Post # 1
My boyfriend (fiance…) and I had been dating for 4 months, and were both living overseas at the time, we were both in the process of potentially moving back to the US, he to CT and i to OR, when he asked me to marry him. I agreed, no ring, but agreed, and we moved to Connecticut together. In hindsight, I think he just wanted me to come with him. He has commitment "issues": he is nearly 40 and has never been married before, and I am 26. We went through a "rough patch" after we were "engaged", and in this period he retracted his proposal. We ultimately decided (I thought) to try and work things out…but since then it has been difficult and he has expressed doubt…
Since then, he has told his friends he doesn’t think he will ever get married…(one of his friends told me…) but, obviously I like him, and want to give him a chance…But basically, I would just like to know, if a guy is teling you that he loves you, and is telling his friends at the same time that he doesn’t think he will ever get married, and never mentions you in emails, etc. (I’ve read some of them, he never mentions that he has a girlfriend), he doesn’t really want you, right? I guess I’m answering my own question, but is it just his "commitment issues", or is it me? Within this period, he also liked another girl (he told me after I found a package from her), but said it was just because I broke up with him (because I was upset he hasn’t met my family after a year and a few months…). I’m not sure if he was "with" her, but I’m guessing: probably. I guess I’m really looking for affirmation to the fact that I am not "the one" for him…shouldn’t you be with someone who absolutely knows he wants to be with you? Without question?
Post # 3
It sounds like you know what you need and you’re not getting it from your boyfriend/fiance.
Earlier today, I was having a conversation with a friend who’s going through the same thing. It’s a really tough situation, but I don’t think you should have to convince someone to give you the love and support you need.
Every relationship has its rough patches, but at its foundation there needs to be mutual trust, admiration, appreciation, and love.
I’m sorry you’re going through this! Hugs.
Post # 4
I agree with HannahT- don’t settle for a guy who jerks you around and won’t commit. If you think he’s been unfaithful (physically or emotionally), he can’t be trusted and you should move on! Good Luck!
Post # 5
elf503, it sounds like you are wanting a marriage, and I hate to say it, but he sounds like he has more than commitment issues, he sounds incredibly selfish…he knows you want the serious stuff, and he just used engagement to get you to live near him…I wish you the best of luck in finding "the one" should you decide to move on.
Post # 6
Based on what you say here (seeing as how I don’t actually know you or your "fiance") – GET OUT!
This hits a personal nerve for me. I spent five years with someone who was selfish and not a partner in our relationship. It sounds very similar to what you describe. I even stayed with him for over a year after he recinded a proposal thinking that it would get better. It didn’t. I had a really rough breakup (I’m ashamed to say that he was the one who ended it), but then quickly realized that I was so much better free of the relationship. I suddenly felt like myself again. I now am married to a faboulous man (who, coincidentally has a very similar story), and I can tell you that it’s a *dramatically* different relationship. I would have comletely missed out on happiness and pure love if I had stayed with my previous boyfriend.
Post # 7
Thank you for your responses…I do appreciate feeling like I’m not entirely crazy given the circumstances. I’ve done my best to give an honest representation, but of course, there are two sides to every story…However, following my own feelings, and thoughts from above, i do think I have to move on, the question alwasy is, when. It’s sad, whenever people break things off I guess, but I suppose everyone moves on, right?
Post # 8
I’d say get out of it. I think long term relationships should be encouraging and have a definite future – not someone dangling a maybe-promise over your head all the time. (I think I’ve been reading too much "Trouble in Paradise" over at the nest… They do give good relationship advice, if a bit snarky.)
Post # 9
I would sit him down, not be too emotional, and say "Look, I love you. But it would seem we want 2 different things in life. We’ve had a good time together and I love you, but I need to be with somebody who shares the same life goals as I do."
I’d move out after that. Back home if I could. He needs to be alone to reevaluate what it is he wishes and why he’s not good with committment. And YOU need to decide what you want also.
What bothers me is his thing with the other girl. Were you two living together when he did that? That is something I would definitely say is a huuuge red flag. Just as big as the called off engagement.
I am so sorry this has happened. But it is much better than to have gone through getting married and years later and having a child to find out he isn’t "monogamous material". I found that out after being married and in a good relationship for seven years. I found out the hard way and wished I had known earlier. But I was blessed with a beautiful son however. Space will give you clarity.
He may come around. But he has to have time away and so do you. YOU also need to think. Evaluate things. He may realize that he was a dunderhead and that the chance of losing you forever is something he can’t risk. Or he might figure out that he isn’t marriage material. Or YOU might decide you wish to be with somebody more supportive and loving. Or it might work out. There are alot of variables here.
But imho, as it is right now, there needs to be time and space and he needs to see that you stand up for yourself and for what you will and will not allow. Time = clarity.
Hugs and best wishes.
Post # 10
YES. You deserve better than that.
