To @Lh6: First and foremost I see that this is your DEBUT post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”
This topic comes up pretty often on WBee.
And you’ll see that people are in one of two camps…
NO ONE TELLS ME Who I Can or Cannot Be Friends With
OR
Boundaries Work For Us
I happen to be very firmly in the latter camp.
Part of the reason is because I am an Older Bee, so have seen a lot of life… and a lot of heartache…
Not only my own, but a lot of other people’s as well.
There is nothing wrong with having Friends. Mr TTR & I have lots of friends… BUT the majority of our friends are same-sex friends of our own… or couple friends.
We have an agreement (NOT a Rule per se) because it truly was something we agreed upon quite easily from the get go in our Relationship, because in reality BOTH of us had seen the same scenarios many time.
We socialize with our same-sex friends however we please. We socialize with opposite sex friends in a group or as couples. WE DON’T SOCIALIZE ONE-ON-ONE WITH OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDS
Now many will say this is because we don’t TRUST each other.
But in reality, it is that WE DON’T TRUST ANYONE ELSE WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP
We trust each other implicitly. But other people… not so much
Too often we’ve seen instances in our pasts where other couples have LOST their relationships or had major struggles because an opposite sex friend got the wrong impression and went too far… be it by saying something, or making a pass.
That makes things extremely awkward for all
And potentially brings the Friendship to a halt… and can also put the Relationship that you have with your Partner at risk when all is revealed… “What ?? You must have done something” as it opens up doubt etc.
Not because you don’t TRUST your guy… but because doubt / jealousy can be evil emotions that can eat their way into even the best relationships if the conditions are right
(ie Tell me it bothers me… Don’t tell me it will bother me more)
Just not worth it. We don’t risk our relationship… we treasure it too much.
So Mr TTR & I both respect these boundaries… and there are ALWAYS other people around.
In the rare instance that something comes up and one of us finds ourselves alone with someone of the opposite sex in a “social” context… then we let the other person know… so that there is no misunderstandings, or info passed along 2nd hand.
“I ran into My Ex Wife at the Grocery Store today… we talked about the kids”
“I ran into Bob at the Gas Station… his car broke down… so I am giving him a ride home”
etc
Total transparency. No vagueness.
— — —
As for the situation you describe… here is how I see it.
First Boundaries have to be negotiated / agreed upon. They can not be FORCED upon the other person. BOTH people have to see the value in preserving the relationship from harm.
All affairs begin the same way… the same way infact as any relationship… thru spending time one on one together and sharing experiences… most affairs begin as emotional cheating long before there is any physical cheating
This is WHY people make that dumb but true confession “I don’t know it just happened”
One on one socializiing / going to dinner is called A DATE in my world. Period.
Time one on one in one’s home etc, is called HANGING OUT
Going out with a gang of friends or work colleagues in a public venue is called “Getting Together” or “a Business Meet Up”
— — —
Sure some may call me old-school… but a lot of men when asked will admit that more often than not when a guy hangs with a woman it is because he is “potentially interested”
He likes the EGO boost… he likes thinking “one day” this could be a possibilty
Steve Harvey talks about this in his Book… Straight Talk, No Shooter and has on his Tv show and in many Interviews
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0-e5MWnjic
As women we are pretty naive to this fact… we truly believe that a guy can just be a friend like our GFs can
In reality Men are not wired the same as women… Men are wired as men. Their Sexual Egos are HUGE.
This isn’t to say that women cannot hang out with men and be inappropriate either. Cause that certainly happens. There have been posts here on WBee where women trusted their men totally… but then one day they discovered that the woman who was his “best friend” actually had a HUGE crush on him, and it was causing issues.
Issues brought forward cause “the friend” made things awkward by saying or doing something inappropriate, and then the Man had to have a conversation with his Girlfriend / Fiancé / Wife that made the whole situation worse.
So my best advice…
IF you LOVE your man… and your man loves you. Don’t TELL him what he has to do… set the Boundary Line together as a way of INSULATING YOUR RELATIONSHIP from the rest of the world.
PS… This is sort of a dealbreaker for me & Mr TTR. It was something we spoke of early on when we were establishing our Dating Style / Parameters. IF it was an area we saw differently, I think it is something that would have had us questioning the seriousness of the other person, and their willingness to put THIS RELATIIONSHIP first. So ya would have been a Dealbreaker from the get go.
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