Post # 1
When I was just a Girlfriend to my Fiance, his mother mostly ignored me. I tried to engage her conversation but she would either go silent or speak in dutch instead (yes, she is fluent in english). At the same time I didn’t feel like she hated me… I just felt like I was a HS GF– and I wasn’t… I started dating him when I was 23, he was 21.
Then two years into being engaged she comes out with a bunch of reasons why she hates me. Now she isn’t talking to us.
Does it get better once you are married?
Does it get better once you have kids and she is a grandmother?
Or do things only get worse?
Post # 3
Most times, yes.
Sorry, but marriage and kids don’t make it better. most times, it makes it worse. Best case scenario? It stays the same. If you’re REALLY REALLY lucky, it gets better, but I wouldn’t advise holding your breath unless she’s REALLY REALLY REAAAAALLLLY old school.
You and your FI/hubby need to discuss this together, then take it to her. 🙁 Sorry you gotta deal with this.
Post # 3
As far as I know it doesn’t change until she decides to stop acting so selfish.
I don’t have a very good relationship with my Mother-In-Law and she acts the same way as yours alot…. I’ve done all I know how and Darling Husband agrees… I just keep loving her regardless of how she acts and hopefully she’ll have a change of heart sooner as opposed to later.
Post # 4
my mother is the Mother-In-Law from hell and i would say no, shes judgemental, abusive and passive agressive and no, it doesnt get any better
for my family it started with my mom feeling slighted over my sisters husband behaviour at dinner one night and now its at the point that my mother hasnt spoken to her own daughter and grandsons for almost 10yrs
for me, i avoid speaking to my mom and my husband sees her once per year and he is her fav son in law (which amuses my hubby no end) – oh, she lives less than 10mins drive from all of us
Post # 5
Learn Dutch. Then at least you’ll know what she’s saying about you.
Post # 6
@Elvis: <– I agree. It should be shocking the day that you respond in Dutch! Not rudely just a “yea… I know what you’re doing” kinda thing
I would LOVE to have an opportunity like this with the Mother-In-Law…. if she did what your does. lol
Post # 7
My relationship with my in-laws got a lot better once we had a kid, but every situation is different. Why does she say she hates you?
Post # 8
I guess it depends on the woman? FMIL HATED me! When Fiance and I started dating, he was 22 and I was 25. He’s also the youngest of 4 boys and was a bit of a Mamas boy. Our first Thanksgiving together, Fiance and I did all of the cooking for his family, 2 other brothers didn’t help and the oldest showed up with his psycho ex just as we were almost finished. His mother sung that psycho’s praises even after she went into my bag and stole my bank card and cash out of my wallet. (FMIL isn’t all there but that really hurt!)
I’m not sure exactly what changed, but somewhere around the 3 year mark, I won her over. It could have been the way I treated Fiance, being supportive and still pushing him to get thru school. It could have been the time when he was away at school and I went by myself to visit her in the hospital. Maybe she just saw how much I loved her son.
Post # 10
@Elvis: & amnystik:There is no way I will ever learn Dutch. Many people have suggested this to me but she would just find another way to ignore me or be rude. Its about her having control. Learning a language is a big time commitment, I have already spent 4 years studying American Sign Language and I’m not fluent. I understand a lot of ASL but not everything. It doesn’t make any sense to learn Dutch when I have NO interest in it at all and it basically makes my stomach turn. Its been used as a weapon against me and I pretty much hate the sound of it… unless Fiance is speaking it, because he’s special 🙂 Also, all dutch people learn english in elementry school so there are no real translating opportunties for it. And you know, I live in America. She’s been in this country getting close to 30 years now. She was the one that moved not me. I didn’t fall in love with my Fiance because he was dutch… I fell in love with him because of who he is.
@Mrs.Spring: Reasons why she hates me sound crazy.. I don’t drink enough. I don’t “like other cultures” I don’t know what that means– Maybe that I don’t eat exotic foods. You know I don’t even remember all the reasons… there were a TON but they were all trivial and stupid. She complained to Fiance that I was manipulating him. The only thing I know for SURE is that she doesn’t want to get old, she doesn’t want grandkids, and she is used to being the center of attention in the family.
Post # 11
Thanks for the prospective ladies! It has given me something to think about. For some reaons I just thought having kids would make her want to get to know me or be involved in our life. But it sounds like thats not going to happen.
Post # 12
@JaneDomani: I have to say tha not learning the language is not the reasons above… if anything learn for your future children. You should encourage your husband to teach your kids (assuming you are having them) his language. It helps EVERYONE to know another language and to learn it young, even better.
If you know the basics, and I am not talking fluently, you can help your kids and not be left out when they do know the language. And he bonus is to show your Mother-In-Law that you love your husband that much to learn his cultures and mother’s native language.
Post # 13
I personally don’t think it’s gonna get better. Right now, I’ve decided to not give a shit. I try to treat people how I’d like to be treated by realize some people are just selfish bastards! My marriage is between me and my husband, screw the rest. I’m not going to let anyone ruin what we have, period. And I’m tired of trying. If someone doesn’t like you for imaginary reasons: 1) you can’t make them and 2) why would you choose to like them? <– My most recent lesson
What’s with these MILs that are used to all the attention and can’t help themselves but be ugly? They should make a reality TV show with them all and give prizes to the most judgmental, passive aggressive, and number one pretender!
OP, I don’t blame you for not learning dutch. I’ve stopped over in Amsterdam enough … it’s not the prettiest language!
Post # 14
Honestly, for me it’s gotten worse. I have just decided to cut her out of my life and stop worrying about why she does what she does to me. It’s border line abusive. I’m done and over it. Darling Husband can continue whatever relationship he would like to have with her. I never stand in his way, I only ask that he not force me into any situations that make me uncomfortable and he has agreed.
Post # 15
@Vitsippa I agree that you don’t have to like them, but they are your DH’s or FI’s mother so unless he agrees with you, he wants to have contact and a relationship with them. Therefore, it IS your job to be as pleasant as possible (within reason) to keep a managable relationship.
Of course that means you can bow out of parties, but you can’t refuse your SO to go.
And trying to convice someone how horrible their family is, if they dont agree, is not going to be good for your own relationship.