You are 26 and have your whole life ahead of you!
Please please please! If you sense this is the man for you- do it when he is fully commited to the investment the marriage requires. But if you sense he isn’t- please be good to yourself.
Breakups suck. But you deserve to be without a fraction of a doubt, head over heels, solid-as-a-rock sure that this is right for you. if not, move on. Please move on if you feel it would be right for you.
I promise you- if you decide to move on, it will be well worth it. You will find someone who will treat you right, who will honor you and share you to his friends and family. And the next guy you meet will never make you look back on this guy- you will only look forward to your future.
You deserve not to have doubts and no regrets. Keep that in mind.
Post # 11
I’ve been reflecting on this too lately…
I am very happily engaged and soon to be married in a couple of weeks. I’m in the midst of writing our vows, and I can’t help but reflect on my past "loves" and what my fiance means to me.
I see myself in some of the things you say in your post. I found myself making excuses for the men in my life, thinking it was me, what I could do better, looking the other way and not facing the situation (although it seems like you are doing just that now, and good for you!)
When you know you want to marry someone, YOU KNOW, and when someone wants to marry you, THEY KNOW. It’s the one thing I’ve been absolutely sure of in my life. I used to think it was the biggest cliche on EARTH, but it couldn’t be more true.
When you know you’ve found the one, you won’t find yourself asking, "Is this the one?," because you’ll already know. It may not happen at first sight (it didn’t for me), but you’ll know when it does. I wish you the best and hope that you’lll stand up for yourself and love yourself first!!!
Post # 12
I agree with all the previous posters — you deserve to be with someone who loves you with absolute certainty. All relationships have rough patches, but there needs to be a solid foundation beneath it all, and it doesn’t sound like you have that in your current situation. I went through something similar with my ex-boyfriend, and although the breakup was difficult, once I had moved on I realized how much happier I was and how much of a toll it had been taking on me working on a relationship that was never going to work out. With my fiance, things were different from the beginning — it just felt easy right from the start, and there was no doubt in either of our minds that we wanted to spend our lives together. That’s the kind of relationship you deserve to have.
Post # 13
Please get out. you deserve better. You deserve someone who wants to build a life together – which means meeting your family, telling his friends about you, NOT staying in touch with another woman he dated during your break (who he should have told you about BEFORE you found the package). This is not the person YOU should marry – forget for a second what he even wants. YOU should not want this for yourself. It would be shame to waste any more time on this guy. Good luck!
Post # 14
Two things stuck out to me in your post:
1) you want confirmation that *you* aren’t the one for him. Don’t be so hard on yourself please. I think you need to look at this another way – HE is not the one for YOU. He sounds selfish and like he has a lot of issues. You are too young to be bogged down by this man. Let him go. It may hurt but you need to rise above it and realize that your life WILL be better off without him.
2) You said "obviously I like him and want to give him a chance". Like him? You should LOVE the man you’re going to marry. That itself should be an indication that you haven’t yet found *the one*.
I hope that everything works out for you. You deserve so much better.
Post # 15
Sadly, I know a few girls who have gone through similar situations. There were several times where me (and other close friends and family) would try to tell her that he wasn’t right for her, she needed to find someone better. For my friends, they had to figure it out on their own. It seems to me, based solely on what you’re saying, that you’ve already decided. You deserve to be loved in the way that you love someone. You deserve to be someone’s heart and soul. This "fiance" of yours is a selfish jerk and will probably remain unmarried for the rest of his life because other women will realize what you’re realizing. The foundations of a good relationship should be about trust, honestly, and loyalty. Honestly, I think you’ve given him enough of a chance by moving to CT to be with him. In the words of my Aunt, you need to find a man who loves you more than you love him. It might be a little old fashioned or self centered to think that way… but like the other posters have said – you deserve so much more!
Post # 16
I wouldn’t say that you "deserve better," but I honestly think that you deserve what you expect out of a stable relationship. Some people aren’t ready for married life and commitments and you shouldn’t have to feel like you must compromise for them. You might feel you really like him, you want things to work but without him holding up his part – it’s like a lost battle. I don’t think it’s because he’s a jerk or selfish, I just think maybe he thinks of marriage differently or something happened to him inthe past that he can’t get over. It’s nice to be able to sit thruogh and talk it out but sometimes, even that isn’t enough. The other person has to want to be helped or it won’t happen.
Similar to peachypear above. I was with someone for over 6 years and eventhough things were smooth at times, I felt like he was afraid of his commitment to me. Eventhough he would put me into his future plans, or talk abt marriage to others – it was because of his age and timing, not because it was me. I felt like such a dumbo for not realizing earlier that his vision was about what he saw himself doing in the future and not a vision of me. When my family would bring up us as a couple, after a couple of years…i notice him slowly shying away. Needless to say, we’ve both moved on. And it was one of the best decisions I made.
Best of luck to you!