Post # 1
I don’t know who else to talk to. So my fiancé and I got engaged about a year ago. We have been together for 5 years. We live in different cities. We are both financially stable. We were making plans to get married the beginning of September. I told my parents about our plans and they were excited because we have been together for so long and I told him to tell his parents. He told them but they said he should wait because they thought he wasn’t ready. ( his parents are divorced) He is 30 and financially stable and out of school. So I asked him if he wanted to wait and he said no. He will talk to them and get them on board. He kept saying not to worry about it he has it under control.
As the months went by, I asked if he told his parents our plans and if they have taken off work to come to my city for the wedding. I was told yes multiple times. So i thought we were on the same page and agreed to sign a lease in July for our first apartment together and all furniture for the apartment is purchased and ready for move in. We were going to physically move in until September after the wedding.
Now all is booked and he is telling me that he doesn’t think September will work. I am just now finding out that because his parents told him to wait, he never spoke to them about it again and now that the date is getting closer, he is realizing that he ran out of time.
Im not sure how to approach this situation. I am very hurt because up until this point I thought everyone was on board and everything was fine. We have an apartment to pay for, I have told friends and family and Now less than a month away I’m finding out he wants to change the date because he didn’t try to convince his parents. I look bad in front of everyone and I don’t know what to do. I don’t even want to have a conversation with him because I don’t see the point.
Any advice will help.
Post # 2
Have you been long distance the entire relationship?
Post # 3
Yes we have been long distance the entire month. We see each other once every 2 months for a weekend
Post # 4
martha2018 : have you considered living together or at least in the same city for a while before jumping into marriage? I know 5 years is a long time to be together, but when you only see each other every couple months it’s hard to really get to know each other, especially in terms of seeing each other in a variety of moods, learning about each other’s habits, etc.
Maybe he is getting anxious about going from seeing each other once every couple months to suddenly being married and living together. That is a massive jump.
Post # 5
Your wedding is supposed to be this September and everything is booked? I’m so confused. He wants to postpone /call the wedding off?
Post # 6
Yes. It was suppose to be a small wedding. Everything is booked. We both took 2 weeks off work for our honeymoon and he wants to postpone.
Post # 7
You know what to do. You’re just asking the wrong question.
The question isn’t “does he still want to marry me?”
The question is “do I still want to marry a guy who is so weak-willed that he can’t decide on his own whether or not to marry me and essentially lied to me for months letting me a plan a wedding he knew he had no intention of going through with because he refuses to step out from under mommy and daddy’s thumb?”
So, you cancel the wedding. You can’t force him to marry you. Yes, you lose deposits, but it is still cheaper than divorce.
Then you answer the question above.
And if for some reason you are still attracted to and want to anchor yourself to this lying man-child, then you sit him down, have a good long talk about him growing the eff up and what has to happen for him to regain your trust and you to be willing to commit again, and then you don’t plan another thing until he follows through.
Post # 8
Do you really want to marry a man who cares so little about you that when mommy and daddy tell him “no” he decides to postpone your wedding?
Post # 9
He’s 30 and still is afraid to have an adult discussion with mum and dad? Do you want to marry a child who puts his parents before you?
Post # 10
This guy can’t function as an adult. DTMFA.
Post # 11
Noooooo no no no. Not only does he want to postpone the wedding because as a 30-year-old self-sufficient man he can’t bring himself to tell his parents that he is going to make his own decision on when he is ready to get married, he LIED to you FOR MONTHS and let you book a wedding that he had no intention on going through with, all while leasing an apartment and buying furniture for an apartment you were supposed to live in after the wedding he knew you weren’t going to have. Noooooooooo. No. No. No.
This would be a big red flag to me. Sorry, Bee.
P.S. He never had to try to “convince his parents.” He had to tell his parents, “I’m getting married on September XX. Will you be there or not?”
Post # 12
Wether he wants to get married or not is irrelevant. His behaviour is inexcusable and very immature. He does not deserve to marry you!
Post # 13
I get the feeling that he’s using his parents as an excuse. If he was whole-heartedly ready to marry you and didn’t have any doubts of his own, then he wouldn’t be trying to postpone the wedding.
It is a massive leap to go from only seeing each other 12 days a year, to getting married and living together, even if you’ve been together for 5 years. You need to have an honest discussion about why he’s willing to change all of the plans you’ve made, supposedly just because his parents advised him to wait.
You obviously know him better than a bunch of strangers on the internet. Is it usual of him to rely so much on his parents’ advice, or is this out of character for him?
Post # 14
Honestly at this point I would postpone the wedding and call off the engagement. He has been lying to you for months. He is too afraid at 30 YEARS OLD to stand up to his parents and tell him he is getting married. That’s just beyond ridiculous. He’s an immature coward, and he’s been stringing you along. It’s also coincidental that he JUST tells you this AFTER you sign the lease for the apartment. I get the feeling that he never intended to keep the wedding date in September, he just wanted to manipulate you into signing a lease before marriage, because he wanted to live together before getting married. He was too much of a man-child to have an adult conversation with you and tell you that he wanted to try living together before getting married, so instead he took it upon himself to manipulate and lie to you. Obviously I don’t know him or every detail of your situation, but from an outsider’s perspective, this is what it looks like to me.
I’m sorry but I really think you should seriously consider if you actually want to get married to this man. He has shown you his true colors, are you ready to accept them?
Post # 15
martha2018 : There’s a couple things wrong here.
1) This 30 year old “man” is supposedly letting his parents dictate his life and post pone a wedding that has already been paid for with a woman who he supposedly loves and wants to be with forever.
2) You’ve been together 5 years although you only see each other every couple of months for a weekend
I’m sorry bee, but I don’t think you guys are ready for marriage, and either his parents see that and he’s listening to them or that’s really his own feelings but he’s afraid to tell you and blaming it on them.
It’s pretty messed up that he’s strung you along like this and you’ve planned a wedding and signed a lease for an apartment together and now he wants to “post pone”.
ETA after reading anothers comment- is he saying he still plans to move in with you? Just not marry you?