(Closed) Does he really want to get married??

posted 13 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think what all of these lovely ladies are telling you is 100% correct… your #1 priority needs to be making yourself happy!

Roseskier1 made a great piont. My experience was similair but I found how to make myself happy while still maintaining our relationship.

My Fiance and I dated for a long time and a few years after we moved in together I was in the exact same spot as you. Really… I think I said the excact same things. But then it hit me that this wasn’t who i wanted to be, that i needed to be happy first. I decided that I was never going to change him, I could only change me. I started doing things without him, making new friends, taking classes… what ever it took, after a while it worked!

I also resolved that if I couldn’t be happy with him then I would have to figure out how to be happy without him. And lucky for him i figured out how to be happy with him. about a year later he asked me to marry him. I really have to say that I’m glad we had the extra time because it made us a much stronger couple (because i am alot stronger of a person now)!

I hope all of our advice helps you out because ultimately your the one who has to figure out what works for you.

Post # 17
Member
26 posts
Newbee

I didn’t read everything everyone wrote so I might be repeating, but do what you have to do to make yourself happy.  This is my own opinion but stop doing his chores.  Yes, it’s nice but you’re not his maid or his mother.  If you told him that you’re going to leave if he doesn’t propose after X months, then be strong and stand by it.  There are plenty of better men out there!

Post # 18
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

I feel for you. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years and we have both always known that we were going to stay together, however it took him 8.5 years to propose. I also had family and friends CONSTANTLY asking when we were getting married. It got to the point where I thought I would burst into tears if someone else asked. I started to resent the relationship, and had a lot of the same feelings that you had. The only thing I can suggest is that you have a serious discussion with him and tell him how you are feeling. You are only going to continue to resent the relationship if you don’t find out where you stand. I spoke to my boyfriend, now Fiance, and told him how I felt. He had not realised that it upset me so much. We are now engaged and he is really excited about it.

Good luck. 

Post # 20
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It’s a tough situation that you’re in hun, and I hope that it’s resolved soon.  It sounds like it’s taking a toll on your self esteem, and making you really unhappy.  It took me a long time to find the person that I will marry, and I dated someone in my early 20’s for 4 years.  I thought that he was what I really wanted, but after we broke up, I realized that I had stayed becuase it was comfortable, not because we enriched eachothers lives or made eachother better people.  My advice is that you don’t sell yourself short, and make sure that this is the person you want to be married to for the rest of your life…

I had actually gotten to the point where I thought that I might never find someone- I kept going on dates with all of these weirdos, that usually ended with me darting from the car at the end of the night before they could shove their tongue down my throat!! Then, when I stopped looking, BAM! That’s when I found him!  So if it seems like things aren’t going to work out, don’t be afraid to move on- it  just means that your future husband is out there still looking for you!!!  While I agree that 2.5 years isn’t too long to be dating, I can tell you from experience that if you feel that nagging feeling like things might not work out, a lot of times your intuition is right!

Post # 21
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think everyone has their own relationship clock, and sometimes one person’s alarm goes off before the others.  I don’t know what to say for how to handle that.  This happened to me, but the other way around.  My Fiance was ready to get married over a year ago, but he knew I wasn’t.  He subtly made this clear along with the fact that he was willing to wait but not forever.  It sounds like maybe you’re done with the waiting, and that’s okay.  You need to ask yourself what you want and whether he can be a part of that if it includes waiting for some undertermined amount of time. 

In the meantime, though, you gotta stop acting like he’s some sort of reward to work toward.  As many have said, marriage isn’t about cooking and cleaning and doing laundry.  Maybe you are only portraying what you do, but I don’t really think it’s about doing what the other person "expects" from you.  We’ve lived together for a few years, and we’ve divided up housework so in a way that’s an expectation.  But we revisit this stuff constantly.  The marriage part has to do with what you bring into each others lives.  Do you make each other happy, not do you make each other breakfast.  The breakfast might be part of the happiness, but that’s not the same thing. 

I can’t gauge from a post whether his unwillingness to talk is a sign of his lack of commitment, or whether it reflects a reaction to the urgency with which you bring it up.  But to me the bottom line is that you don’t sound happy, and marriage or not that’s something you need to address in your relationship.  It might help to start a conversation that doesn’t begin with, "where’s my ring", but instead actually addresses how you’re feeling.  Which sounds like a feeling that maybe you and your happiness are not a priority in his life.  it would help to identify what it is that is actually causing you stress before you have this conversation.  Is it a need for some security?  Is it just to hear him include you in his future plans?  Is it to hear him express interest in what you want for yourself out of life?  This way you can move past an argument about the proposal and get at what will really make you happy.  And if you’ve thought about it beforehand, hopefully you can be a bit more concrete.  No matter what, though, it also sounds like something is going on for him.  Is he nervous about a wedding?  Does he want to save up some money first?   I think you’ll find him more receptive if you show concern for his needs and feelings in the same conversation.

I don’t know if that’s helpful, but good luck!  You sound like a generous person and I hope you both are able to find happiness.

