Post # 1
I posted this in the Long Distance section but realized it is not just a LDR problem but a general relationship problem. Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated!
I started dating my bf 3 years ago, we met when we were living in different cities and spent 3 months away from each other which was fine. He wanted to talk to me all the time, he loved me, etc. He was also in Kuwait and Iraq last year but we were not together because I found out he was still talking to his ex behind my back so I broke up with him 2 days before he left. That’s a whole other story. Anyways, while he was gone he emailed me and called me as much as he good, told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, and successfully tried to get me back. I have done a lot of healing alone and we have done a lot of work together. As of this summer when he was finally home, I wasn’t sure it was going to work because of the broken trust. The 3 weeks before we moved him up to Boston for business school were wonderful. I finally felt completely in love with him again and I knew without a doubt that he was all I wanted. He was acting the same way. Talking sweetly to me, sad about leaving me and us being apart etc. I wasn’t worried about the LDR at all because I just wanted to be with him and I am fine having my own time especially when I know we will be together at the end. It has been a week, ONE WEEK and I’m already feeling like crap and feeling like my heart is broken. He is acting different. He’s not acting like he was and he can’t see the difference. He takes hours to answer my sweet text messages. On Sunday night he went to a dinner for school which I knew about, last text I got from him was at 9:30, over 4 hours after I sent him a text telling him I loved him and missed him, then I tried to call him at 12:30 and 1:00 AM before I went to sleep and got no answer and no return call. Found out the next morning he was out drinking. And he just doesn’t understand why I’m upset. He doesn’t call to say good night, when I do talk to him I’m just a burden and an annoyance. I have tried incessantly to explain to him that I am acting however I am because I am hurting, he has heard me cry multiple times, etc. But he just thinks he isn’t acting different and that I’m just freaking out and can’t handle being in a LDR. That’s not the problem!!!! The problem is that he was so in love with me when he had no friends up there and nothing to do, he wanted to talk to me all the time when he was alone in Kuwait and Iraq. But when he has other things going on, I feel like I am last on the list of importance. I just don’t get it. I know he loves me, maybe he just doesn’t love me enough. I just can’t deal with the fact that I opened up to him and let myself be completely in love with him again to just have this happen.
I’m sorry that this probably makes no sense and that I’m just ranting about random things. But has anyone else had this problem? Is it just not going to work or are we just in an adjusting period? Does he just not love me that much and want to spend the rest of his life with me like I thought? Am I just there for his convenience and he loves me so much and wants to give me attention when there is nothing else going on in his life? Because that is not real love to me. Any advice would be appreciated. I’m just hurting so bad that I let this boy back into my life after he hurt me and I thought he loved me and that the proposal would be in the next year (he was going to propose in december until I broke up with him) and we would live happily ever after. We are both 27 and I am not willing to just have a relationship for fun anymore. I want to be with someone who will love me for the rest of my life (if that’s even possible in this day and age). I have had my heart broken so many times. It’s too hard to keep opening up only to be crushed again.
Post # 3
I think maybe it’s time for you to leave him and move on. He keeps hurting you and is unrepentant, thinks you’re the problem, etc. As much as it hurts (I’ve been in this situation myself), it seems like the relationship is just not a priority to him anymore. 🙁 Big hugs…stay strong.
Post # 4
I think you know the answer to this already…. seeing that you titled this post the way you did…
Post # 5
Oh love. It seems like he in one way, took it as a fresh start for ye, after the break up, and while he was calling & texting you a lot while on his own, maybe he didn’t realise you’d need the texts, rather than enjoy them? If you know what I mean? Like he got you into the habit of hearing from him all the time, but he didn’t realise it was a requirement?
TBH if Fiance goes out without me, which is rare enough, really, I never contact him after – I wait for him to contact me. His sis haunts her fella when he goes out, and I wouldn’t want to be the girl they’re rolling their eyes about!
I just dunno if you can rebuild your trust in this guy. It seems to be very fragile.
Post # 6
I think I dated this guy once…or his twin.
A guy friend of mine pointed out that this boyfriend just wanted a “girlfriend in a box.” A what? A girlfriend who is just sitting (figuratively, of course!) in a box on a shelf in a guy’s closet that he gets out when he needs a date for something, when he feels like spending time with her, or when he has no “better” plans. The rest of the time, he puts her back in her “box” on your closet shelf. And if she objects? It’s her fault, It’s all in her head. She is too demanding.
Yeah…it’s an awful feeling. I finally decided I was tired of being kept in that box on his closet shelf, only being taken out when it was convenient for HIM.
The happy ending? I ended up marrying the guy friend who pointed this out to me. 🙂 You can bet he never treats me like that.
You are worth more than this. You need to be a priority to him. You do need to let him know that you don’t feel like you are. If he can show you (with his actions, not just by words, then all is good. If not, and your really aren’t a priority to him..do you really want to be with him?
