(Closed) Does he really want to get married??

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Ashley, I do hope you get engaged soon if that is what you want.  I do feel that you haven’t been dating all that long to be worried yet.  I know numerous people that dated for over 5 years before they were engaged.  I think this is good in a lot of ways to really know each other and know that this is right and forever.  I got engaged after a little over 2 years of dating.  I tell my fiance all the time that I think we probably could have dated a year longer before we got engaged.  I just think in that 3 year period you can work through a lot of issues, goals and kinks.  Its good to experience life events together to know how you will get through them and know that you are on the same page as you grow together.  As for the families, its not really any of their business and I would tell them to stop asking.  They are probably very excited but don’t realize they are causing you stress.  Hope this helps!

Post # 4
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

It breaks my heart to hear that you think you need to wait on him hand and foot in order to prove you’re worthy of marrying.  Please, get some self-esteem and make *him* earn your partnership.

Post # 5
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think that you should take a step back and ask yourself if it’s the man that you want to marry, or the idea of being engaged and getting married.

I agree with Lina – there is no reason why you should be working so hard to convince a man to marry you.  I would spend more time working on accepting yourself for the wonderful person I’m sure you are, and finding someone who can’t wait to be married to you.  Trust me – I spent 3 years with a guy before he finally said he was ready to get married, but then he said "I guess if I am going to get married, you’d be the one I would choose."  How ridiculous was that?!  I left that guy and now am engaged to my fiance, who tells me every day how lucky he is that I said yes!

Two years isn’t really that long of a time, as pinklau325 mentioned.  I knew a couple who were together for 10 years before they got engaged!  I don’t claim to know you or your boyfriend, but be wary of pushing too hard for a ring – if he cares about you, he may just go shopping with you in hopes of keeping you with him until he is ACTUALLY ready to get married.

Last, I had a friend who got divorced recently because her boyfriend proposed and married her to keep her happy.  He never really wanted to marry her on his own accord.  They’re now divorced, and I know that she would have rather have waited for someone who actually wanted her than someone who just wanted to say what she wanted to hear.

If you want to be with him, give him space and give him time.  You don’t want to push things too far only to regret not giving it a chance to happen naturally.  Nothing is worse than wondering if your fiance only proposed because he felt pressured!  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with the first poster — it’s definitely a good thing to spend several years dating before taking the big step of getting engaged, so try not to feel pressured that you need "something to show for" your relationship right away. Your boyfriend may be 100% certain that he wants to marry you, but simply isn’t ready to take the actual step right now. If that’s the case, and as long as you’ve both been up-front about your desires and expectations, then there’s nothing wrong with waiting awhile longer until you’re BOTH completely ready. I know it can be frustrating to have family & friends ask you about it, but really, it isn’t any of their business — this is a decision for you and your boyfriend to make toegther, so try not to let others’ expectations get to you.

Also, have you considered the possibility that he is ready to propose, but is simply waiting for the perfect occasion? I know in my case, my fiance and I had talked about getting married, about my taste in rings, etc., but then months and months went by, and I started to wonder if he really was on the same page as me. It turned out, though, that he had been planning to propose for a full year, and was just waiting for the perfect occasion (in our case, our long-planned vacation to Italy) in order to make it as memorable an experience as possible for me. It was frustrating to have to wait and wonder what he was thinking, but in the end, it was totally worth it.

And finally, as the prev poster said, please don’t feel like you have to be "perfect for him" in order to get the proposal you’ve been waiting for. Marriage is a two-way street, and it’s something you both need to enter into honestly and openly. If you enjoy cooking for him, cleaning, etc. because you love him and like to take care of him — and if he takes care of you in other ways — then that’s great, but if you feel like you have to wait on him hand and foot in order to convince him to marry you, then I think that’s a whole separate issue that you two may need to address before you’re ready to enter into a successful marriage anyway.

Post # 7
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Ashley, There is nothing wrong with dating for a long time. My Fiance and I dated for 5 1/2 years before he proposed. I was also getting tired of listening to family and friends bug us about when we were getting married. It got even worse when complete strangers at our favortie place to eat asked him one night right in front of me, "what’s wrong with her?" It was embarrasing and made me feel terrible. My Fiance sounds just like your boyfriend did 3 years ago. He was self centered. If it didn’t benefit him somehow, he didn’t care to do it. He would get up at 2 am to go fishing, but couldn’t get out of bed at 9am to watch me run my first 5K. He even told me when we first started dating he was never getting married or having kids. Then it seemed like overnight that all changed. He did a lot of growing up and so did I. He began adding me into his future and before I knew it, HE was the one talking about marriage and kids. It took us 5 years to get to that point. Some people take longer than others. We just when through our Pre-Marriage classes at our church and they stressed the following: Not everyone is made for marriage. Some people are just not wired for it OR they think they are until it happens. Right now the divorce % is 51%. That’s terrible. Make sure you want to have a marraige and not a wedding. I’ve seen a lot of people get wrapped up in the Hollywood gossip with all the weddings. A marriage is a LIFE LONG promise. If he is acting like he is now, what is going to happen when you are married? In 5 years? In 10?  Remember THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! If he’s not ready, then he’s not ready. I always told people before we got engaged that he would do it when HE was ready. And if that takes too long, then I may need to move on. I make me very sad to see what he has done to you mentally. He is making you question your worth and that is the worst thing possible. The person that marries you should not want you to be perfect. That person should want you with all your faults on a bad hair day with horrible PMS. I think you need to not think about him and think about yourself. If you cannot be happy, how can you make someone else happy. I wish I could just give you a huge hug and tell you it will all work out in the end, with or without him. Be strong and take a lesson from him…. THINK ABOUT YOURSELF…. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!!