Post # 22
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Ashley,

 I feel for you!  I know that it’s very hard, but it might be best to lay off for a little while.  Even if he did pop the question, it’d still be a while until you got married, so just enjoy this time in your life right now.  I do think it’s important to make sure that he’s on the same long-term page as you, but giving him a little break before you bring it up might help.

 Good luck!

Post # 23
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

hey Ashley…cheer up, everyone’s situation is not the same so the advice I give you may not apply, but here it goes: I understand where you are coming from.  My Fiance and I have known each other for 9 years…been dating for 6 before he proposed.  I wanted him to ask me around year 2…people started asking me around year 4 and I couldn’t take it.  But guess what? NO one ever asked him when he was going to do it…so he didn’t feel the pressure that I felt…girlfriends would always talk about how I was next to get married…but I doubt his guy friends talked about that stuff…so it was constantly being implanted in my head that we were surely going to get married…soon.  People even asked me on a group trip that we took together out of the country if he was going to propose then, so I got really psyched up for it and when it didn’t happen, the embarrasment of it not happening was almost too much…I flipped out on him for no reason because I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that it was because he hadn’t proposed yet.  I say that to say if he talks about getting married, if he went ring shopping with you…he wants to get married, just on his own time.  Because my fiance surely took his dear time in asking me.  sometimes it takes guys much longer to be ready than us girls…so calm down, I know you don’t think he’s a deadbeat or self centered, otherwise you wouldn’t be with him…believe me I called my fiance plenty of names when I was frustrated…so take some time, find a hobby or activity you like, and get interested in that…you can still do all your cooking and cleaning and taking care of his needs, because that’s important too…just don’t make that the only thing you do otherwise you’ll start to resent him for it. 

Post # 24
Bee
5113 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

Ashley,

 I went through a similar phase with my now-fiance.  I thought he was taking too long to propose, but we just each had our own internal sense of timing and his happened to be a bit slower than mine.  My fiance wanted the proposal to be a surprise, so he would act weird every time I brought it up.  Maybe that’s why your boyfriend doesn’t want to talk about it?  Me and my boyfriend got engaged after dating for over 3 and 1/2 years.  At the time, I just wished he would hurry up and do it, but now I wish I hadn’t been so impatient.  

 I guess the question for you to ask is is the proposal and getting married the only thing bugging you about your relationship?  If so, then just give him a little more time and I’m sure it will all work out.  If you have other, deeper issues, like him not taking your considerations into account enough, then maybe you guys have some talking to do.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Post # 25
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

I agree with the majority of the posts on here. I just wanted to point out one little detail.  Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?  Sounds to me like you do everything and anything that he wants and he knows that you will.  Maybe he thinks there’s no need to propose to you right now because he thinks that you’ll always be there and do what he wants.  Maybe he needs a swift kick in the butt and a reality check to realize what he has. I say spend more time on yourself and your needs.  When he sees you becoming more independent and things other than him can make you happy he might wake up. I could be completely wrong since I don’t know either of you but this is what popped into my head after I read your post.

Post # 26
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I agree with Cherrypie on this one.

is there something wrong with me? i have tried to be perfect for him, makeing his dinner, getting his lunch ready for work, cleaning doing his laundry….like everything he wants me to do or expects me to do…

This is not healthy, you need to take a step back and evaluate why you are doing all of these things.  I was this way with my fh too, and it wasn’t until I started doing things for myself and what made me happy that he finally proposed.  I didn’t stop doing all of that stuff, I just did it on different terms. For example, before I would make his lunch every day before work, but now I only make it if I’m also making lunch for myself.  If I’m going out that day, or we are having a pot-luck at work, I don’t make lunch for either of us.  If I’ve had a long day at work, I don’t come home and slave over the stove, instead I call him on my way home and let him know I’ tired and then we either go out or one of us picks something up.

Now that we are married, I still remember why I do these things and I take time to think about myself first, that way I am not constantly sacrificing myself to make him happy.  He will appriciate you more if you stop doing everything for him!

Post # 27
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2015

While willworkforpeonies has a valid point in that its “just a piece of paper”, if its “just a piece of paper” then why is he so scared to get married to me. I have been seeing my guy for 2 years now. Living together for 1 year. Our situation is quite different in that i am 23 and he is 35. We are great together. I am mature for my age and he is immature for his ha ha. But in a cute way. We love each other very much and we have had somewhat of a discussion about married, he likes to “put on his dancing shoes” and dance around the subject and never really give me an answer as to whether or not we will be getting married soon or at least engaged. See I am pretty strong in my faith and only more so since I have been with him. I moved in origionally to take care of him after a big life threatening surgery and just never left. Now I have grown in my faith and am feeling more and more guilty for living with him and not being married. My theory is I dont want to have a newborn with him when he is 40! I want him to be able to play with his baby and not be exhausted. So getting married and having kids should happen quickly, right??! I’m great with that, I cant wait for it. So I dont understand why he doesnt want it. What I’m saying is, if its just a piece of paper to him, then he should do it for YOU.. for your piece of mind, if its not a big deal to him then he should do it if it will make you happy. If he genuinelly is not ready for marriage, then we are both in the wrong place with the wrong person or the right person but at the wrong time… get what im dishin out?

He should want to marry you! No questions asked and not “convicing” required. Love is love and he should be doing everything to make you  happy.

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