Post # 1
If you and your SO talk about building a future together i.e., where you guys will live in the next 2-3 years, and kids, but never actually talk about “Marriage”, is he actually intending on marriage?
A little background: My SO will stay in my city for me after his job training is over this year, rather than go to back to the Mid-west which would pay him twice what he would make here. We’ve talked about where we live next year, our incomes, and children in the future.
We’re pretty close and really love each other but haven’t really talk about the “M” word. Although, he did once say (while we were both drinking a lot) that he would propose to me in the next 6 months.
Curious about your thoughts.
Post # 3
Ask him not us!! In all seriousness if you guys planning your futures together, this is something that you need to talk to him about. Asking him if marriage is in his plan is not pushy or nagging. In my opinion it would be irresponsible NOT to discuss this as a couple before you commit to making life plans.
Post # 4
@happyb: Hard to say. You’re never going to know for sure unless you (or he) asks though. If you’re talking about moving across the country I think it’s a completely fair question. Just ask the next time moving comes up, “do you think we’ll be buying a house together and we’ll be married?” or “how long do you want to be married before we have kids?” If he’s bringing these topics up he’s clearly not afraid of them. I’m all for the gentle, direct approach (not hint dropping) and finding out what he’s really thinking. If he says, “yes” to any of the questions you raise, let it be. He’s obviously thinking about it. If he says “no” or “I don’t know” dig a little deeper and find out if marriage is on the table. There’s no way I would move out of state before at least being engaged!
Post # 5
@Artichokey: We both live in NYC, and he will stay here for me rather then move back to the mid-west which is where he is from. I have no plans on moving which he understands.
Post # 6
I guess you just need to point blank ask him, if all this talk about being together involves marriage at some point and roll with it from there. I asked my husband a similiar question years ago. He looked at me like i was stupid and said, “why would i build a life with you if i wasn’t going to marry you?” So….just ask.
Post # 7
Wow, thanks guys. This is really helpful.
Post # 8
This reminds me of a researcher that my mom sent me an article about. It relates to the issue of consciously deciding to spend your lives together or just taking the next step and staying together because that’s what seems natural. I’m not trying to be judgmental at all, but I think you and your SO need to talk about your futures and what you want, and make sure you’re on the same pages with expectations about marriage and your future.
For me we have talked about our future a lot, and decided to get married. It’s a weird spot to be in because I know we will be engaged and married, and that’s what we want, but he still hasn’t officially asked with a ring. We had a similar situation where we recently graduated school and were potentially relocating. That made us really look hard at our relationship and where it was going, and reaffirmed at we wanted to get married.
Here’s more information on the issue of actively deciding about marriage: http://www.slidingvsdeciding.blogspot.com/
Post # 9
I first asked “do you see yourself getting married?” “Yeah. Despite the stuff with my parents, I think marriage is still a valuable institution.”
Then “What do you see as your timeline for getting married?” “I always pictured dating someone for two years before deciding.” (8 months off at the time – I can deal with that.)
Then a lengthy argument when he told someone else we’d get engaged after we were both settled and stably employed – 5 years off with my plans at the time. Talked about when I have to stop having kids, and he realized I couldn’t wait until I have my master’s if we want multiple kids. Settled on one year window for engagement or I’m out of here.
Then “you’re confusing me – referring to me as a girlfriend years down the line, referring to my brother as a future BIL, being shocked when someone asks when we’ll get married, talking about how we’re going to raise our kids. If I get a job on the other coast, I can’t move out there without knowing where we stand.” “I already know when I’m proposing. I would have already done so, but I know you wanted to meet my family first.” I’m meeting his family around Thanksgiving, so there’s a clear “it’ll be at LEAST x months.” We also talked wedding party, bachelor/bachelorette parties, and kids names – he’s naming boys, I’m naming girls, but he OK’d Charlie and vetoed Rebecca.
So… I brought it up a little at a time. Worked well.
Post # 10
@happyb… I’m not sure if your last comment was actually thanking people for being helpful or annoyed b/c you don’t like the responses that you’re receiving.
At any rate, it IS hard to say w/o asking him since there are a lot of people choosing to live their lives together and make a family without getting married. I don’t know him; I don’t know if he’s the kind of guy that would assume automatically that marriage is a no-brainer for raising kids etc or if he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t believe in marriage.
The fact that you said he DID say he would propose leads me to believe that he’s at least thought about it. But, the only way to know for sure is to ask him. sorry.
Personally, I would never take a job @ 1/2 the salary level and away from my family and friends if I didn’t intend on marrying someone…
Post # 11
My answer to posts like this is TALK TO YOUR SO. He cannot read your mind and we can’t decipher it for him. Communication is key.
But if you describe your relationship as “pretty close”, i’m tempted to say you may not be ready for the next step….he may just want to stick around and see how things fare, depending on how long you’ve been together. I’d be willing to stick it out a little….if i had a job in that city, at least. Otherwise, it’d be LDR for me!
Post # 12
@miss starry night- I am genuinely thankful for the comments I’ve gotten. They are helpful because they help me to think of thing which I hadn’t.
Me and my SO have a very easy and free flowing relationship. We haven’t had any major problems, and I’ve never had a reason to doubt him. Call me crazy but I trust his intentions- maybe I’m naive.
I figured that I would bring it up by our next anniversary- if it hadn’t happened already.
Anyway, my natural inclination is that I will just let things flow and happen naturally. I don’t want to rush him. I respect his own process of handling things.
Post # 13
Do you know his feelings about marriage in general? If he’s not anti-marriage, I’m willing to bet that to him, marriage is implied in building a life together.
Post # 14
I think you should him down maybe with a glass of wine, and have a honest to heart talk about expectations and timeline. But it seems that he’s at least thinking about it.
Post # 15
Yes, he believes in marriage. As I said above, I do think it will happen, but was curious if others have ever felt this way.
Post # 16
We planned our future and briefly talked about marriage as weird as that may sound. We bought a house together and while I pushed it marriage a lot i shouldnt have been because the whole time he was planning it in his head. he didnt want me to think about it because he really want to surprise me. so maybe that is what is going to happen! maybe he will surprise you!