(Closed) Does it ever make sense to advise someone against marrying their fiance?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: OK to speak up if you think the bride or groom is making a mistake by marrying their fiance?
    Speak up : (28 votes)
    19 %
    Keep quiet : (10 votes)
    7 %
    Say something only if there is abuse : (111 votes)
    74 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1112 posts
    Bumble bee

    Carolsays:  My vote is to keep quiet unless there is obvious abuse. You don’t know the intimate details of another person’s relationship. These are two concenting adults who are making their own life choices. All you can do as a friend or family member is to support them with whatever they need in both positive and negative situations. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    6724 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    A person can say, during a relationship, that they have certain concerns.  They can’t say someone should call off said relationship or that it’s doomed to failure.  Also you have to know your audience if you want to stay friends with the person you speak to.

    Example: my best friend, many years ago – A man moved to her state to be with his girlfriend.  He flirted with best friend at work and she got a nice crush on him.  Let’s say at worst he was emotionally cheating with best friend.  He broke up with his girlfriend and started dating best friend.  I took her aside, said he was nice but I was concerned about how their relationship started.  I was worried that he would cheat on her in a similar manner because I believe once a cheater, always a cheater.  I told her I’d only mention it once and would always be pleasant/try to forge a friendliness with him, but if I didn’t let her know, I’d feel very guilty about it.  She took it well, continued to date him and we remained best friends.  They later got engaged, but I did keep my mouth shut as promised.  The engagement fell through in a manner very similar to how her relationship started.  No “I told you so” just helped her pick up the pieces.  She’s happily married now to someone who isn’t a scumbag.

    If I wasn’t very, very close to that person, I wouldn’t have said a word to her about it.  No need to fracture her potential support systems.

    Post # 4
    Member
    443 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Carolsays:  My vote is speak up, IF you have a very personal and close relationships with the bride/groom because I was engaged to a dirt bag and apparently everyone didn’t like him (my parents, my friends, etc) and the only person to speak up was my brother. He expressed his hate for him every time we spoke of him but I just assumed that he would never be happy with anyone I dated and brushed it off. Had my best friends or my mom told me outright that I shouldn’t marry him, I might have listened better and saved myself  A LOT of heartbreak having to cancel my wedding immediately before it happened after finding out he was heavily doing drugs behind my back.

    They might not listen but at least in the back of their mind they might start thinking about it and that might lead them to examine the situation more closely than they were before. I wish people had told me their real opinions earlier on.

    Post # 5
    Member
    362 posts
    Helper bee

    Carolsays:  

    Agreed with first PP… or if you DO say something, be VERY careful in how you say it.

    My sister married a guy where there were obvious signs that it wasn’t going to work out — they were both super young, he was the first guy who’d ever given her any sort of attention, he had behavioral issues and came from a wretched family, etc. — but my dad FLIPPED OUT when they got engaged and told her she COULDN’T marry this guy, so what happened? Not only did she and my dad not speak for a year, but she got very defensive of the relationship, circled the wagons, iced everybody out and went through with the wedding even though she had her doubts (as it later turned out).

    Because one person said the right thing the wrong way, no one could say anything to get through to her after that until it was too late.

    Post # 6
    Member
    11530 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    It’s okay to voice your experience and concerns, gently. (If the is abuse, that’s another story.) but chances are slim that a person in love is going to stop seeing through rose colored glasses. asking if it would hurt to wait or finding ways to encourage a delay might work, but as soon as the person senses what’s up he/she will probably cling even tighter to the partner.

    You can’t stop people from making mistakes. You can only put a speed bump in their way and give them time to think.

    Post # 7
    Member
    488 posts
    Helper bee

    In 1980, my childhood BFF was dating a guy that I hated. I thought he was a liar, a bum, obnoxious and a flirt. I told her she was making a mistake and our friendship ended because of our conversation.

