- 11 years ago
- Wedding: November 2008
I think the question is not are you the one for him, it’s is he the one for you– and the answer, I’m sorry to tell you, is NO! I in no way want to be harsh with this, but I think anyone who’s gone through a similar situation will tell you the same thing… you deserve better. I don’t even know you and I can say that– bc no one deserves to be in a relationship where they doubt or think less of themselves, which is what you seem to be doing (and have done throughout the relationship). Walking away from this relationship- while it’s something that will be really difficult now… will bring you so much clarity after the fact and especially as you meet the one that really is "THE ONE". Ultimately, you’re gonna do what you wanna do- but I think the phrase "Run Away!!" is an understatment here. He’s already shown you the real him- I think you’d be deluding yourself to think it’s going to get any better from here. Good luck- I hope everything works out for you, no matter what you decide!!
Elf503, you deserve better!
Don’t waste your life being dragged around by a guy who isn’t sure about you. There are plenty others out there who are capable of reciprocating your emotions and desire to be in a commitment.
You are young, you have the whole world in front of you. You don’t need to linger around a guy who is taking his sweet time to make up his mind about commiting to you or not. There is happiness out there for you, but you won’t get it from this guy.
It’s good that you have the option of finding someone else who can treat you like you mean the world. Don’t go into a marriage with someone who is only half-committed to you, you will regret it. 🙁
It sounds to me like obviously he doesn’t really want to get married. He is saying this to everybody but you. It also sounds to me like even though he has commitment issues, he also doesn’t have much ability to stand on his own. That’s why he asked you to marry him – because it looked like otherwise he would lose the relationship you have. That’s why he ended up with someone else so quickly when you weren’t together. He doesn’t want a real, adult relationship – he just wants a security blanket.
A guy who really wants to be part of your life long term, and who really loves you, would be excited to meet your family, and to have you meet his. It would be obvious to his friends that he loves you and is excited to be with you. When things got rough, as they always do, he would be working with you to get through it – not taking back his proposal the way a kid takes back his bat and ball and goes home if he’s not winning.
I dated (for years) at least two guys that I didn’t really want to marry, I can tell you that both of them thought I had "commitment issues." I don’t think that’s the case – I just didn’t ever see myself spending the rest of my life with either one of them. But they were fun to be with, had enough money to take me on nice trips and buy me nice things, treated me really well, and were great in bed. In retrospect, I was probably sort of unfair to them – but I made it clear in both cases that I wasn’t really looking for a long term commitment. Possibly that was true – I was pretty wrapped up in my career – but the truth was that I knew at the time that neither one of them was somebody I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So I tend to think that’s what is going on here – he may marry the next woman he dates, but he doesn’t want to marry you. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it just means you’re not right for each other. Or he may have seriously commitment issues, but really it’s not your obligation to fix him. You will find a guy who really does want to be with you, but you’re not going to find him while you’re attached to a guy who doesn’t really want to be with you. My advice would be to break up with him and get your own life back, whether that means moving away or just moving out.
To quote Oprah:
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. This is especially helpful with men. Don’t force them to beat you over the head with the message.
I think you do "know who he is" and are going to make the right decision for you and for your life and future.
I heard a therapist say this once, and it is SO TRUE… breakups are NEVER as bad as people make them out to be before they happen. I thought the world would come to an end the last time I broke up with someone (after 4 years). It was rough, but not nearly as rough as I thought… and within months I met the man I am marrying. He talks about me all the time with his friends and co-workers, and I do the same about him. Like everyone else said… you deserve that kind of relationship!
Yeah, I would just get out of this relationship and move on. I was in a relationship before where I wasn’t sure if he was the right person for me. There were lots of committment issues and we never really were on the same page as far as what our relationship was. It was way too tiring because I was putting too much into the relationship and not getting nearly enough back, so I broke up w/ him. It was hard, but I comforted myself w/ the fact that if we really were meant for each other, we’d get back together when he was ready to commit. You know what you want, and you really shouldn’t doubt yourself because it doesn’t seem very healthy in this situation. You two just aren’t in the same place in your lives, and it’s ok to move apart because of that.
The topic ‘does he really want to…?’ is closed to new replies.