Post # 7
I have been in a long distance relationship with my fiance for several years (throughout college), and I never felt that way :/…just letting you know my take on it. However, I have seen girls feel the way you do, while being in a LDR, and it did not work. It aggravates the guy that he is feeling “nagged” and it is hurting the girl (you, in this case) that he is not available more often to talk. Is your heartache worth it? That is all you need to ask yourself.
Post # 8
Thank you all for the advice!!! No I will not stay in this if it doesn’t change I absolutely will not so don’t worry about that! I just can’t figure it out. Why is he all about me one day then not the next?? It is annoying. I want stability.
@Neva: I absolutely love the gf in a box thing! That is how I feel!!!! I just don’t understand why he would spend a year trying to get me back and when he finally does, we have 3 amazing weeks and then I am not a priority. I can’t figure it out.
The heartache is not worth it, I just can’t figure out if this is just an adjustment period or if his feelings are just going away…I’m angry that I allowed myself to have full on feelings for him again after protecting myself for so long. I shouldn’t have taken my walls down. But the problem is, nothing will ever work if you keep walls up and I know I will be like that with any guy…
Post # 9
When drinking comes before girlfriends, it is the worst feeling. On top of that you’re in a LDR, so it’s even worse. It’s only been one week at school and this is already happening. I think you may be in line for it to happen even more once he gets even more carried away with his drinking buddies. Be careful. Give it a few weeks to see if this is a one off thing or if it is a permanent change in him. If it doesn’t get any better, it never will.
Post # 10
You shouldn’t ever have to wonder if someone you are with loves you. Time to move on!
Post # 11
If you have to ask someone else if he loves you then its probably not enough.
Post # 12
I’m going to disagree with everyone just a little bit. Let me start by saying I totally understand exactly where you’re coming from. I’ve been there, done that, and I think I might have the t-shirt to prove it. I feel for you. Seriously.
But! There’s always a catch, right? You do need to cut this guy a little bit of a break. Yes, when he was super lonely he was talking to you constantly. But wouldn’t you rather him have a bit of a life than just sit around all day pining for you? I mean, think about it in that direction for a moment. Would you rather have him be miserable and lonely and get to talk to him all the time, or would you rather have him be happy and talk to him slightly less?
This next thing I say, I say with love. And with the admission that I was the same way. So it’s not a judgement on you at all. You’re being a bit clingy. He needs to have a life where he is and the two of you need to find a healthy balance between your own lives that you’re living right now and the relationship you are having together. That is easily said and not easily done. And I apologize because I know it’s not simple advice. But it’s honest advice.
And here’s what I would do (and finally did do, in the end) in your situation. Stop texting. Stop calling. Stop trying to get in touch with him. And I mean everywhere. No texts, no voicemails, no calls, no facebook messages, no email…. NADA. Just sit back and wait for him to miss you. Let him see what it is that he’s missing. Let him appreciate what you mean to him by making him feel it. If you don’t give him the space to miss you and see where you fit in his life, then this relationship is heading for splitsville for sure. Make him miss you. And if he doesn’t? Then you were right, move on. But if he does? Then you know that what you need to do is find the healthy balance between contact all the time and contact never at all.
Edited to add this little PS. In my case? The above advice worked. When I disappeared he missed all the texts and phone calls and we were able to work things out.
Post # 13
To add to what MsBrooklyn A posted, if you have to ask total strangers on a message board if he really loves you, I think you’ve got your answer.
Post # 14
The more I think about it, the more I think the OP may be asking the wrong question. What does it matter if he loves her or not? She clearly doesn’t feel loved & isn’t that what really matters?
Post # 15
Thank you everyone for all your advice!
@sassy411: you hit the nail on the head and i should not have titled this post how i did. i know that he loves me, i really and truly do. i just do not feel loved right now because of his actions and that’s the problem. I think my real question should not have been “does he really love me?” but rather, “is this normal for two people in love?” i.e. is it a bump in the road or am I completely wasting my time. No one should not feel loved by their SO but I think that there are times in every relationship where this is the case. I just don’t know what’s the norm for that if that makes sense.
@Encore: I have to say your post really hit home with me. You are right and your advice is exactly what I’m doing as of 2 days ago. I HATE having to play games but sometimes it’s just what needs to be done. It is very heartening to hear that it was just a bump in the road for you and that maybe I’m not wasting my time. This guy and I have had issues in the past but we have both worked very hard at overcoming them to build a strong relationship. So I am hoping that this is just an adjusting period because I really thought we were truly on the road to forever. And you are absolutely right that I’m being too clingy which is not my norm. It happens when I feel insecure and start to panic which is what has been happening now. But I have to keep that in check. Who wants to talk to someone that is mad or upset every time they talk? If you have any other advice about your situation and how it got resolved and things worked out, I would love to hear it!
Post # 16
@mc77: In response to your most recent post, no, I do not think it’s normal to ever not feel loved by your SO. Maybe that’s just me. Sure, you may feel underappreciated, but never un-loved. I really hope you find the answers you’re looking for and everything works out for the best!