 

Post # 7
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ashley,

I understand where you are coming from.  I was dating my fiance for 3 years.  Around the 2 year mark, I started to really want to get married and he assured me that we would.  He was very adamant about it being a surprise and me not having any say in when or the way that he was going to do it.  I felt frustrated and a little sad and found ways to always make a comment in front of our friends about how I wanted to get engaged.  But still, it didn’t happen. 

Then I came to a decision that I really did not want to push him to do anything he wasn’t ready or wanting to do.  I can only imagine that its a strange feeling that when your man finally proposes, you have a suspiscion that he only did it to appease you. 

When I stopped making comments about it all, that is when he did it. 

I don’t know your situation but perhaps taking a step back and not pressuring him so much might be a good way to go.  He might be thinking about it in his own mind and wanting to be special.   Just make sure it really is what YOU want as well.

good luck!

Post # 8
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I completely agree with the previous posters. You should never have to convince the guy to marry you. I understand that you want to be the best partner for him that you can be, but what does he do to be the best partner he can be for you?

and further, there is nothing wrong with you! The decision to marry is a strange balance of emotions, practicality and situation. If your situation isn’t working for you – something is out of balance. You just have to figure out what it is and I guarantee you it has nothing to do with whether you do his laundry or pack his lunch.

Please take care of yourself first before you take care of him!

Post # 9
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

I have to disagree with some of the previous posters. Each relationship has its own dynamic, but 2.5 years is nothing to sneeze at. If you are young (eaerly 20s) no big deal but otherwise I would think twice. I spent 4 years with someone before we broke up, and my conclusion was that I would NEVER do that again. Then I met my fiance and within 10 months we were engaged. When both people are sure, it is just SO GREAT and although every relationship entails work, it is not yucky work, it is work you want to do.

Think about how you would feel if he finally did propose, but you had to cajole him into it. I think that would take away some of the magic!

If he is not ready, I would strongly consider stepping back from that exclusive relationship. You may as well be meeting other people while he figures stuff out for himself!

Blessings

Post # 10
Member
12 posts
Newbee

this may not be relevant, but wanted to share my thoughts anyways. my fiance and i have been together for almost 9 years and living together for one and a half.  we were married in our hearts very long ago and though we are actually physically getting married and having a wedding now, it’s really just a peice of paper for us.  from the sounds of things you and your boyfriend are living together already as well, so what is really going to change after the wedding so much that you feel you need to get married now?  if it’s only because friends and family are pressuring you then i think you need to block them out and just enjoy being together.

Post # 11
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

WeddingKitty poses a valid point – each relationship is different, and each person within that relationship is different.  My fiance and I were together for five years before he proposed, and to be completely honest, his proposal came as a complete surprise to me.  We lived together for four of those five years, and in my opinion, it was very important for us (personally) to do that – as he told me the night he proposed (earlier in the night – while I was fixing my hair & putting on makeup to go to dinner), he’d "seen me at my worst" during our time together.  That made it that much sweeter when he asked me to marry him.  

I agree with ChrissyM – he may want the proposal to be a "surprise" to some point – guys have egos too, and he may be waiting because he wants it to seem like "his idea" (ever notice how much more receptive people are to an idea when you make it seem like it was theirs in the first place?)

Like many of the previous posters, it makes me sad that you’re working so hard to try to make yourself "worthy" of his proposal.  Trying to be "perfect" for a man is hard work and it will exhaust you (if it hasn’t already).  Obviously he likes the way you were before your quest for perfection (or he wouldn’t have been with you), so  please, please be yourself!  If you do those things (like making lunch & dinner and doing laundry) because you want to do them for him, by all means continue to do so. . . there’s nothing wrong with that in my opinion – I may be a little biased since I tend to do them for my Fiance – but don’t do them for the wrong reasons.  In the end, you’ll end up resenting it – and him.

In conclusion, I wish you luck, and genuinely hope you do get engaged soon – and to the man who’s the right fit for you.   

Post # 12
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Forwarning – this is going to be a little long…

There’s been a lot of good advice posted here, but I suggest you pick up the book "Why men marry bitches".  I’m not at all suggesting you’re a bitch in any way – in fact, you sound wonderfully sweet!  🙂  However, title aside, it’s about leading a life that is about YOU!!!  You should do what you need to do to make yourself happy – NO ONE ELSE CAN DO THAT FOR YOU!  Think about what that means long and hard. 

