(Closed) Does he just see me as a hook up or is this what dating is?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee

Don’t assume he isn’t seeing someone else just because he took down his online profile.  This has only been going on for a month.  I would not say you are exclusive.  Want to find out if he likes you?  Go on a date and then do not go back to his house.  I’m afraid this is just sex to him.  I would be concerned that his longest “relationship” was a month and a half.  That is not really a relationship to me…

Post # 4
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Since he is a pilot, maybe his work schedule prevents him from having a lot of phone time. I wouldn’t assume that there is noone else in the mix, since this has not been going on for a long time, but like @Sunflower–girl: suggested, why not go on a date and then not go back to his house? If he is only interested in hooking up he will probably not contact you again after that. I read an article about this once in a magazine – once you hook up too early, you can’t take it back, but you can slow down how fast the potential relationship is going by not falling into a pattern of only going to his house and hooking up. Try doing things together that won’t present an opportunity for sex and see where it goes.

Post # 5
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Sunflower–girl: I disagree with you. Everyone needs a first relationship and because he hasn’t been in one before doesn’t mean this can’t go anywhere.

I think him taking his profile down is a good sign – a step in the right direction. You two have only been seeing each other for a month, which is not a lot, so I wouldn’t be worried about not meeting his friends yet.

I will be honest, I don’t know much about dating in the adult world either because of the way my relationships turned out.  But he seems like a nice guy. I understand though how you would be having doubts now because you moved fast on the sex thing.

I would say keep on dating him and get to know him better and see where it goes from there – without sex in the equation.

 

Post # 6
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Hmm, this is tricky, because well, dating is tricky.  In my opinion, you are 1/2 of whatever this ‘thing’ is between you two.  This means you are absolutely entitled to get answers.  The only person who will provide those are him, however.  We can speculate all we want, but at the end of the day, they are only assumptions. 

I would ask him, sooner rather than later, what ‘this’ is.  What his hopes are with you, and/or what he wants for himself.  I know it can seem like a lot of pressure, but if he runs the other way, then he is probably not the one.  Of course, maybe make it clear that you do not need a solid commitment at this time, but just re-assurance that you are on the same ‘page’. 

I did it with my SO about 3 weeks into our ‘thing’, and it was then we agreed we were not sleeping with anyone else.  2-3 weeks later, we made it ‘official’!! 

Follow your gut instincts, because your ‘gut’ cannot rationalize like your head and heart can!!

Post # 7
Member
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

If you’ve only started seeing each other about a month ago, and YOU told him you were not looking for anything too serious, I think you need to slow down on your expectations for the relationship.

If he’s calling you every 3-5 days, that’s a couple of times a week, which really isn’t that bad for someone who is busy (I’m assuming a pilot would be busy); also, again, you did say you weren’t looking for anything too serious, so he might be taking it slow so as not to scare you off. 

He took down his online profile and he made sure the two of you got together before you left for two weeks. I think that shows some signs of definite interest. If he were only in it for a hook-up, his profile would still be active, and he probably wouldn’t have made the effort to see you before you left, but rather waited to hook-up when you returned. 

Since you’re only a month into it, I’d wait to see if he starts contacting you more often in the next month. Let him know that you really enjoy spending time with him. Just let it take it’s natural course for the next month to see if anything changes… I would also do as others have suggested and do some things that don’t involve returning to his place afterwards. 

You set the stage by saying you’re not looking for something too serious, so now you need to give it a bit more time to see to allow the ‘rules’ to change.

As an aside… In the future you shouldn’t tell a man you aren’t looking for something too serious, because that really isn’t altogether true. I get a sense that you do ultimately want an exclusive, serious relationship. You don’t seem like the type to just go out with a man for the fun of it no strings attached. Be upfront and tell them that you’re looking for a relationship but that you’re willing to let the right relationship develop naturally. That way, if a guy is just looking for a hook up, he won’t waste your time or his. 

Post # 8
Member
3104 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think you should be dating other people. you are young and have already been married and divorced- what’s the rush to get serious?? you’re acting like he’s the prize- you’re the prize. let him chase you a little.

and while it may be hard to practice, i stand by patti stanger’s advice: no sex until monogomy. i am a bit older and have found that if i build something emotionally before all the sex stuff comes, the relationship grows in a better, more linear fashion.

one last thing, pilots are notorious for having a lady in every city 🙂

Post # 9
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

@ladyluckystars: Wait. You’re 21, and you were in a relationship for seven years *with marriage*?