    Here 35 years later, I hear through mutual friends that their marriage is very strong and she’s very happy with her life. He did a complete 180 after they married. He’s a loving husband, the proud father of 3 very successful children and has 4 grandchildren that he is ga-ga about. I couln’t be more wrong. I reached out to my friend a few times to apologize but the damage was done.

    I miss my friend – I wish I’d kept my mouth shut. She was old enough to make her own decisions and mistakes.

    Post # 8
    Member
    4820 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Carolsays:   Before my first marriage I was warned by many friends and family members and didn’t listen – I thought it would all work out, was afraid no one else would ever care for me, the whole thing.   The emotional abuse got worse after marriage and we ended up divorcing.

    Now I am married to a kind man and not a single person warned me.  

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    1311 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’ve learned it’s better not to say anything. It’s not your life or your problem if the marriage sucks. If someone chooses to marry someone ‘wrong’ for them, they’ll get to deal with the consequences.

    This happened with my sister. Engaged to the first guy who ever gave her attention even though he was toxic! Think cheating on her with 20+ different women, selling and doing hard drugs, getting her addicted to drugs, he was always in and out of jail, etc. My dad was LIVID and spoke his concerns. Well, he and my sister had a non-existent relationship for years before her fiancé left her for another woman.

    I feel like you can either accept someone’s shitty choices or not have a relationship with them. That’s how it usually goes. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    1344 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    My friends tried to express their concern before I married my ex.

    I wish someone had taken me aside and actually talked about the cost of divorce, etc. Its hard to get someone in love to understand and see what outsiders are seeing. 

    Post # 11
    Hostess
    3933 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    My policy (if I see emotional/physical abuse) is that I will reach out to them once and let them know that I’m concerned and that if they tell me I have nothing to worry about, I’ll never bring it up again, but that of course they can come to me if anything changes. I’ve felt the need to have this conversation twice, and both times they’ve gotten married anyway. One didn’t take it well, the other was very gracious about it and said she was grateful that I was concerned, but that I didn’t have to worry. He has done questionable things since then, but I don’t comment about it unless she asks for my opinion. I think more often than not, those conversations go really poorly, but I personally couldn’t forgive myself if I kept quiet when a friend of family member was secretly looking for someone to tell them it was ok to get out.

    Post # 12
    Member
    928 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I keep my mouth shut regarding other people’s personal and intimate relationships, and I expect them to extend me the same courtesy. Unless there is abuse, there’s no need to be condescending and express “concern.” I consider it extremely rude and disrespectful to tell someone you know how they should live their life better than they do. It’d have to be a pretty extreme situation before I’d insert my unsolicited and likely unwanted opinion into someone else’s relationship. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1576 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    All I can say is that if 7 years ago my DH’s two best friends didn’t sit him down and talk him out of marrying his crazy ex who he knew was cheating on him, I don’t know where we’d both be. That one night changed so many lives for the better – and a new one is growing in my tummy right now.

    It’s a tricky situation though. What made his “intervention” work was that those 4 people were all so close with each other back then and his friends knew all the details of what she was doing to him. Without those bonds, Darling Husband probably could have just dismissed and denied his way to the altar. Those sorts of conversations really have to come from the right people for it to work. I’d think that the majority of the time, it backfires.

    Post # 14
    Member
    5950 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Carolsays:  That’s a tough one. I always think you can’t tell someone who to love. They’re already in love and just won’t listen even if you try to tell them. “He beats me and kicks my dog, but other than that he’s amaaaaazing.” Of course, if they come on here and ask, I will give them my honest opinion.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1245 posts
    Bumble bee

    After my EX left some friends said: I knew it, but I didn’t think he’d be the one to leave. I never thought he’d make you happy.  I remember saying to one of them: if you weren’t brave enough to say it before, it doesn’t help anyone to say it after.

    I do wish someone close to me had really made me sit down and think it through. This time around, Fiance is the one I talk it through with, he knows my fears and concerns and we work together.

    If I saw someone who maybe needs to really think it through I’d try to be that ear to listen to but wouldn’t necessarily outright say: DO NOT DO THIS!

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