(Closed) Does he just need more time? [Long]

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

peachykeener:  

I don’t think time is going to solve your problems.

 I think you need to talk to each other to figure out why he feels he’s no longer in love with you (while you were expecting a proposal.)

Post # 5
Member
338 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry! This sounds horrible and an awful way to wake up and go to sleep each night. I can’t handle that kind of uncertainty. For me, I would not be able to look past the fact that we’d been together for four years and he still expected me to hang around waiting on him to see if he ever feels “sure” again that he actually wants to be with me. After four years, if he’s not only not sure, but actually telling you that he doesn’t see a future with you, I don’t see what else there is to discuss and wait out. He knows you. You know him. You love him and want to make the relationship work. He doesn’t. I prefer confrontation over letting things fester so I would ask him point blank: Do you see us working this out? If he wavers, or says “maybe after more time” then decide if you’d rather waste your time hoping on a maybe, or trust your best friend and roommate at his word that he’s no longer part of your team. 

Post # 6
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

peachykeener:  Your situation is stinky.. I was told when I was young that I’d have 3 great loves in my life. I didn’t believe it then and I’m still leery on the idea now (If it’s true then I’m on #3 now and we’re planning on marriage so hey, maybe)… But it makes sense. I had a love that lasted too long when I was young where I was staying with him because I loved him, but I was no longer in love with him (easier to stay). Your relationship sounds a little like that to me… Sure we still had fun and did things together but on the inside it wasn’t enough for me, I wasn’t in it to win it anymore. That sounds like the position your SO might be in… Right now you should be focusing on yourself as much as poissible, for your sanity and to give him some space. Hang out with girlfriends, continue to work out and practice a hobby of yours or find a new one. He needs space and you need something to do while things shake out.

I don’t know the right answer for you and I’m sure it’s not clear to you right now either.. but if he continues to say things like he isn’t sure and he loves you but.. then you need to put yourself first and find a way to separate your life from his. Save your money once you’re working so you have an option to leave if it becomes apparent that its time.

Post # 7
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I think you both need to talk about why you are on such different pages. Giving it time probably won’t solve any problems, and will make you both more resentful. I would pick a time to talk so both of you can think about what it is that you want to say, and then try and make it a calm, rational conversation so you both really hear each other. 

Post # 8
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Ouch.

So I don’t think time and you “waiting it out” is going to make a difference. I think he’s so hung up on the familiar and not rocking the boat that he’s not being honest/direct with you about his feelings.

I could NEVER just stay there and live in the same place as someone that just told me that they weren’t sure if they were in love with me and I sure wouldn’t be hoping that he would change his mind. Thats not something you would hope to change someone’s mind about. I waited for 6 years for an engagement and never once did my husband tell me he wasn’t sure about me. He just wasn’t ready and he made sure I knew that he always planned on marrying me but he wasn’t ready for it yet.

He could have said something like I’m not ready, I don’t have the money, I want to wait awhile longer, etc… but to say that what he said about not being in love with you means that the issue isn’t moving forward, the issue is moving forward with YOU. He’s not certain about YOU. The fact that he’s let you believe all of these things were going to happen *soon* and then they never came, means that he’s uncertain about your future and it really sounds like he’s gotten complacent and comfortable and doesn’t want you to leave while “he figures it out” but he also doesn’t want to make a commitment to you.

I wouldn’t be sitting at home waiting on him to make all of these decisions and you just hanging on waiting on his every word. If someone I lived with, loved, and was expecting a proposal from told me that he wasn’t sure he was in love with me, I certaintly wouldnt hang around waiting for him to figure it out. You either love someone or you don’t and after 4 years hes already had enough time to figure that out. I think you’re wasting a lot of time here and setting yourself up for even more heartbreak.

Post # 9
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m really sorry you’re going through this.  I hope I’m not overstepping boundaries, but I’m going to offer you the advice that I would hope someone would give me in this situation.

It’s over.  Time isn’t going to solve this.  Time is more of a way to ease into the break up.  I went through this with my ex.  We started uncoupling until he moved out and further uncoupled in the weeks following the move.  We grew apart (and probably were never right. . .we were both just single and happened to meet at a time when we wanted to be in a relationship)

I don’t think you did anything wrong and I don’t think pressuring him to propose caused the rift.  I know there are plenty of Bees who think waiting silently is the noble path to engagement.  I can’t imagine the wimp of a man who would marry someone due to pressure.  If they don’t want to marry you, they simply won’t.  You aren’t holding a gun to his head, you’re participating in the planning of your future.  If they do want to marry you, a few waiting mopes aren’t going to make them wake up and say “gee, I wanted to marry this woman, but she moped and got a smidge impatient so I’m going to break up with her instead”.  

Don’t chase a man who isn’t sure if he’s in love with you.  There’s someone out there who will be.

Post # 10
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

You’re too young and this relationship isn’t foundationally strong enough to be fighting and slaving over this the way you have been doing.

No sex for 6 weeks? I think that speaks loud enough considering your age.

I had a very similar university relationship… 2 1/2 years together with some rough patches. 

It sounds absolutely awful to say but eventually I said to myself ‘Why am I sitting here at 20 years old feeling like I’m going to get marriage counselling? I could get a date and new boyfriend within a week if I wanted to’ and then I did. I left that relationship because frankly, we were young and not worth it.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that this guy is not committing to you anytime soon. There is no ring on the horizon – and quite frankly I don’t see why you would want a ring.

You’re young – obviously smart and I bet beautiful. Don’t feel because you’ve ‘invested’ 4 years you can’t leave this relationship.

Your 23, with no serious future on the horizon and unhappy … why are you still in the relationship? He is obviously sending you a signal that he doesn’t see the future with you but is too comfortable to leave. You deserve more than to be someones comfort blanket. 

Post # 11
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you pressuring him “caused” this at all. If he was as serious about you as you are about him, it wouldn’t have been an issue–and obviously he isn’t.

It’s up to you what kind of relationship you want to be in, but if it were me, I wouldn’t wait this one out. You’re young and have so much ahead of you that’s better than sort-of being with someone who you have to try to tone down your romantic feelings for.

Post # 13
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

Also wanted to add that I’ve read through all your previous threads.. this relationship has been dying/dead for a very long time. I’m sorry that you’re in this situation, but maybe its best you let go. 

Post # 14
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Personally I wouldn’t ready to commit marriage to anyone when I was 20 (the age you started to suggest it). I think this is a Classic case of he knows it’s not right by is too chicken/lazy to end it himself. Start over.  I know it’s painful no matter what the age, but you are so young! This relationship is not working.

Post # 15
Member
2057 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I didn’t read your prior threads or don’t remember them but this thread alone sounds like you are wasting your time. You’ve invested four years now with someone who still isn’t sure about you. I feel like this relationship is about to implode with him already telling you he isn’t sure you have a future all the while you live together and have so many ties. I wish my ex had told me sooner that he didn’t think I was the one. As painful as it eventually was and as much as I never understood it, I wasted too much time. The only bright side is had we not broken up right when we did I wouldn’t have met my new SO who is amazing for me.

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