Date around. Don’t settle. You’ve spent all of your adolescence and early adult life with a man — and for most of it, the same man.

Have fun. Be single. See what it is that *you* like to do, and what makes you happy. Don’t worry about what a guy thinks of you. Worry about what you think of you.

Post # 10
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

You are only 21 and have been married?? Were with the same guy for 7 years??

Don’t give this guy another thought. If he wants to be with you then he will contact you. You for sure shouldn’t be sleeping with him anymore. That will be a good sign for what he wants from you.

Also to me, the fact that he doesn’t contact you more often then 3 to 5 days kinda makes me think of the book/movie He’s just not that into you.

Take a break and just be you. 

Post # 11
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@bluesgirl: I was thinking the same thing – 21, but married in the past for 7 years??

My rule when it comes to relationships is never to assume, unless you verbally make it official – you two are both single.

Plus, you guys are still very much in the getting to know each other stage & trying to decide if you want to have a relationship. It’s still too early, IMO.

Post # 12
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You guys are just getting to know each other. He might be dating other people, or view it as more casual. You didn’t exactly start things off on a “looking for something serious” note. Keep seeing him and see where it goes. Sometimes relationships fizzle, sometimes they become exclusive. If you feel weird about sleeping with him, don’t do it anymore until you’re in a committed relationship.

Post # 13
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Only calling you every 3-5 days after sleeping together and about a month of dating usually means he is intentionally keeping you at a distance. You may have ruined things by sleeping with him so early, unfortuantley as feminist as I want to be, it’s really up to us to make them wait in order to keep them interested. And that’s exactly it – he’s probably just not that interested in you anymore now that you’ve given it up. If he was, you would be hearing from him every day for sure.

It’s up to you what you want to do at this point. If you are enjoying the interaction, then go ahead and keep it going. But if you want something more in general and are feeling hurt that he doesn’t, I would cut it off right now.

Post # 14
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Well this is a tricky situation. I think the only way to know what is going on, what he is looking for and such is to ask. I agree with the other ladies if you want to know if its just about sex, then stop having sex with him. I think that If you said that you werent looking for anything serious then maybe he really thinks that you dont want to be a gf or anything like that. IF your expectations have changed then you need to let him know that so he can decide if he wants to stick around or not. Keep in mind though that you guys have only been dating for a month. Take things slow. Especially because you are fresh out of a relationship and it could be hard for him with his job to start a relationship or to keep one going. That could be why his longest relationship is about a month and a half. He may not know how to keep the flame going or whatever. Like talking to you everyday. I think that if it is bothering you that much then you guys should have a casual talk about what you want to be.

Post # 15
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Some guys aren’t that great with communication. My Fiance was the same way when we first dated. He didn’t msg/call me much and it was usually me doing it. It bothered me a bit in the beginning but I realized it was because it’s just not how he was. He always msged back or emailed back and when we were actually together he was 100% attentive. We also didn’t talk about “where this was going” or if we even liked each other. Sometimes adult relationships just flow. Of course, at some point you do talk about it but I would say it doesn’t always happen in the early months. 

My Fiance is still the same. He msgs me on/off at time if he’s away on business but he just isn’t “that guy”. I know he loves me and thinks of me through other things he shows me so honestly I don’t even think about it. I just msg him and ask him how he is etc.

Post # 16
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Don’t worry about what his feelings are. Worry about your own. And don’t let just this one ‘successful, hardworking’ guy take over your life. Why don’t you date around? He is out of town quite often. What then? You just wait around for him? For what?

Since you already told him that you are not looking for anything serious, that is your cue to yourself that you should go out with multiple men and choose. You can tell them all that you are not serious. If they get bitchy if they find out you are going out with other guys, then u can tell ’em that u already said u weren’t serious. And if they wanted to get serious, they should have told you.

Now read that second paragraph except from this pilot’s point of view. He has been told by you that you are not serious. So therefore, he can play around with you and other women. Maybe those other days that he is not calling u, he is calling somebody else.

 

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