals for the future, the ways you two can make the joint income you’d like (you pick up a job so he won’t have to work 2, or at least 1 full and one part time), etc, can be very helpful when finding out what you both really want and how to make it work together. 

Post # 6
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Lots of men have jobs with less than favorable hours. It is often what pays the bills and if it’s what he wants, you either need to come to grips with it, or help him find something better. Eventually it will come down to what he wants to do or the hours. If you force him to do something else, though, you’re asking for him to become resentful towards you. What are you going to school for? Could you support him for a few years while he went back to school for something? UPS hires tons of people in supply chain management–if it’s logistics he likes (yes i hear the theme song), plus the stability of the company, he could work there, but with a different path. If it’s the driving, well, you’ll get that in any driving field.

It sounds like he works two jobs to pay the bills and put food on the table. You aren’t contributing to the bills, so until that happens (which, you don’t live with him, so it doesn’t), he probably needs the money! Frankly, 40K a year isn’t easy to come by without a college degree, though, so that is probably why he works two jobs for less pay. Does UPS have a tuition reimbursement program? it’s a big company so I’d think they would. He should take advantage of that.

Honestly, we each choose our own futures. Sometimes we compromise for our spouses. Sometimes we don’t. It’s hard to ask someone to give up their dream job, whether it’s working for the UPS or being a doctor, without there being problems.

A job cant love him the way I do is the way I see it : (

Frankly, if you don’t like your job, all the love in the world from your spouse doesn’t make it easier. Love doesn’t fix everything. I think that’s a very idealistic way to look at the situation.

Post # 7
Member
3758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t see my Fiance very much either. Right now he is jumping at any work he can get so he can save money for me and our daughter to live off of when he is gone. Then he will be in the Marine Corp so yea… I hope you work things out =)

Post # 8
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I am fortunate to be with someone who knows how much my job means to me even though he has a different work ethic or isn’t as passionate about his job as I am about mine. During certain times of the year he doesn’t get to see me very much, some months I work 60+ hours a week, some months I spend the majority of my time traveling for work. Sometimes I am just so tired and stressed from working that I cannot come home, make myself dinner let alone something for him, or do dishes, or clean laundry…and he takes care of it all for me.

It is very important that you come to some sort of agreememnt about this before marriage. We have one day a week that is considered our “date” day and as long as I am in town it is a day for the two of us. We both have it off of work every week, and if I need to go in or he wants to see his friends or we decide to have dinner with our parents it is something we have to ask the other person about. Maybe something like this would work for you and your Fiance so that you get to see him and feel more appreciated without him having to give up one of his jobs or on his goal.

Post # 9
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

all he wants in life is to be a driver for UPS

ok, i dont get it but i can understand wanting to like (or love) your job – working is a huge chunk out of your daily life and as i tell the younger ones that i work with, if you are not happy at work then everything else can be pretty miserable

are there any other programs/jobs he can do to help him move into the job he wants or another position within the company to get his foot in the door and then work on a plan to get him where he wants to be? 

 

Post # 10
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I spend March-September with my husband working in different states, and only seeing him 2-3 times over that entire period.  If you love someone, you make it work.

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Well, my situation is different. Don’t get me wrong, my Fiance works A LOT. (Read: 7 days a week) But, it was something we discussed first. Our wedding was originally going to be in 2012, but, neither of us wanted to wait 2.5 years to get married. So, in order to save enough for the wedding we want, he got a second job. He will probably keep it for about 6 months after we get married, so we can save for a house more quickly. After that, it will be back to normal hours. We agreed that it was something we could deal with for a year or so, but certainly not for a decade. 

Another point of view is that he might not be choosing his job over you, but he is trying to work hard and save for your future together.

Post # 12
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Holy cow, your man is definitely dedicated to his work! In bed at 1:00am and up at 6:30am? How the heck does he do it? Wow, that is a really tough schedule, and I don’t blame you for questioning a future where you’ll hardly get to spend any waking hours with him.

Is it possible for him to quit his truck driving job and work an earlier and longer shift with UPS? That way he can stay on the wait list, but still earn enough money and work more normal hours. Does he have to work for UPS? Can he find something similar with another courier company that has a shorter wait list or more reasonable hours?

It’s great that he has dreams for his career, but he must understand how hard it is for you. I think another bee suggested premarital counselling. I agree that it might help to talk over your expectations and long term plans with a neutral third party. Don’t give up yet anyway… not until you’ve really given this a fair discussion (that means talking it over thoroughly and calmly, no screaming or bawling!). There’s still hope.

When Darling Husband and I were dating, he told me he would never, ever choose a girl over his career. It took time and lots of tense discussions, but he eventually came around. He quit his job where he was making $80,000/year to come live with me in Canada, and is now starting his career over from square one. He had to realize on his own that money couldn’t make him happy as long as he was apart from me.

Post # 14
Member
2142 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My FH- never. He doesn’t really care for his job but he needs basic programming job experience to be a systems architect. While he values the money that comes in, and his boss has been getting on his case to work (unpaid) overtime, he has chosen to give up his lunch breaks so that he can be home for the evening and weekends.

We’ve agreed to be understanding about each other’s careers. He’s going to be a contractor again for several years when we move for my MA program and will have to follow where I can get job as my field is much, much smaller than his.

I second what a PP said about counseling. I highly recommend it. A several week couples’ program would also work, in conjunction, if you had the time.

Post # 15
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Chiotilidieo: I don’t think it sounds bitchy of you to complain, it’s definitely a valid concern that affects your relationship and your life together! Talking through this and looking at the future together (as in 2 years for the wedding, 5-10 years for kids, retiring, etc) may help to see what your individual goals are and what your goals as a couple are and how his dream can fit into it. Or he may realize that sacrificing that much time with his wife/kids is not worth the brown truck. However, you did mention that he could ‘settle’ for a different job. It may be good to think about how you’d feel if the situation were reversed and he was asking you to settle and change your dream. 

I still do recommend the couples counseling or sessions with your officiant, whatever is more comfortable to you. These kinds of life choices are pretty big and fundamental, and it is much better to analyze these issues and face them head on and early. Best of luck to you.

Post # 16
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

Glad I stumbled upon this.  My bf is a chef at a really high level in NYC.  I bring him to the train at 5:30 in the morning, go home, take care of the furbaby and get ready for work or school, do both of those full time and pick him up at the train around 7:00 – 8:00 at night.  But….he comes home, we walk our dog together, shower, make dinner together, watch the shows we DVR’d, play kinect.  Then we usually go to bed around 1am (obviously, since I’m typing this right now, lol) and get up and do it all over again.  But we do have the weekends together.  We’ve managed to make this life leisurely and full of bonding and sharing.  It isn’t easy, but I also work hospitality, so on Saturdays when he has off, I’m in work at 2:00 pm and out around 2:00 am (working at all of our weddings, ladies!) so he is understanding to me as well.

We’ve always said that unless you work in hospitality you just cannot be in a relationship with someone that works our crazy hours.  Over the last 7 or so years we’ve had opposite schedules, the same exact schedules and even worked at the same place together!  In the future I’ll be working in a different field and traveling more, so I guess we have more compromise ahead.  If his dream is important to him you should really support it if you can.  See if you can get a part time job that coincides with his schedule so you have more time together.  Or maybe when you graduate you’ll be able to work around it.  Who says dinner has to be at 5pm?  We eat at 10pm all the time!  Good luck.

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