I was single and 29 years old when I read it.  I hadn’t had a real relationship since I was 18 and I kept dating these guys that wouldn’t commit.  I killed myself to do everything to prove I was worthy and in turn, I was miserable.  I resented that they didn’t recognize what they had in me, but the truth was I was a miserable and desperate girl. 

Before I turned 30, I vowed to myself that I was going to make myself happy and do all the things I wanted to do.  I realized that I couldn’t control meeting or marrying the right man but I could control my own happiness.  For me, that meant embarking on some crazy adventures across the globe – taking risks I’d never imagined personally and professionally.  Ultimately, I was having a blast.  I met my fiance not long after.  He loved me because I loved my life.  I made him want to be a part of it and earn it.  Not in a mean way, but in the way that I wasn’t willing to compromise to be with him. 

He tried to pull some non-committal stuff about three months in and I walked.  I was frank with him that I had no interest in casual dating and it wasn’t for me.  I didn’t give him an ultimatum, I did what I had to do FOR ME.  I sincerely wished him the best and left.  Yes, it sucked (and many tears were shed), but I was true to myself and happy about my decision because it wasn’t manipulative.  It only took two days for him to start calling incessantly.  I stood my ground and told him to take his time to really think it through.  After a week, he asked me to meet him for dinner which I did and it was then that he told me there was no way he could live without me.  We moved in together a month later and six months after got engaged.  I have continued to lead my own life and continue to focus on my own happiness.  Yes, I do a lot for him, but he does a lot for me too. 

Now, let me repeat – ultimatums are manipulative and don’t work.  You can’t leave with the intention of getting him to marry you, but if you’re really not happy, then you need to leave and find your happiness.  It can’t matter that he may or may not come after you because it’s not about him – it’s about you.

Seriously, read the book.  It will explain this better than I can.  I wish you all the best and I’m sending a big hug your way! 

Post # 13
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I’m so sad that you’re in such turmoil.  I definitely think 2.5 years is long enough to know if you want to marry someone — and if you are ready, then you should either get married or move on.  While there are some success stories (like the girls on here who actually did get engaged after years and years of dating) there are just as many stories of girls who dated forever hoping that they would get engaged, and not wanting to pressure the guys, and eventually were left single and older, with less abundant marriage prospects.  (I have a cousin and a good friend who each dated guys for over 5 years and were ultimately dumped, waiting to get engaged.)  I hate to sound so harsh, but it’s what I’ve seen. 

That said, you cannot change his mind by waiting on him hand and foot, trying to be perfect.  He obviously knows who you are, and making his lunch isn’t going to make him reevaluate marriage.  I would have an open, not angry discussion with him expressing your needs, expressing the timeline that you envision, and hearing him out on his needs and his envisioned timeline.  They key is finding a time that is acceptable to you both.  Hopefully this will help you understand if he really wants to get married, and when.

 

Post # 14
Bee
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

is there something wrong with me? i have tried to be perfect for him, makeing his dinner, getting his lunch ready for work, cleaning doing his laundry….like everything he wants me to do or expects me to do…im soo sick of having his family and friends and my family and friends ask us when were getting married!!! i told him like 8 months ago that if it doesnt happen soon then i doubt it is going to happen at all? and im really close to just leaving him because im sick of wasteing my time with a dead beat who only seems to care about him self….

Woah woah WOAH, there is something seriously wrong here. 

And not with him not proposing after 2.5 years. It really varies from person to person how long a relationship will take to move from one phase to the next. There’s nothing wrong with getting engaged after a year or after TEN years. You do it when the time is right, when you are ready, and when you have found someone to spend your life with.

Are you sure you want to spend your life with this guy? You just called him a "dead beat who only seems to care about himself." Are you sure you want your relationship to be the kind where you feel the need to be "perfect" by serving someone? Be yourself! Be true! You only have one life and you deserve to be with someone where you do NOT have to "be perfect" for them. 

Your post, to me, NOT concerning because he hasn’t proposed after 2.5 years (my husband and I were together for 6.5 before he proposed and 8.5 before we married!) but because of all the subtext you expressed. This may be the right relationship for you and I may just be reading my own values into your post, but somethings you said are seriously distressing… I think you and your boyfriend need to have a talk.

Post # 15
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I think an engagement happens when it’s ready to happen.  You may be ready, but he’s not.  If he’s not, he’s not.  You need to accept that.  Either you love him as a boyfriend or you don’t.  Either you love him without a ring on your finger or you don’t.  You called him a deadbeat in your posting.  If that’s how you truly feel about him, why would you want to be with him in the first place?  Don’t get engaged just for the idea of being engaged.  This is (supposed to be) a lifelong commitment.  How he’s acting now (a deadbeat who only seems to care about himself) is how he’s going to act tomorrow, and the next day, next month, next year.

Good luck!

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